


Songs of Moonlight and Darkness

by wildwolfsongs



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, F/M, Inspired by Music, M/M, Marauders, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Musical References, Romantic Soulmates, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Soulmates, Tattoos, Werewolves, jily, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-27
Updated: 2021-03-01
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:07:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 66,356
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27218410
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wildwolfsongs/pseuds/wildwolfsongs
Summary: Set in the time of the infamous Marauders comes a story full of adventure, mischief, friendship, and love. When Remus Lupin finds himself accepted at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, he vows to keep himself and everyone safe by keeping himself isolated, but when a trio of boys find him hiding away on the Hogwarts Express, Remus finds that promise more difficult to keep than he imagined.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 36
Kudos: 63





	1. Awake My Soul

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome everyone to the new and improved 'Songs of Moonlight and Darkness'! For those of you who have been with me since the beginning of the disastrous first attempt at this story, welcome back and I just want to say I really appreciate you sticking with me. I hope this new story makes it worth the wait. If you're just joining us then hello! I'm Wildwolfsongs and this is actually my second attempt to write this story. The first did not pan out well, but the inspiration still held on so I tried once more. Just a few tidbits before you read on first, this is a soulmate story where the first time soulmates make eye contact with one another a tattoo pertaining to that person appears on their chest above their heart. There is also a very strong connection between the two any time they make eye contact from then on. Second, each chapter of this story will be based around a particular song that reminds me of the events occurring in the plot. Once the final chapter is posted, I will be leaving a link to a full playlist of the songs, but for now you'll have to wait to see what the future chapters hold. I chose to write this story like this because I find I have a strong connection to music in regards to memories and emotions which in turn boosts my inspiration to write. Thirdly, this story is only going to touch upon the first 3-4 years with about 1 chapter each before finally getting more in detail with years 5-7 so there will be quite a lot of time skips for the first few chapters. Sorry not sorry. Finally, I just want to say I hope you enjoy this story and feel free to leave any comments letting me know what you thought or if there's anything you're hoping to see in the future chapters! Enjoy my lovelies xx

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Song Inspiration: Awake My Soul by Mumford & Sons

_How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes, I struggle to find any truth in your lies._

Steam billowed through the stone lined corridor as each of the gleaming engines chugged to a halt along the tracks winding through Kings Cross Station. All around him muggles of every sort rushed about, hopping in and out of train cars lugging cases and duffle bags as they hurried to their destinations. Wide hazel eyes peered all around, drinking in the sight of the weathered stone beneath his feet and spears of sunlight filtering in through the glass panes dotting the ceiling.

At eleven years old, Remus Lupin was certainly not unfamiliar with the sights around him, having lived with one foot in each of the muggle and wizarding worlds for his whole life, but something about that day in particular made everything all the more wondrous and enchanting. Remus was not an ordinary boy, something he desperately wished were not true of himself, but today marked the first day he actually felt like one. When a dappled tawny owl delivered a thick, cream envelope upon his bedroom windowsill those few weeks ago, one with careful writing etched on the front in forest green ink reading

‘Mr. R. Lupin 

Second Floor Bedroom 

Lupin Cottage 

Caernarfon, Wales,’

his heart had nearly stopped in surprise and tentative hope.

With trembling fingers, he had torn the crimson seal pressed onto the letter and removed the contents, reading slowly and carefully, not wanting to miss a single word printed on the parchment. Remus could not believe his eyes, terrified that the paper in his hand would suddenly burst into flame and someone would run in laughing at his gullible nature. But the accompanying trick Remus held his breath for never came and the young boy suddenly found himself letting out elated giggles of relief and excitement.

Now, as he approached the towering stone pillar marking the halfway point for platforms nine and ten, Remus felt the rush of a hundred tiny butterflies whip through his belly as if he had munched on one too many fizzing whizzbees. Whether those flutters were nerves or excitement, or perhaps a mix of both, Remus was unsure, but he was determined not to allow anything to stand in the way of this miraculous gift he’d been given. Gulping down the sudden itchiness in his throat and slowly breathing in deep, the boy grasped his trunk firmly and took that fated step.

_And now my heart stumbles on things I don’t know. My weakness I feel I must finally show._

Beyond the hustle and bustle of Kings Cross Station, within a magical alcove guarded by spells and enchantments of all sorts, sat a gleaming ruby steam engine lined with a seemingly never-ending line of pristine train cars all eagerly awaiting their passengers to board. A gold-trimmed sign, resting neatly upon its metal perch informed passersby that they had indeed reached platform nine-and-three-quarters. The chaotic serenity of hundreds of children laughing and racing towards one another after a summer apart ensured that today was in fact September first at just before eleven in the morning.

Some children were already aboard the train, having stowed their trunks and books away for the time being in exchange for gossip and chatter with their schoolmates. Others remained on the platform wishing family well or perhaps keeping a close eye on the surroundings for any safety concern as those proud heads with gleaming prefect badges pinned to their collar were apt to do.

On second glance, one may notice a pair of young boys with their mothers and fathers receiving one last hug or ruffle of the hair before they set off for their first term at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. One boy, with shaggy black hair and lightly browned skin, might perhaps let out a bark of a laugh and swipe at the hand in his hair while the other, a more hunched and mousy boy with straight brown hair, hesitantly chuckled along, allowing his mother a final embrace before the two pushed through the crowd onto the train steps.

One may also have noticed another young boy, further down the platform, for this boy in particular certainly would be tough to ignore with his aristocratic demeanor and handsome features poised perfectly upon unmarked, porcelain skin. With this boy, however, there would be no loving hand ruffling his wavy black hair styled perfectly in a gentle quiff, no loving embrace to send him on his way, but rather a stern glance and a rough shove from between the shoulder blades was all to notice as this boy was sent towards the train.

However, despite glancing along the busy platform several times, one likely would not catch notice of the petite, scarred boy spilling out from the platform barrier, jaw slightly gaped in awe at the sight before him. With his silky golden brown curls and slightly crooked nose, perhaps he would be one to catch a glimmer of interest, but this boy did everything he could to keep himself hidden and away from prying eyes, quickly making his way onto the train and into an empty compartment, breathing a sigh of relief as the door clicked shut behind him.

Remus Lupin had officially made it onto the Hogwarts Express and finally allowed himself a moment to relish the pure elation he felt deep within at the notion of starting his first year of school.

_Lend me your hand and we’ll conquer them all, but lend me your heart and I’ll just let you fall._

_Lend me your eyes, I can change what you see, but your soul you must keep totally free._

As the final seconds of ten fifty-nine AM tick by, the clock sounds with eleven clangs ringing in time with each chug-chug of the grand steam engine pulling out of the platform, beginning the lengthy journey through the Scottish highlands. Towards the middle of the train compartments, a lone black haired boy stepped out from a compartment filled with boring, prissy purebloods – or so the boy believed anyway – in search of adventure and friendship, especially if those activities would upset his mother.

This particular boy was known as Sirius Black, heir to the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black, not that the title was of any particular importance to the boy in question. Sirius was not an ordinary Black, unbeknownst to the general public as of yet. He actively scorned many, if not all, the beliefs his family held and put exceptional effort into behaviors his family felt were ‘above them’ or ‘not of their sort.’ This included, of course, making friends with those his family deemed ‘the _wrong_ sort.’

Perhaps this is why, when Sirius Black wandered into a compartment several doors down to find one James Potter and Peter Pettigrew resting comfortably as two childhood friends often do, he felt compelled to enter and put his best foot forward in an attempt to befriend the two boys. The Potter and Pettigrew families were both well-known and pureblooded and while the Pettigrew’s in particular had not made much of an impression upon his family’s values, the Potter’s certainly had. A pureblood family who was unafraid to step forward and announce their support for muggleborns receiving magical education and dark creatures like werewolves adopting recognized rights were absolutely, most definitely out of bounds for Orion and Walburga’s heir to be fraternizing with.

A fact Sirius clearly was aware of as he reached a hand out to young James Potter and happily declared, “Hello, I'm Sirius Black. My family hates yours, but I certainly don’t. You seem like a fun lad, so let’s be friends!” James did not waste any time grinning in response and clasping the outstretched hand before him.

“Let’s!”

It was the start of what would come to be known as one of the most infamous friendships in Hogwarts history, the first connection made between the band of misfits known as the Marauders, but the story doesn’t end there. After establishing a fast and firm bond with James, and in turn Peter, Sirius worked to convince his new friends that they should continue exploring the train, feeling that their trio needed a fourth member to truly be complete. Though they didn’t quite understand what he meant, at least for the time being, the other boys shrugged and rose from their seats, happy to wander with their new friend and maybe get into mischief as boys so often enjoy doing.

In a slow, confident saunter, the trio made their way down the slowly bending hall of the moving train, passing door after door searching for something none of them knew how to find. As they neared the front compartments of the train, however, Sirius suddenly stopped, glancing at the compartment door standing by his left shoulder. Unsure of what made him stop so abruptly, Sirius peered closer, examining the scene beyond the slightly blurred glass and found a small boy sitting alone watching the fuzzy trees and grazing sheep pass by. Glancing quickly over the boy, Sirius could see the faint shimmer of silvery scars and patched spots marking the worn clothing the boy wore.

Feeling a slight pang in his chest, which the boy wrote off as pity for the sight in front of him, Sirius glanced at James and Peter before reaching out to open the door of the compartment.

_Awake my soul, awake my soul._

When Remus Lupin heard the telltale click of the compartment door being pushed open, he felt a reflexive jolt of fear rush through his body and whipped his head around to gaze at the person, or rather people he noted, entering behind him. His eyes flicked nervously across each of the boys’ faces and he felt himself freeze slightly as his eyes met the third boy’s.

 _Those aren’t eyes_ , Remus couldn’t help thinking to himself. He found himself gazing into endless pools of swirling fog, the gray shimmering and shifting into a stormy ocean tinge the longer he peered into their depths. Suddenly realizing he was staring unabashedly at this complete stranger, Remus shook himself out of the haze he found himself in and felt his jaw wiggle open and shut several times, not a peep escaping despite his efforts to introduce himself. James, being the ever friendly and welcoming individual he was raised to be, immediately stepped in.

“Hi there, my names James Potter! This is Peter Pettigrew, we’ve been friends since we were kids, and this is Sirius Black who is our newest friend. What’s your name?” As he spoke the final inquiry in Remus’ direction, he planted himself on the cushioned seat directly across from Remus, Peter following his lead and sitting beside him. Sirius remained the only one standing for a brief moment, before he too visibly shook himself and lounged lazily across the remaining seat to Remus’ right.

Remus gulped in a breath and plucked up the courage to break past his nerves and say, “My name’s Remus Lupin. It’s very nice to meet you three, but may I ask what you need from me? I wasn’t expecting company in my compartment…” James looked puzzled, glancing at Peter and Sirius before opening his mouth to speak again.

“We saw you through the window. Thought you might want some company, friends if you’d like?” But it wasn’t James who spoke. Remus flicked his head to the side as Sirius spoke his mind, unwilling to believe this confident trio would want to befriend someone like him. Besides, Remus wasn’t allowed friends, it was too dangerous… wasn’t it?

“Why would you want to be friends with someone like me? I’m nobody special.”

He felt a warm hand grip his shoulder in a fond squeeze and felt tears prick the corners of his eyes as Sirius looked at him and said, “You can be special to us, if you want.” Remus felt the heat of an aching longing for comfort and companionship deep in his gut, wanting nothing more than to chase away the loneliness that had settled within his bones. Could he truly allow himself such a luxury?

Swallowing past the lump forming in his throat, Remus made a choice, the first selfish choice he’d ever decided upon in his life. It was risky, it was dangerous, it was potentially life-threatening, but he wanted it more than anything. He’d fight to the bitter end to hide what he needed to in order to allow himself the beautiful reward of his first friendship. Taking a final deep breath and allowing a small but warm smile to settle on his face. “I’d really love that, to be your friend.”

Sirius felt a small stutter within his heart.

That evening, as the train approached Hogsmeade Station, the four boys rushed to change into their Hogwarts robes having spent the train ride lost in the imaginative antics of pre-teen boys. The engine slid to a gentle halt and, from outside the paned glass windows, the band of boys heard the muffled whistle announcing the official arrival of the Hogwarts Express.

Leaving their belongings as instructed, they clambered off the nearest set of steps and made their way towards the dot of light in the distance where a voice boomed out, “First years, this way!” As they approached, the faraway light bloomed into the glow of an oil lantern held in the hand of a large bearded man with a jolly grin and rosy cheeked demeanor. The boys felt a spark of calm settle over them as they gazed up towards the friendly face and allowed themselves to be guided into a nearby boat, one that perfectly fit the four of them comfortably before it began to float across the lake of its own accord, following the speckled pattern of the other boats in front of them.

They rounded the bend of the lake and were greeted by a magnificent sight: the grand stone stature of Hogwarts Castle stood before them in all its glory. Remus wasn’t sure about the other boys, but he certainly had never seen anything quite so beautiful in his life and felt another giddy jolt of excitement race down his spine.

Eventually, the small boats reached the lakeshore and one by one, the boys heaved themselves out onto dry land, racing up the path towards the towering oak doors marking the entrance to the castle. Hagrid, the large man guiding them along, hobbled his way up the path behind them, reaching up to knock rather harshly against the aged wood. Within a few seconds, the doors creaked open to reveal a lean, green-robed witch with gray-specked brown hair wound tightly into a bun.

“First years all here for you, Professor McGonagall.” The boys glanced up as piercing blue eyes swept over the bunched crowd of young students, sizing them up or perhaps just counting once more to ensure they all were accounted for, Remus wasn’t quite certain.

“Thank you, Rubeus, I shall see you in the Great Hall in a few moments.” Hagrid nodded at the stern-eyed professor before shuffling his way down the hall through another set of large oak doors. The witch, _Professor McGonagall_ Remus reminded himself, waved a hand to indicate the children should follow her and proceeded down the hall, stopping just before the doors that Hagrid had disappeared behind.

“Welcome to Hogwarts, young first years. We are about to enter the Great Hall, a large banquet room used for meals and special occasions such as tonight. When we enter, you shall all follow me and await your name to be called. As you come up, one by one, you will have the sorting hat placed upon your head and be sorted into your houses. There are four houses here at Hogwarts: Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff, and Slytherin. Any of the four will welcome you with open arms and you will be treated like family and be expected to do the same of your housemates. Now, let us begin.”

The professor led the group through the doors and once they had gathered at the front of the hall, she began to read names off one by one in alphabetical order. Soon enough, Remus heard, “Black, Sirius!” called and immediately caught on to the whispers racing through the hall. The whispers did nothing but increase in intensity and disbelief as the hat called out, “Gryffindor!” and a pale, but determined Sirius stood and made his way over to the table with banners of red and gold swaying lightly above it.

Before he knew it, Remus heard Professor McGonagall read out, “Lupin, Remus!” and felt his feet carry him forward of their own accord. As the dusty, wrinkled hat settled over his eyes, he heard a soft whisper of a voice echo through his mind. “Hmmm, an interesting one indeed. You’ve had a lot of life shoved into such a small amount of time young one, haven’t you. I could certainly see you doing well in Hufflepuff, they are the most friendly and welcoming generally speaking which would be nice, but… no you need something to help you grow. Perhaps, Ravenclaw? You’ve got quite the mind hiding in this head of yours… No, I know just where you will fit the best and be the most challenged in the ways you deserve rather than those that have been forced upon you. Gryffindor!”

Remus let out a breath of relief, glad that the whole test or whatever that had been was over and immediately took the open seat beside Sirius who gave him a weak, but warm smile. Remus worried about his friend, but didn’t question it any further as more names were called and, to both boys’ delight, James and Peter both were sorted into Gryffindor as well. It was looking to be the start of a beautiful little family at Hogwarts.

That night, with full bellies and warm hearts, the four boys raced up the stairs of Gryffindor tower and bumbled through the doorway of their first year dorms. The excited babble of four pre-teen boys overwhelmed the room as they excitedly started putting their belongings away and claiming which bed was whose (Peter was closest to the door followed by James, Sirius, and finally Remus on the farthest end) before the full exhaustion of the day hit and the boys decided it was time to change for bed. This is the moment the boys first heard James’, rather girly, squeal of excitement, one they would come to learn occurred quite often surprisingly enough.

“Boys! I’ve met my soulmate!” James whipped around from where he’d been facing his bed, showing off the intricate tattooed flower etched over his chest, just above his heart where everyone’s soul marks appeared.

“James, that means you made the first eye contact with them! How exciting!”

Peter truly looked as though he were on the verge of wetting himself from said excitement, but that fact was ignored by the others as Sirius asked, “Well, any idea who it was?” James seemed to think for a moment before he squeaked and a fierce blush blossomed over his cheeks. “I’ll take that as a yes,” Sirius chuckled in a hushed voice. “Well go on then, tell us who.”

James gulped with what seemed like nerves, but his eyes glowed with happiness. “The flower’s a lily! The red-head I met on the train, you remember Pete the one with the gorgeous green eyes? Her name was Lily; it has to be her! Oh be still my heart, I may faint!” James dramatically flopped back on his bed as the other three boys rolled their eyes at the boy’s strange antics. However, lost in the shuffle of excitement for James who so boldly declared his soul mark had appeared, two of the other boys in the room hid their silent elation at the sudden appearance of their own soul marks, resting in the usual spot, hidden from view.

That night in bed, Remus glanced down once more at his own chest and studied the intricate lines and details of the delicate star that had woven itself into the very fabric of his skin unaware that in the next bed over, Sirius was also gazing longingly at the beautiful moon printed on his skin.

_In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die. Where you invest your love, you invest your life._


	2. Human

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Song Inspiration: Human by Christina Perri

_I can hold my breath, I can bite my tongue,_

_I can stay awake for days, if that’s what you want_

A student’s first year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry is often a whirlwind of new sights, learning, and friendship. It isn’t uncommon for a first year student to suddenly find themselves at the end of the school year realizing just how fast time can fly as they hurriedly wish their friends summers full of fun and adventure.

For the four, newly dubbed, Marauders, that very sensation was something that hit them all in a fierce rush, a jerking slap to the face, as they found themselves approaching Kings Cross Station and saying goodbye for the longest they’d gone without each other in nearly a year. Remus Lupin, Peter Pettigrew, Sirius Black, and James Potter had become blood brothers over the past months letting nothing stand in their way as they conquered each new height set before them. The now twelve year old boys (except Peter who would not become this ‘manly’ age – at least according to Sirius who was the oldest – until September), determined to not show their swallowed tears, said goodbye with promises of letters and perhaps even a visit to Potter Manor flying from their lips as they were escorted off the train and platform.

As it happened, Remus Lupin did indeed receive a hastily written letter (one with many scribbled out words and wonky lines betraying the boy’s excitement) from one James Potter roughly two days after leaving the Hogwarts Express inviting him, and Sirius and Peter he later discovered, to the manor for a week of mischief and marauding at the end of July. James’ letter was not the only one Remus received that summer as both Peter and Sirius kept their word about writing when they could and keeping in touch much to Remus’ surprise.

He had been convinced, considering the amount of effort the other three put into their school work, that no one would bother writing him and it certainly wouldn’t have been a new sensation to the young boy who had never received a letter of his own prior to his Hogwarts acceptance. Knowing that though, perhaps it’s understandable behavior for Remus to open each letter with a careful caution, wanting to savor the warmth and happiness that flowed through his veins, and made certain that each one was kept safe within a charmed lock box hidden beneath his bed. Each letter was a cherished memory and reminder that his first year at school had not been a dream and neither had the precious friendships he fostered.

But sometimes the most precious things in life can become buried by heartache and suffering, something this particular young boy is no stranger to despite his age. Aside from the elation each letter brought Remus, his summer was not a particularly pleasant one. It had, in fact, been a terrible one with the letters being the only glimmers of happiness sporadically mixed in.

After only a week of being home, Remus awoke one night from a deep slumber to a slammed door and a dull thud sounding suspiciously like a body falling to the floor. Climbing carefully out of bed, his muscles aching from the strain of the full moon the previous evening, Remus found himself gazing down the rickety, old stairwell of Lupin Cottage at his father in crumpled sobs by the front door and felt the cold, emptiness of his parents’ bedroom like an endless void behind him waiting to swallow him whole. Remus Lupin was young, but very smart. It did not take long for the boy to piece together the story, feeling his heart clench painfully as burning tears slid down his face.

It was just the two of them now.

The following days and weeks continued to worsen with each passing minute. Remus’ father had fallen into a deep depression, eyes dull and lifeless as he drowned himself in sorrow and alcohol, sparing barely even a glance for his son. Lyall Lupin made it no secret that he believed Remus’ ‘illness’ was the cause of Hope Lupin’s sudden departure and, with the impressionable nature of young children, Remus had no problem believing each word that dripped like venom from the drunkard’s lips. It was the first time Remus had felt afraid of his father, the first time he had felt genuine anger and hatred towards himself rather than his lycanthropy.

To make matters even worse, if you can imagine, Remus’ transformations were becoming more severe and straining each atom of his body to the breaking point. As many twelve year old boys tend to do, Remus was going through puberty and finally hitting the point where the full effects of lycanthropy began to hit. Remus found himself lost as the hope and comfort he so longingly clung to began to slip into the abyss.

_I can fake a smile, I can force a laugh,_

_I can dance and play the part if that’s what you ask,_

_Give you all I am._

Despite the problems ravaging his life, Remus was bound and determined to stick to his word and attend the ‘Marauders Adventure Week,’ as James had dubbed it, and forced himself out of his slump, through the emotional pain of grief and the physical ache of his many injuries. His friends were truly the only good thing he had left in his life and he shuddered at the thought of potentially losing them if he didn’t show.

The boys had a grand time at the manor, though often driving Dorea and Charlus Potter to the brink of insanity with their antics, and for the first time that summer, Remus had felt the icy claws of grief unclench from his heart and allowed himself a moment of laughter and a genuine smile. He couldn’t remember the last time he had laughed or smiled and he wasn’t the only one to notice.

As it turned out, he wasn’t as good at hiding his problems as he thought. Sirius was the first to notice, being the closest to Remus overall, and he didn’t hesitate to share his concerns with James, and in turn Peter, about their friend. The next to notice, which was unexpected to all the boys, was Dorea Potter who pulled Remus aside his second night at the manor to ask if he was alright, the shadows lining his eyes worrying her. The loving touch and calming voice of a mother enveloped him and everything became too much for the young werewolf. Remus felt himself break as everything spilled out in a manner beyond his control, Dorea merely grasping the boy tightly in her arms as he released all the suffering he had endured. Mrs. Potter, being the protective and loving woman she is, brought a surprised hitch to Remus’ chest as she reminded him that he would always have a home with them should he ever need it.

From that point on, much to his friends’ relief, Remus seemed better, spending the remaining days of their week soaking up every smile and laugh to sustain him until September first came around once more. Sirius, though, only felt comforted when he was certain the boy’s smiles were reaching his eyes, turning them to sunlit pools of honey.

For the remainder of summer, the three boys made a pact to check in on Remus more often than before, especially Sirius who felt driven by a fierce protectiveness that raced down his spine every time he had caught the dullness behind Remus’ eyes, hidden behind a fake smile. They also made sure to give Remus the warmest and tightest of hugs when they found him on the Hogwarts Express at the start of their second year, the boy in question blushing at the direct affection.

Now, they were a few months into the school year and Remus couldn’t help but smile softly into the crinkled pages of his book as his friends wrestled across the floor of the Gryffindor common room. It was just a couple days before Halloween and, more concerning to Remus, the night before the next full moon. Remus was nervous and the jittery feeling of burning pain nipping at his bones was not helping. It had been harder with each passing moon to hide his deepest secret from the boys during their first year at Hogwarts, but with his changes over the summer it was nearly impossible to continue convincing his nosy friends that each hospital wing visit and excuse of illness was valid and _not tied to the full moon cycle in any way_.

Remus should have known it wouldn’t last forever.

_But I’m only human and I bleed when I fall down._

_I’m only human and I crash and I break down._

The morning after the October full moon, Remus felt himself begin to wake in response to a sudden wave of fear crawling through his body, a hundred centipedes gouging their way through his nerves. Confused and startled, he urged himself to wake up and felt his eyes flash open. Taking in the clean white sheets and raised ceiling before him, he almost breathed a sigh of relief, reminded that he was in the hospital wing being treated for a rather deep gouge across his left flank and the general exhaustion of a full moon transformation.

But it wasn’t waking in an unfamiliar location making his heart pump rapidly. He could smell a familiar scent tinged with spice and warmth, one he had hoped to never catch in this particular room. Wildly looking from side to side in search of the familiar, but definitely unwanted in this circumstance, face of Sirius, Remus felt confusion settle in as he saw nothing but empty beds and Madam Pomfrey who was mixing several ingredients at her desk in the far corner of the room. Ignoring the aching in his neck from whipping it around and the general stiffness of his muscles, Remus pushed himself into a sitting position, causing the woman bustling about in the corner to raise her head.

“Oh my dear boy, you certainly had a rough night. How are you feeling?” Remus, who was struggling to listen _and_ continue figuring out why he smelled Sirius so close by, shook himself and turned back to Madam Pomfrey when she repeated herself once more, concern lacing her voice at his lack of response.

“Sorry. I’m okay, just sore. Thank you for taking care of me.” The older woman tutted.

“Of course dear, that’s my job. Now, if you want to just take these couple of potions, you’re free to return to your dormitory whenever you’d like. They’re just your standard pain and pepper-up potions. Take it easy for the day, no messing about with those troublemaking friends of yours.” She spoke the last sentence with a stern look in her eye, though the ferocity of the look was lessened somewhat by the amused grin on her face, and Remus sheepishly nodded in reply, gulping through the shuddering acidity of the potions. As he rose to leave, he stopped himself, turning to the medi-witch.

“I’m sorry, but did… did any of my friends come here while I was sleeping? Sirius perhaps?” The witch raised a brow and shook her head.

“No dear, I make quite sure that no one comes near you after a night like that. I know how important it is for your secret to remain such.” Remus shook his head and, after apologizing for making it seem like he assumed she would turn him in, he made his way through the infirmary doors which had been left slightly ajar.

As Remus walked the winding hallways leading back to Gryffindor tower, silently thanking whatever higher being there may be for making the moon on a Friday and giving him a weekend to recover, he suddenly noted that the scent he caught in the hospital wing seemed to be following him. Stopping, Remus turned around and gazed with narrowed eyes throughout the abandoned corridor. Taking tentative steps towards the source of the scent, Remus felt his mouth open as a quiet whisper came from him.

“Sirius?” As he spoke, the air just in front of his nose shimmered and the pale, nervous face of Sirius Black appeared from beneath an invisibility cloak, the one James had received at Christmas last year from his father. Remus could feel the nerves and concern flooding from his friend as Sirius greeted him quietly and felt his lungs constrict as the pieces locked into place. “You were in the hospital wing. Did you… how much did you hear?” Sirius sighed and looked down at the stone floor beneath their feet, scuffing the ground lightly. The chilled autumn air wafting through the open hall suddenly felt that much more frigid, glazing over Remus’ skin like icy flames.

“Everything. Remus, I didn’t mean to, I swear. I was just really worried about you cause you were always sick and I knew you wouldn’t tell me what was really going on so I-I followed you with the cloak last night. I saw you go beneath the Whomping Willow and couldn’t figure out how to follow you, so I waited in the hospital wing until you were brought in this morning.” Remus felt the roaring rush of blood fill his ears, muffling the rest of what Sirius said as pure terror filled him.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” he said, fearful anger lacing his tone as he tried to deny what he knew deep down Sirius had ultimately discovered. “Remus, I know what you are.” Remus couldn’t control his words.

“Go on then. Say it.” Sirius, looking up at him with eyes that seemed to break Remus’ heart every time he saw them, finally whispered.

“A werewolf…”

Remus ran.

_Your words in my head, knives in my heart._

_You build me up and then I fall apart._

  
Remus couldn’t breathe. Each attempt to inhale felt like swallowing a thousand shards of glass that tore through his lungs. His skin crawled, burning as his nerves worked through the rapid fire panic coursing through them. As black, swirling spots began to blur his vision, Remus felt himself collapse into a heap of broken sobs in an abandoned corner of the castle.

_This is bad, very bad._ The thought flooded his mind, sneaking into each little nook until nothing filled his head but panic and anguish. He thought he’d have more time, or hoped at the very least. He let himself fall too far, let them get too close. He should have _known better._ At twelve years old, Remus had everything he ever dreamed of and lost it in the blink of an eye. As he felt himself start to fall to the brink of unconsciousness, he heard it, the loud slapping of shoes sprinting across the cobbled floor. He shrunk into himself, hoping desperately that he was hidden from view, but as a shadow fell across him, he knew he’d been found.

“Remus!” The young boy cringed at the way warmth pulsed through him at the sound of Sirius’ voice and shoved his hands out to push Sirius away as the other boy reached out towards him. “It’s okay, Remus. I won’t touch you, but you need to breathe. Can you do that for me?” Remus, desperate now for air, tried his best to gasp in a breath, but the panic still gripped him tightly. Sirius ran a hasty, anxious hand through his hair and tried again. “Okay, I understand you’re struggling. We’re going to breathe together. You have to follow my breathing, got it?”

Not taking his eyes off his friend for a moment, Sirius began to slowly inhale and exhale taking about 5 seconds for each with a pause in between. He felt a relieved smile flood his face as Remus’ breathing noticeably slowed to copy his own and color began to wash over the curly-haired boy’s cheeks once more. Remus still refused to look up from where his eyes were trained upon the floor, however, and his arms still clung tightly around himself in a hug that looked more as if the boy were trying to hold himself together as he crumbled, piece by piece.

“Remus… you scared me. How are you doing now?” Sirius flinched at the cold, harsh laugh that left his friend’s mouth in response.

“How am I doing? _How am I doing?_ Oh, just fine and dandy after finding out that my best friend knows my deepest secret that I worked years to hide, after realizing I am about to lose the last things in this world I truly care about, after having the worst panic attack I’ve ever experienced in front of my best friend who knows I’m nothing but a monster.” Remus’ voice sounded hollow and defeated. “Go ahead, go to Dumbledore. I’ll be out of your hair soon enough, don’t worry.”

The last thing Remus expected in that moment was the feeling of soft fingers, icy from worry, grasping each side of his face with gentle, but firm, pressure and raising his chin to meet stormy irises as Sirius gave him a fierce, determined glare.

“Don’t you dare put words in my mouth, Remus John Lupin. I’ve had enough of that bullshit from my mother my entire life. You know what else I’ve had enough of from my rotten family? Prejudice and hatred. I spent my entire childhood being taught that anyone who wasn’t pureblood or fell into the category of what my family considered ‘right’ was beneath me and wrong. Well, I’ve spent far too much time and energy working against my family’s beliefs to let my _best friend_ sit there and make up stories of how he’s a monster for something he can’t control. _I am not afraid of you,_ Remus. You’re stuck with me so deal with it, wipe your tears, and lets go put itching powder in James’ underwear or something.”

Remus felt an involuntarily laugh bubble up through his tear-swollen throat and wrenched his gaze away from Sirius. “You can’t mean that. I’m dangerous, Sirius, you guys should get away from me while you can. You have no idea how much damage could’ve been done had you successfully followed me last night.” Sirius let out a frustrated growl.

“Knock it off, alright? I know what I meant and I will remind you every day till the day I die, or until you finally believe it, that we’re your friends, your _family._ Family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten, okay? We all love you, Remus. We swear on our lives to keep your secret and be there for you no matter what.” Though Remus had thought he could cry no more, tears once more spilled down his face at his friend’s words and he finally allowed himself a small piece of hope. Maybe his friend was telling the truth. Maybe he had not lost the only friends he held dear.

Smiling through his tears, Remus finally stood and looked at his friend again and in a slightly wobbling voice asked, “Itching powder, did you say?”

Sirius’s grin could’ve rivaled the Cheshire cat.

_I can take so much, until I’ve had enough._

Though it took several months before Remus truly felt comfortable enough with his friends discovering his secret, life became much easier after that day. James had responded in nearly the exact way as Sirius, insisting that nothing had changed and that Remus was still their friend no matter what, and while Peter took a bit more convincing, it was mainly due to his general nervousness and confusion.

Remus began to revel in the realization that he no longer had to come up with believable excuses to go to the infirmary or deal with annoyed comments towards his reluctance to participate in pranks on days when he was just too tired or in too much pain. Best of all, surprisingly to Remus, he found himself cracking jokes with his friends about his ‘furry little problem’ as James so thoughtfully named it.

After so many months of struggling and grieving, Remus finally felt as though things were clicking into place and he could actually allow himself a small piece of the normalcy he so desperately craved. It had been right in front of him for so long, ever since he started Hogwarts, and yet every time he reached out to grab it, his hand seemed to be pulled back, a puppet on a string unable to fight against the fear clouding his mind. But Sirius kept his word, reminding Remus of how much they cared for him and how important he was to them any time he saw doubt flicker into those hazel eyes.

Though their second year started out rocky, full of pain and suffering, the four boys found themselves continuing to grow closer and their bonds of friendship bloomed bigger and brighter than ever before. So much excitement and growth filled the days that the boys found they didn’t spare a passing thought to the soul marks that lined their skin (though James continued to pine after Lily Evans with a burning passion), but that was okay. They were young and carefree; there would be plenty of time to think about soulmates and all that craziness in the future.

After all, teenage boys have a lot more on their minds than gross stuff like kissing and love… right?

_Cause I’m only human…_


	3. Hold On Forever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Song Inspiration: Hold On Forever by Rob Thomas

_Another night and here we are again, all our faults laid out ahead._

_Let it out, then let it right back in, all those voices in your head._

Remus couldn’t help but allow a gentle smile to grace his lips as he reveled in the summer day they had been blessed with. Wales, well really the entire UK in general, is not typically known for days like this, but when they happened, it was commonly understood that each person should do whatever they can to enjoy every inch of it. They had been fortunate to have more of these days than usual in the past weeks.

The soft springiness of mossy grass molding to his gangly limbs and the rosy heat of sun rays caressing his cheeks, slowly darkening his skin to a rich honeycomb tan with each passing day, filled Remus with a serenity that often eluded his constantly battered body. It was early August and, so far, the summer had been relatively quiet. The moons had still been taxing as always, but being able to recuperate in bed with letters from his friends, which of course were loaded with jokes and grand adventures, never failed to lift the young boy out of his post-moon exhaustion.

The hardest part of the summer had actually been dealing with his father. Lyall Lupin’s grief and alcohol soaked depression had not eased through the months since his, now ex, wife had left him. Remus did everything in his power to spend as much time out of the house as possible; his presence always made his father’s moods worse and the young teenager refused to further the man’s suffering any more than he already was. Logically, Remus knew his mother’s sudden disappearance wasn’t his fault, but memories of rage filled eyes and cruel words spat in hatred clouded logic in this case and he couldn’t help but sink into the belief that he was the reason. Swallowing down the sudden lump constricting his throat, Remus pushed aside thoughts of his father, not wanting to spoil the day.

Remus felt his brow furrow slightly as a sudden shadow flashed across his face followed by the fluttery brushing sound of feathers. The young boy allowed his eyes to open, shielding them from the brightness with one scarred hand, catching sight of a large tawny owl swooping down from the air to perch on his bent, jean-clad knee. Reaching out, Remus noted that the owl actually had hold of two items: the first a crisp white envelope with neat script swirling across the front and the other a hastily folded and crinkled sheet of loose parchment. Pushing himself up into a fully seated position as the owl launched into the air once more, Remus took a closer look at the letters. The envelope was actually addressed to his father, surprisingly enough, but Remus found himself doing a double take at the name of the sender, biting his lip nervously.

‘To Lyall Lupin

Courtesy of Fleamont & Dorea Potter’

The young boy had no idea why the Potters would be trying to get in touch with his father and quickly shifted his attention to the parchment, hoping desperately it was from who he hoped and had an explanation of what was going on. Breathing a sigh of relief at the familiar scrawling writing of one James Potter, Remus read through the brief note detailed on the paper.

“Remus!

You’ll never believe it. Even after all the insane stunts we pulled last summer,

Mum and Dad actually agreed to have you all over again!

Marauders Adventure Week 2.0, can you believe it?

Mum’s sent along a note for your dad about it all, he’ll let you come again, right?

If not, don’t worry, Sirius and I’ll come up with some way to sneak you out.

Never fear, we couldn’t have Marauders adventures without you!

Anyway, they said cause it’d be close to the new school year by the end of the visit

that they’d just bring us all to Kings Cross and you could stay the rest of the summer.

You’ve got to convince your dad, okay? Looking forward to seeing you, mate.

Sirius is already here so we’ll both be waiting for you!

See you soon,

James.”

_And we both know everything, but we can’t learn to leave,_

_So I’ll tell you what you need._

Remus felt his heart swell with affection for his friend. Spending the final weeks of summer at the Potter’s sounded like a dream come true. The young boy wished he could allow the excitement to truly fill him, but he didn’t want to get his hopes up. Who knows what his father would say about the whole thing. If Remus knew the man as well as he thought he did, the answer would certainly be no; he was just too dangerous when he wasn’t at home or school.

Scraping together scattered bits of courage, Remus made the trek across the garden and through the screen door at the back of Lupin Cottage. “Da?” Remus called out, wincing at the quiver of nerves he could hear tinging his voice. Hearing a responding grunt from down the hall, Remus padded into the dimly lit living room (his father firmly insisted the curtains remain drawn at all times to avoid unwanted attention) where his father sat.

Gulping past his anxiety, Remus held the letter out to the man slumped over their worn maroon armchair, watching cautiously as glazed eyes scanned the front of the envelope and grimy fingers tore the seal open. Remus held his breath as his father read through the letter, flinching harshly when the pages were suddenly tossed into the licking flames of the nearby fire. Too afraid to speak up, Remus could only watch in pained silence as the paper crumbled to ash before him, tears pricking his eyes. The heat in the room suddenly became stifling and Remus wanted nothing more than to escape, but he forced himself to stay, waiting for his father to actually _say_ something.

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, those glazed brown eyes flickered to him. “Well, what the hell are you just standing there for, boy? Go get your shit and get out of here already. You won’t be turning into that… thing again until after you’re back at school anyway and I don’t need to see your face around here day in, day out. Just get, you hear me?”

Disbelief and hurt warred in Remus’ heart. He felt the utter elation of freedom fight against the crushing pain of hearing his own father sounding so desperate to be rid of him. Shaking himself back to reality, Remus found himself nodding and rushing to pack his things. Hefting the fully packed trunk from his bed, he took one final glance around the room before treading back down the stairs to the fireplace once more. Without so much as a glance at his father, teenage spite getting the best of him for a moment, Remus grasped a palm full of silky floo powder and chucked it into the flames. With no hesitation, the boy stepped into the flames and shouted, “Potter Manor!”

_First thing, we make you feel better. Next stop, we pull it all together._

_I’ll keep you warm like a sweater, take my hand, hold on forever._

Remus caught himself from a stumble as the whirlwind sensation of floo travel whipped around him and tossed him out onto the gleaming wood floors of Potter Manor. Ruffling his fingers through his curls, he brushed the fine layer of soot away and glanced around the room. Already he could feel the warm sensations of the house flood him: the spiced scents of nutmeg and cardamom wafting from the kitchen, the gentle background hum of voices carrying from all corners of the house, even the delicate beams of sun shining through the windows seemed more inviting than usual.

Remus left out a sigh of relief and felt a great deal of tension release from his shoulders, a feeling of safety and love surrounding him. A flicker of movement from the doorway to his right caught his attention and he smiled warmly as Dorea Potter poked her head into the room, a slightly bemused expression on her face as she investigated the sudden noise she’d heard. Her confusion was quickly replaced with surprised delight as she caught sight of the boy standing before her fireplace.

“Remus, dear! We weren’t expecting you so soon, not that you aren’t welcome whenever, of course. It’s wonderful to see you, darling.” Mrs. Potter strode into the room confidently, wrapping Remus in a tight hug that made his heart ache from both longing and happiness. When they finally parted, Remus cleared his throat and rubbed the back of his head awkwardly.

“Sorry about the sudden intrusion, Mrs. Potter. I’m afraid I didn’t get to hear what was in the letter you sent my Da. I apologize if I arrived sooner than you’d wanted… He sort of, well he just told me to go so I assumed…” Remus found himself trailing off, biting his lip nervously again as anxious thoughts raced through his head. He couldn’t get very far with those, however, before Mrs. Potter was tutting and responding in a welcoming, but firm, tone.

“Not a problem at all, my dear. We are thrilled to have you and I’m certain the two upstairs will be ecstatic as well. Run along then; they’re in James’ room.” A wicked grin slid onto his face as he nodded and made his way towards the grand wooden staircase around the corner, hearing Mrs. Potter giggle softly behind him.

As he approached the top step, he could hear muffled bickering hissing from beneath the doorway just to the left of the stairs. The noises soon grew louder, turning into dull thumps and shouts as, he could only assume, James and Sirius got themselves into another wrestling match.

Padding his way to the door, he inched it open slowly and watched in amusement as James fought to pin Sirius, who was clearly the superior wrestler of the two, not even coming close to winning even once in the few minutes Remus stood there. After several minutes of scuffling passed, where Sirius clearly was putting little effort into pinning a squirming James to the floor, James suddenly flung himself up from Sirius’ hold as though he were struck by lightning and managed to wrangle himself onto the other boy’s back, grabbing at black locks of hair triumphantly.

“Ouch, James, you bloody tosser. Not the hair!” Remus could no longer hold back his laughter and missed the twin looks of surprise as James and Sirius finally noticed him, doubled over in hysterics at this point, standing in the doorway. “Moony!” Remus groaned as Sirius cried out in greeting using the nickname the other boys had decided upon a few weeks into their discovery of his ‘furry little problem’.

“I’m never going to be rid of that name, am I.” Remus let out a loud ‘oof’ as Sirius barreled him with a hug, nearly knocking him to the ground. “Hello to you too, Sirius. Hey, James.” If you asked, Remus would tell you his expression was one of annoyed tolerance, but even he could not hide the elated smile that warmed his face as he was reunited with his friends. “No Pete?”

“No, unfortunately,” James responded with a dramatic sigh. “Poor bloke’s stuck on a ‘family holiday’ and won’t be back until a couple days before the new term.” Remus nodded and made his way into the room, dragging Sirius, literally as his friend remained latched around his neck and flopped along like an obnoxious cape, with him as he joined James on the beige carpet lining the bedroom floor.

It was easy enough to pry Sirius’ fingers apart and pull the boy off his shoulders, grinning wickedly at the pout that formed on his friend’s lips. Rather than saying anything, Remus merely rose a brow and waited. It didn’t take very long before Sirius rolled his eyes and spread himself over the floor across both Remus’ and James’ laps in a heap. “Fine, Moony, but you owe me some cuddles later. It’s been far too long.” Remus shook his head in amusement.

“Why am I not surprised?”

_Just fall apart if you need to, I’m here and I won’t leave you now._

_Don’t look down, hold on forever._

The boys proceeded to spend the afternoon catching up and rough housing a bit, as young teenage boys tended to do. Fortunately for Mr. and Mrs. Potter, who came up to check on the boys every so often, they didn’t get into much mischief (well, that day at least). After a delicious supper of curried delights and a relaxed evening of wizard chess, and reading on Remus’ part, the boys finally made their way up the stairs to their respective rooms for bed, lethargically shoving each other’s shoulders on their way up before bidding the others good night. As Remus slipped into his favorite green flannel pajama bottoms and a worn, but comfortable, black tee, he felt unwanted memories and flashes of pain nip at the edges of his mind. The distraction of seeing his friends again had managed to keep them at bay, but now, sitting alone in the dark, he could no longer ignore them.

**Don’t need to see your face around here.**

**That… thing.**

**How could you do this to me?**

**Son? I don’t have a son…**

Remus flung himself from the bed, feeling a fierce desperation to silence the thoughts racing through his mind. He tore out the door as quietly as he could in his panic and sought a hidden corner he could escape to. He was too close to the others; they’d hear him and he didn’t want to bother anyone else with his problems.

Hastily searching the long, maze-like corridors of the upper floors in Potter Manor, Remus finally discovered a moonlit reading nook settled within one of the pristine glass windows lining the manor. The nook had fluffy pillows and cozy blankets piled in one corner and Remus did not hesitate to make himself a little nest to burrow in as he felt hot sobs rip through his throat.

He just didn’t understand. Had he really caused so much trouble that his own father didn’t want him anymore? That his mother had been so overwhelmed she had to leave them for good? Remus put every effort his body could muster into being a good child, one who did as he was told and got good grades. The most mischief he’d ever gotten into was the harmless pranks he helped the Marauders concoct and he was actually the only one of the four boys who had successfully not gotten caught in the act.

_But,_ Remus thought, _there is of course the fact that I… am what I am._ Yes, that would make sense, having your child turn into a werewolf. Remus couldn’t really imagine the harsh reality his parents had been dealing with for so many years. But then Remus’ mind flashed to thoughts of Sirius and James and Peter who stuck by him and reminded him of how much they loved him, even after finding out his secrets. Not to mention the Potters who treated him as their own in ways his parents never had, or at least not in a very long time. Could his illness really be so bad if such wonderful people could spend their days loving him?

_Lay down all your troubles end to end, they could reach up to the stars._

_So many roads, you don’t know where you’ve been, but you still know who you are._

Unbeknownst to Remus, Sirius Black was not in his bed. In fact, fate seemed to be playing her mystical hand on this quiet evening as Sirius had been hidden in the shadows of his bedroom doorway just as Remus had torn out of his own. Even in the dim light, the tears glinting on those scarred cheeks were clear as day. Sirius, bewildered and worried by what he’d seen, slowly followed after his friend, his own reasons for being out of bed forgotten.

Padding up the stairs, Sirius came to the third floor landing and hesitated, unsure of which direction Remus went. As he turned to go right, towards the rooms that held Mr. Potter’s office and another guest room on the far end, he felt a strange tugging pull in his chest turning him to face the left side of the hallway, the path leading to the library. He should’ve known Remus would head in that direction; his friend’s mind was always drawn to books whether he was conscious of that fact or not.

As he walked the stretch of hall before him, the plush carpet runner along the floor squishing between his toes in a comforting way that did not fit the current mood, Sirius made sure to peer closely at every corner or nook he passed, sure that Remus would be hiding in one somewhere. But it turned out that Sirius heard Remus before spotting him. The boy’s heart wrenching sobs had quieted to gasps of breath and wet sniffles and it wasn’t long before Sirius was turning into the window nook, just a few paces from the library door.

“Remus…” The scarred boy jolted in surprise and red rimmed, tear stained eyes met his own, the heated amber sparking in the pale light filtering in from the moonlit sky outside.

“Sirius, what are you doing here?” Remus hastily tried wiping the tears from his eyes, but the evidence was clear on every speck of his face.

“I was leaving my room to get a drink when I saw you run out. I was worried so I followed you to make sure you were okay. Remus, what’s wrong?” As he spoke, Sirius crawled over Remus’ lap tucking himself into the nest of blankets beside his friend and wrapping his arms around the boy in a comforting embrace. “Talk to me… _please._ ” Remus felt another wave of tears fill his eyes as his friend hugged him and he couldn’t stop his head from falling to Sirius’ shoulder, tears silently trickling down his face as he took a shuddering breath.

“Um, well. It’s my Da… H-He said some stuff, before I left, a-about how he doesn’t want to see my face a-and that I’m a… th-thing.” Sirius felt his muscles tighten in silent rage, fighting an angered growl as it rose in the throat. _Remus needs you. You can be angry later,_ Sirius thought sternly to himself.

“Then it’s his loss.” Remus glanced up in surprise, finding Sirius looking down at him, their faces quite close together and those stormy blue eyes smiled warmly at him. “Remus, you’re my best friend and I cherish that more than you could possibly know. I know how to feels to have a parent tell you crap like that, don’t let it get to you, okay? I know, sounds easier said than done, but you are too good, too wonderful to let all of that terrible nonsense in. Don’t let it take away your happiness.” As Sirius spoke, he watched as Remus shook his head more vehemently with every word.

“How can you say that? How is it that James and Peter and Mr. and Mrs. Potter and _you_ can even stand to look at me let alone say these nice things? I’m a freak of nature, a _monster._ I’m the reason my Mum left, the reason my Da can’t even stand to look at me. I just ruin _everything._ ” Remus’ body shook with a mix of self-hatred and rage with enough force that his words should’ve been loud, shouted from the rooftops in a fiery anger that consumed everything in its path. Instead, the words seemed to barely escape the confines of the boy’s mouth as it hummed out in a low, shivering whisper. As he paused in speaking, he tried to jerk his body away from Sirius’ embrace, but Sirius’ arms held him stubbornly.

“Do you remember what I told you that day, when I told you I knew you were a werewolf?” Remus, caught off guard by the soft lull his friend’s voice had taken on, nodded in confusion, his tears subsiding as his mind became distracted. “I made you a promise. I swore that I would do whatever it took to make you remember that we all love you and that we’ll never see you as anything less than what you truly are: an unfathomably kind, intelligent young boy who took it upon himself to befriend a bunch of knuckleheads who do nothing but cause mischief and help us learn what it is to have a true brotherhood of love and friendship. I’m sorry. I’m sorry that you have to deal with a home life like mine where the ones who are supposed to love you unconditionally decide they can’t; you don’t deserve it in the slightest. But you and I? We’ve been dealt some nasty hands, Remus, and it’s up to us to find the courage and determination to overcome it. We are Gryffindors after all, aren’t we? We’re going to make it through this together, okay?”

As he finished speaking, Sirius looked back down at Remus and met his gaze once more. Remus, in slight awe of his friend, gaped and it took several moments before he finally shook himself, gave a slightly watery smile, and reached out to hug his friend in relieved gratitude.

“You and me.”

_Just take my hand, hold on forever._


	4. Ocean Eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Song Inspiration: Ocean Eyes by Billie Eilish

_I’ve been watching you, for some time._

_Can’t stop staring at those ocean eyes._

Despite the hardships of the weeks, the last sun-soaked days of summer whirled by in a flash and it wasn’t long before the boys found themselves back on the Hogwarts Express heading into their third term. Days filled with laughter, adventure, and brotherhood filled their heads as Sirius, James, and Remus caught up with their friends, recounting their most mischievous moments to some who were awestruck (like Frank and Alice), some who were jealous (Marlene and Peter), and some who were just plain annoyed (Lily and Mary). It wasn’t until Frank cleared his throat that James and Sirius paused in their stories to look over and find both Frank and Alice blushing and holding hands gently between them on the compartment bench. As if on cue, Marlene, Mary, and Lily’s mouths dropped and a trio of soft, but excited, squeaks flew out.

“Excuse me, Alice, do you have a little something to share with the class?” Marlene asked sassily, eyeing her friend up and down with a cocky yet joyous grin on her lips. “Or better yet, Mr. Longbottom, just what are your intentions with our dear little Alice here?” The trio of girls stood in a little group, staring down their friends, and even Sirius started to find himself a little bit intimidated.

“Frank, you may want to speak up quick, mate. They seem a bit scary right now,” Remus stated in a half whisper as Frank suddenly shook himself and attempted to speak, jaw wibbling up and down pathetically as nothing but a wheeze left his throat. Fortunately, as Frank tended to blurt out answers before thinking, Alice beat him to it.

“We’re soulmates!” Alice, realizing what had happened, blushed fiercely, the rosy color illuminating her entire face. After a quick glance, Frank and Alice both reached for the collars of their robes and pulled them down just enough that their marks were visible. On Alice’s chest sat an intricate inked horn and on Frank’s a detailed, jeweled tiara.

“It took us a while to figure it out. I mean we’ve known each other for three years now and it was only this summer when we realized what they meant, but we met up at this fancy party Frank’s mother was hosting and, well you guys know our mums are friends, we were both there. When I was looking around their home, I noticed the Longbottom crest hanging on the wall and realized the horns were exactly the same as my soul mark and Frank found me while I was still freaking out over it. I blurted it out and he showed me his, asking if it meant anything to me and well… the name Alice is known to mean noble or royalty.”

As Alice explained the events of her new summer romance, she and Frank kept giving each other glances, which Sirius and James jokingly retched over, and all of Alice’s dorm mates sat listening with enraptured looks on their faces as their friend’s very own love story played out before them.

“Alright enough of this already, you guys are going to give me cavities with how sweet it all is. Let’s go back to talking about me!” Remus rolled his eyes as Sirius spoke, the boy lounging back against the compartment bench casually, his feet propped on the opposite bench beside Remus’ hip. He smirked as Lily smacked him reproachfully on the shoulder.

“Knock it off, Black,” muttered Lily, in a reproachful manner, though the excited glint in her eyes had not wavered making her threats harmless. Remus couldn’t help but smile as he looked around at all of his friends enjoying the happy moment, making eye contact with Sirius as he did. It was as his eyes met Sirius’ for a brief moment before glancing away that he felt his entire body freeze suddenly, widened eyes whipping back to Sirius again who was now looking at James as the other boy attempted to balance his wand on his nose in an attempt to impress Lily.

_No, no, no. It’s not possible; it can’t be possible. I must be imagining things._ Remus thought to himself, stifling the sudden panic rising up in his throat. He watched, helpless, as Sirius looked back at him, a confused expression overtaking his face as he noticed his friend’s bewildered look.

“Remus…?” Sirius asked quietly, leaning forward to keep the conversation more private as the others continued to shout and laugh on the other end of the compartment. “Are you alright, Moony?” Remus forced himself to swallow down his anxiety and smile back at Sirius.

“Fine, Sirius. Just fine.”

_No fair, you really know how to make me cry_

_When you give me those ocean eyes_

Remus was quiet the rest of the evening, not even the heaping plates of delicious food and sweets at the feast cheered him up. Sirius kept a watchful eye on his friend as the hours ticked by, but didn’t know what to do to make his friend come out of his shell and tell him what was wrong. It was clear that _something_ was up (his friend had even turned down the luscious piece of chocolate cake Peter had offered) no matter how much Remus may have tried to brush it off as nothing.

At one point, Remus leaned over and whispered something to James who was sitting beside him, waiting for a moment when Sirius was busy talking to Peter before doing so. “James, this may sound like a strange question, but just humor me for a second, okay?” Remus waited for James’ nod before continuing, confusion knitting through his friend’s eyes. “What… What color are Sirius’ eyes?” James quirked up an eyebrow before replying.

“Erm, like a light sort of blue, I guess. Moony, are you color blind or something and we didn’t know? Is it a wolf thing, like how dogs can only see black and white?” Remus forced himself to choke out a laugh even as bile rose up in his throat.

“No, nothing like that. Sorry, James, just ignore me. I thought… I thought something was weird on the train earlier, but it must have been a trick of the light.” Remus cringed internally. _Oh yeah, definitely, keep telling yourself that you idiot._ “Don’t worry about it; forget I said anything, okay?” Remus quickly busied himself in a conversation with Lily, on his other side, before James could say anything else, embarrassment and further panic welling up inside him.

It was a miracle he made it through the feast without raising any major concern from his housemates.

As the four marauders made their way up the grand staircases leading to Gryffindor tower, continuing to shoot worried glances at Remus as they went, Remus paused in his steps and spoke. “You guys go on ahead. I just want to take a walk for a while.” Sirius exchanged a concerned look with James.

“Are you sure, Moony? Do you want us to come with you?” James spoke hesitantly, not wanting his friend to think he was coddling him (there had been too many times where Sirius had joked about James being the ‘mother’ friend in their group).

“No, don’t be silly. I’m okay, just want to get some air.” With that, the scarred boy turned and walked off through the dim corridors leading down the second floor, heading in the direction of the west side of the castle. Sirius, who had unconsciously stepped forward as if to follow, felt a gentle, but firm, hand grasp his shoulder. He whirled his head around to meet James’ gaze as the boy gave him an apologetic smile while shaking his head.

“Let’s give him a moment, okay? Why don’t we go work on more research about… you know what… _Padfoot_.” James let a smirk grace his face as Sirius’ eyes lit up. Their top-secret plan to help Remus (dubbed ‘Operation: Furry Little Problem’ by James) had been Sirius’ idea in the first place and he was always all too eager to put in the work to accomplish their goals. It was one of the only times James and Peter had seen Sirius actually put effort into something resembling school work.

“An excellent idea, _Prongs_. Off we go then!” Sirius gestured for James to lead the way, Peter waddling after him like the dedicated duckling he was, but could not help himself from taking one last glance down the corridor Remus had disappeared into, a memory of pained amber eyes flashing through his mind.

_I’m scared._

_I’ve never fallen from quite this high,_

_Falling into your ocean eyes._

Remus refused to let himself get lost in his anxieties. He was thirteen ( _nearly fourteen,_ his brain unhelpfully reminded him) years old for god’s sake, he didn’t need to curl up in a corner and lose himself to the panic every time something happened. Remus knew it was wishful thinking, knew he didn’t really have any way to control his body’s reaction to his mind’s worries, but rather than hide from the world, Remus chose instead to face it head on, walking with his head high as he gulped breaths of cooled air to help calm him. Reaching an abandoned lavatory at the base of the astronomy tower, Remus slipped in and looked in the mirror. Slowly, he reached up with hands that shook from a mix of nerves and desperation to unbutton his shirt and pull it away from where it covered the left side of his chest.

Just as it had appeared three years ago this very night, Remus drank in the sight of his soul mark. The carefully etched stars seemed to radiate warmth each time he ran his fingers across the ink, the strength of the magic flowing in those lines never wavering. The moment he had realized earlier on the train, he built up a wall, a great dam to hold back the flood of thoughts raging in his mind like a vicious typhoon. Now, as he stood there alone, he let the barrier break, feeling a chaotic whirlwind of disbelief, fear, and tentative hope overwhelm his being.

Sirius Black was his soul mate.

It should’ve been obvious really; he had no idea how he didn’t realize it from the start. Granted, when his soul mark first appeared at age eleven, he had more on his mind than his soul mate considering he was trying to balance school, friendships, and being a werewolf all while being shoved through a little thing called puberty.

Remus hadn’t even put the clues together, but they were so clear. That first night at Hogwarts when James had burst out with the sudden news that his soul mark had appeared was the same night Remus’ had. Fortunately for Remus who refused to think of James in a romantic way (something he seemed to be lacking in regard to Sirius), James’ mark clearly meant he was destined to be with Lily Evans and not him, but Remus should have known that his appearing meant he had just met his soulmate on the train or at school too. Then there was the fact that apparently Sirius’ eyes were only that mesmerizing shade of blue-gray to Remus. Whenever he looked into those eyes it felt like an eternal descent into the ocean; he could stare at them for hours and still find something new about them to commit to memory.

_Idiot,_ Remus thought to himself harshly, but then he considered it again. If he had realized three years ago that Sirius was his soul mate, he would’ve walked away and never allowed them to become friends, to become as close as they were today. As much as Remus tried to keep people safe from him and isolate himself, he would not give up his friendships for anything. He would _do_ anything to keep those friendships alive because without them he was lost. Without _Sirius_ he was lost.

_Oh, Merlin… Does Sirius know?_ Remus felt another wave of panic rise as this new realization occurred. There was no way, right? Sirius was certainly more intelligent and observant than he led most people to believe, but Sirius had never even mentioned his soulmate before. In fact, Remus wasn’t even sure Sirius had received his soul mark yet. After all, the soul marks aren’t always reciprocated, though it was a rare occurrence. It would be just his luck to be cursed with an unrequited soul mark.

That settled it in Remus’ mind. He would put his new discovery away in his mind, seal it to be dealt with another time, and just focus on being with his friends as normal. After all, Remus wasn’t in love with Sirius. Sure, his friend was always good for a smile and his hugs were warm and made Remus feel at home, but that doesn’t mean Remus fancies him.

No, they would just be friends and that would be that.

_I’ve been walking through a world gone blind._

_Can’t stop thinking of your diamond mind._

Apparently being ‘just friends’ was harder than Remus thought. Now that he was aware of Sirius being his soulmate, he couldn’t stop thinking about it. It had been approximately four months since Remus came to the realization that Sirius Black was his soulmate and he spent that entire time trying to convince himself that the lingering looks he kept giving his friend were purely platonic. It was no use, the scarred boy couldn’t help but notice every tiny detail that formed the map of Sirius’ face, every delicate twitch of his pianist hands, and don’t even get Remus started on those eyes. Remus Lupin was a firm believer that the fact poems had yet to be written about Sirius Black’s eyes alone was a crime against humanity.

It wasn’t like Remus had ever thought about fancying people before. He was only thirteen years old, it wasn’t generally something he had taken the time to think about. Sure, he’d noticed that some of the other third year boys had started making comments about how a particular girl looked pretty that day or the offhand remarks of a more crude nature generally revolving around the female chest region, but Remus had never found himself intrigued enough to partake in those conversations.

The marauders didn’t broach the subject much anyway. James was fully infatuated with Lily Evans and, while his pining could get excessive at times, he was generally harmless and preferred to gaze at her with a dopey smile than gossip about her with his mates. Peter, the poor lad, wasn’t the prettiest and struggled enough with getting merely a glance from the female students to really have any comments of note to make. That left Sirius.

Remus would be lying if he said he hadn’t noticed the attention Sirius got day to day from the female students (he would also be lying if he said it never bothered him, but that’s a whole other problem that Remus refused to think about right now). Though Sirius had yet to take any girls up on their offers of Hogsmeade dates, his friend was most definitely a flirt and was not afraid to flash a wink or blush-inducing smile at girls that gave him more than a passing glance. Somewhere deep down, Remus could feel pangs of hurt at each gesture Sirius would make towards them, but he forced himself to ignore it.

He wanted Sirius to be happy. Remus knew he wasn’t much: poor, scarred, a dark creature – Sirius could do so much better, _deserved_ so much better. It was this line of thinking exactly that prompted Remus to clap his friend on the back and send him a happy, albeit strained, grin when Sirius finally gave in and agreed to take a pretty little Hufflepuff girl to Hogsmeade during the final weekend trip before the winter holidays.

_Careful creature made friends with time._

_He left her lonely with a diamond mind and those ocean eyes._

The Hogsmeade weekend came up quickly in a flurry of midterm exams and first snowfalls. Remus was caught off guard with the realization that Christmas was only two weeks away. He’d have to make sure to grab a few things in Hogsmeade as the boys had agreed to give each other their gifts the night before the train home, all agreeing that they liked seeing the reactions to their gifts in person rather than via letter. Surprisingly, Remus’ father had sent him a letter asking him to be home for the break and Regulus had sought out Sirius just earlier that week to let him know he was wanted at home. Both boys had been extended an invite to the Potters, but in light of these events had to turn it down. Time was passing by too quickly for Remus’ liking, wanting nothing more than to spend the holiday hanging out with the Marauders, but he had already disappointed his father enough. He’d just have to make sure the last few days with his friends before the holiday were extraordinary.

As he browsed the shops in the village, James and Peter off pillaging Zonko’s while Sirius escorted his date, he couldn’t help but notice all the comings and goings of the different couples. He tried to get his mind off it, furiously pushing his attention onto the items in the shop windows, but it was no use. Most were older students, but he caught several glimpses of students in his year slipping through the door of Madam Puddifoot’s and shyly meandering down the road hand in hand. Before he could stop himself, images flashed through his mind of him and Sirius warmly gripping each other’s hands as they wandered off on their own.

_Knock it off,_ Remus growled to himself. Each time he allowed himself the freedom to wander with these types of thoughts, he felt himself get his hopes up and start thinking that maybe, one day, Sirius would come to him and say Remus was his soulmate too. He couldn’t afford to think like that so he ferociously shook his head, clearing the thoughts and catching a glimpse of something in the corner of the shop he was in as he did so.

As he walked closer, his breath caught in his throat and, before he could even blink, he had already reached out to grab it and purchased it without another thought. With his bag already laden with gifts for Peter and James, this final piece completed the set and he felt a surge of pride in the gifts he’d found as he made his way back up the frost-lined path leading to the castle. As he climbed the stairs leading to the third year dorms in Gryffindor tower, he expected to walk into an empty room with plenty of time to carefully wrap up the Christmas gifts he had purchased without worrying about his friends getting a sneak peek. Instead, he found the room was full with all three of his dorm mates sprawled out across their beds lazily.

“Oh,” Remus exclaimed in surprise. “Hey, lads. You’re all back early? Sirius, didn’t your date go well?” Remus frowned as Sirius shrugged, not looking up from the Quidditch Weekly magazine spread across his lap. Remus looked over at James, raising an eyebrow, and found the bespectacled boy already looking at him with an annoyed glare that took Remus aback. “Everything okay, James?”

“Not exactly. A certain little Hufflepuff decided it would be good to string Sirius along. He was being a perfect gentleman and had gone to fetch the girl a sweet from Honeydukes and when he came back out she was off snogging some other bloke from Ravenclaw.” An angry dip had formed in James’ eyebrows, but he suddenly looked scolded as Sirius gave an exasperated sigh.

“Prongs, knock it off already. I’m fine. I didn’t even like her all that much anyway, she can go snog whoever she wants.” He wouldn’t mention it for the sake of Sirius’ pride, but it had been impossible for Remus to miss the flash of hurt that marred his friend’s eyes for a split second as he spoke. James just sighed and, quick as a dart, decided to launch himself onto Sirius’ bed and gather him up in a brotherly neck hug which Sirius half-heartedly tried to avoid by wriggling his head around while laughter bubbled up from his throat.

“Sorry, Padfoot. I just don’t like seeing my friends being treated like crap, you know?” Sirius gave James a smile and ruffled the already messy black hair atop James’ head.

“Yeah I know, you big girl, now get off me!” Sirius shoved James off gently and looked at Remus who, strangely, wore a face full of confusion and curiosity. “Remus?”

“Did… Did you just call each other Prongs and Padfoot? What are those, some random nicknames you decided to call yourselves? How on earth did you come up with those?” Remus felt a giggle try and fight its way out and bit his bottom lip to fight it back, not able to stop himself from smiling. He felt the laughter die in his throat, however, as he watched James, Peter, and Sirius exchange nervous, wide-eyed looks and scramble for an excuse.

“Well you see –”

“Actually, it’s a funny story…”

“Just a slip of the tongue really!”

Remus, confused as his three friends all spoke over one another in their haste to explain themselves, waved his hands about to try and get them all to shut up. “Guys! What is going on? Is everything okay? Are… Are _we_ okay?” Remus cursed himself for letting his insecurities get the better of him, but his friends were keeping secrets from him and hurt blossomed in his chest. Remus wasn’t the type of person to expect much from other people, he’d been raised to assume the worst ever since he had been turned at age four, but he hoped he’d never have to experience that feeling with his three best friends.

Sirius watched his friend begin to shut down, the walls they had worked so hard to break down slamming back up to protect Remus’ heart, and sent James and Peter a panicked look. Seeing a fierce urging in James’ eyes, Sirius resolved himself to tell Remus the truth. It had been his idea after all.

“Remus, wait, no. It’s not you at all, okay? We’re all fine; we still love you to bits… But you’re right, we have been keeping a secret from you.” Remus’ heart sunk, but confusion took over once more as Sirius began to whine. “Moony! You weren’t supposed to find out until Wednesday, it was your Christmas present!” Remus was taken aback. _They worked that hard to surprise me with something…?_ He scratched the back of his head and gave them a sheepish look.

“Oh! Erm… we could… we could give them to each other earlier? I-I’ve got yours all in my bag here, didn’t get a chance to wrap them up though, but at least then we could all give our gifts together like we planned? I'm sorry… I didn’t mean to ruin the surprise!” Sirius beamed at Remus, hands reaching out and grabbing like a toddler looking for sweets, but James nudged him, gesturing with his head towards Remus.

“Oh right, reckon I should spill the beans first then. Just… Just don’t get mad, okay? It’s not finished yet, probably won’t be for a little while, but it was my idea so… so if you’re going to be upset, be upset with me not James or Peter.” At Remus’ hesitant nod, which the other boy gave as he settled on the corner of Sirius’ bed, he continued.

“Remember when the three of us figured out you were a werewolf, last year? Well, you told us about how you have to go into the shack every moon to transform and how you always scratch and bite yourself because the wolf gets restless alone and trapped up there. I-I did some research and found something… that may help.” Sirius’ expression became more anxious the more he said, his eyes glancing frequently up to meet Remus’ which met his gaze steadily every time. The gentle warmth and safety in those honey-amber eyes distracted Sirius and he suddenly blurted out the rest.

“We’re trying to become animagi!”

Remus was stunned. “You’re what?!” Sirius grinned.

“Well you said you couldn’t be around humans… you never said anything about animals so I looked it up and all the books I could find on werewolves said they were only a danger to other humans. That’s where the nicknames came from. We figured you had Moony already so we should all have names. We’ve gotten far enough in the process to know what animals we’ll be, but haven’t managed the full transformation yet. I’m a dog so James came up with Padfoot and he’s a stag, the great lug, so we figured Prongs was good cause of, you know, the antlers and shit.”

Remus couldn’t believe what he was hearing, but in his stunned state he heard himself ask, “And Peter?” Sirius and James snickered lightly as Peter glared at them.

“Petey boy is a dear old rat so we’ve decided he’ll be called Wormtail!” Remus winced in sympathy for Peter before falling back to a stunned and overwhelmed shock. _How could they be so reckless? Don't they know how dangerous this is? Can’t they see that they should stay away from me at all costs?_ Remus’ mind was on overload, thoughts running haywire in his head.

_They did all this… for me?_

Remus dropped his head into his hands and the other three boys looked on in nervous concern as the curly haired boy’s shoulders began to shake. Sirius tentatively reached out a hand, placing it on Remus’ shoulder lightly. “Remus… I’m sorry, I should’ve said something sooner. This is all—” But Sirius didn’t finish as Remus suddenly let out a choked snort and laughter poured from the boy’s mouth. His head flew back with the force of the laughter and the boys could see that though tears welled in their friend’s eyes, they were bright with happiness and his face filled with joy.

“I’m sorry, I don’t mean to laugh. I don’t really know what to do with all of this. I can’t believe you would do something like for me; it’s the best gift I’ve ever been given. I can’t imagine it’s been easy, and I doubt it will be easy as you continue, but if anyone can pull this off, it’s you guys. _Thank you._ ” Remus wouldn’t ever say it out loud, but the three boys seemed to hear it loud and clear.

_Thank you for making sure I won’t always be so alone._

“Alright enough sappy talk, boys! Moony, can I have _my_ gift now? I’ve been ever so patient.” Sirius, _Padfoot_ Remus thought with a private grin, pouted playfully. Remus tapped a finger to his chin, teasingly pondering whether he should give them their presents, before reaching into his bag.

“It’s not much, I’m afraid, but I hope you like them anyway… First, Wormtail!” Remus heard Sirius give a little huff of annoyance as he handed Peter his present.

“Oh, cool! A Remembrall! Thanks, Moony, I’m always forgetting my books and stuff, this will be so helpful!” Remus nodded, digging through his bag for the next gift.

“Next, _Prongs._ ” James gave Sirius a gleeful smirk as the other boy whined dramatically, grumbling ‘ _Moony’_ under his breath in false annoyance. Remus handed the gift to James. “It’s a book about Quidditch plays and strategies. I thought it might be a good read, especially since I know you’ll end up Quidditch captain one day just as sure as I know your name is James Fleamont Potter!” James’ face lit up and he immediately started flicking through the pages.

“Wow, Moony, this is amazing! Thank you so much!” Remus reached his hand in for the final gift, pausing slightly as he grabbed it, suddenly feeling nervous.

“And of course, for _Padfoot._ ” Biting his lip nervously, Remus handed the gift over to Sirius, the one that had so fiercely caught his attention in the shop earlier that afternoon. Remus watched as Sirius carefully took the gift from him, holding it delicately in his hands as if it would break with even the slightest force.

“It’s…” Sirius seemed to be at a loss for words. Remus felt a flush rise on his cheeks. It wasn’t an extravagant gift, but Sirius looked at it like it was the most beautiful thing in the world. It was a hand-knitted scarf. One that was woven expertly to ensure it would stay toasty warm even in the harshest wind, but with a unique softness that Remus couldn’t quite describe. It hadn’t been the item itself or the way it was made that drew Remus to it, however, it was the color. The scarf would probably be considered gray, but not just a regular gray like the clouds in the sky or that of the stones building up Hogwarts castle. It was a resonant pearlescent gray that seemed to swirl with every shade of blue you could think of. It was the gray coating the ocean's surface beneath a stormy sky, the color of smoke's reflection over a pool of water.

It was a gray that was a near perfect match to Sirius’ eyes - _his_ Sirius' eyes, the ones meant only for him.

Remus watched with a burning warmth swelling in his chest as Sirius wound the scarf gently around his neck, tucking his pale nose into the fluffy yarn. When his face reappeared from the scarf’s confinement, a wide smile danced across his face and his eyes were sparkling like the first sun rays striking the ocean after a hurricane. Though he was conscious of Sirius hugging him and whispering a heartfelt thank you into his ear, Remus felt like he was watching the scene from afar, too distracted by what he’d just seen.

This was the moment, years in the future, that Remus Lupin would recall as the moment he fell in love with Sirius Black.

_I’m scared._

_I’ve never fallen from quite this high,_

_Falling into your ocean eyes._


	5. Cough Syrup

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Song Inspiration: Cough Syrup by Young the Giant

_Life’s too short to even care at all._

_I’m losing my mind, losing my mind, losing control._

A distant boom, frantic running footsteps, and a muffled argument disrupted the third year Defense Against the Dark Arts students as they worked through the final ten minutes of their end-of-year exams. Bewildered by the sudden change in atmosphere, several of the students began looking around in confusion, trying to figure out what was going on from behind the closed door of the classroom while others were desperately trying to ignore the noises as they scrambled to finish the final questions on their tests. Four of the heads in this classroom, however, seemed to be trying slightly too hard to ignore what was happening outside as their faces contorted with silent, furiously hidden laughter.

As the minutes ticked away and Professor Devons, this year’s attempt for the D.A.D.A. position, started making his way up the aisles of desks to collect exams, another boom was heard, this one seeming to be much closer to their current location than the last. A panicked yell sounded from outside the door as the running footsteps picked up again, heading away from them. It was at this moment that the four marauders could no longer hold back their laughter, the sharp peaks of it bursting the silence in the room into glass shards making the other students jump as though they’d been cut by the edges.

Professor Devons met each of their gazes with a raised eyebrow as the boys tried once more to settle their laughter, but seemed to think better of saying something about his suspicions for when he finally opened his mouth to speak all he said was, “Thank you, students. Have a wonderful summer holiday.” It was a clear dismissal and the marauders were surprised to have gotten away scot-free. The boys scurried to gather their books and quills as they exited the doors of the classroom behind their fellow students, not wanting to press their good fortune.

The third year students, curious about what had transpired during those final moments of their exams, poked their heads out of the door cautiously at first, taking careful steps into the hall in case something was awry. They had all heard the marauders laughing and assumed some type of crazy prank was in motion at that moment. The corridor seemed deserted and safe and, though they heard another distant boom from what seemed to be several halls away, there was a collective agreement that it was safe to move along.

As they began to relax into their usual clumps of friends and make their way down to lunch before packing to head home the next day, the grand finale of the marauders’ prank began. From all around the students gathered near the corridors leading towards the Great Hall the suits of armor speckling their path began to rattle oddly. As the students eyed their surroundings warily, sudden echoing clangs rang from each one as sparks began to sprout from inside the armor’s belly followed by massive bangs as fireworks rained down from the ceiling.

Some students had shrieked and hid themselves beneath their bookbags or even their friends’ cloaks to shelter from the cascades of colorful sparkles while others reveled in the excitement gazing around in delighted awe. The marauders shared proud smiles between them for pulling off their timer based charms work successfully. It wasn’t long, though, before they caught a glimpse of Filch high-stepping it down the corridor towards them, covered head to toe in soot and followed closely behind by a much calmer, though slightly annoyed, McGonagall. Working with the other teachers who had happened upon the chaotic scene at the entryway to the Great Hall, they quickly had the spells suppressed and cleaned up, sending the students on their way once more.

“Alright, the fun’s over. All of you continue on with your day, please.” James, Peter, Sirius, and Remus turned to casually follow orders, holding out hope that they actually managed not to get caught as the perpetrators, but they should’ve known better. It _was_ McGonagall they were dealing with after all.

“Oh no, not you four. You stay right here for a moment, please.” Wincing at her tone of voice, they made their feet grind to a halt and turned to face their stern Transfiguration professor with their most innocent and charming smiles plastered to their faces. She did not look amused. “Any chance you boys want to confess something about what happened here today?” Sirius’ face fell into a sort of struck look, a pout sliding in smoothly to help.

“Professor, you don’t really think we’d do something like this, do you? We were in our Defense exam all morning, how could we have done it?” Remus could barely hold back a snort of laughter, working hard to school his face into a similarly surprised expression to try and convince McGonagall of their innocence. She merely huffed at them.

“Well, unfortunately, as I’ve no proof it was truly you four and seeing that it’s the day before holidays begin, I will let it go for now. It was rather harmless after all. But remember, I’ll have my eye out for any further funny business.” Sirius gave her a salute and a nod before linking arms with James and Remus, spinning them around as he dragged them off in a march, Peter scrambling to grab James’ other arm and keep up.

The boys still could not suppress their giggles the following day as they left the shadowed alcove of the castle’s main doors to follow the gaggle of students towards the train home. In past years, the boys had always been a bit subdued and quiet this time of year. Going home for the summer meant no marauders, no friends, and, for Remus and Sirius in particular, being stuck in a place you weren’t particularly wanted. This year, however, was different.

As had become a tradition for the ragtag group of friends, ‘Marauder Week’ at Potter Manor was happening again this summer. This time, however, rather than heading home for the first weeks of summer and then traveling to the manor for a time, the boys would all be accompanying James home for the first two weeks of summer, or three weeks in Sirius’ case as his family was vacationing in Spain and wouldn’t be home until then.

Their train ride back to King’s Cross was full of their usual antics: James’ terrible puns, Sirius’ relentless flirting (which he’d been ‘practicing’ ever since he figured out girls were starting to look at him more), Peter’s bottomless stomach, and Remus’ sassy retorts to all of the above. It was the best trip home they’d had.

Once the train approached the station, the boys gathered around Mr. and Mrs. Potter, who were awaiting them on the platform ready to side-apparate with two boys each back to the manor. Unable to help himself, Sirius glanced around until he spotted the dark curled hair atop a straight back that was the unmistakable silhouette of his brother. A large, veined hand gripped the back of Regulus Black’s neck – his father, leading the favored son swiftly through the crowds with his mother following stiffly behind them. He shook his head, internally hoping his brother would be okay without him for the next few weeks, before he forced himself to forget all that and just enjoy his time with his friends and the Potters.

Despite the fact that having all four marauders in one place at the same time was a surefire recipe for disaster, Dorea and Fleamont Potter never seemed to mind having the boys in their home whenever the boys asked. It was a fact that both Remus and Sirius appreciated deeply, yet had a hard time accepting. Being in a loving and warm environment with adult figures that genuinely cared for their wellbeing was something they were not used to, but desperately needed whether they wanted to accept that or not.

Those first two weeks of summer were blissful, filled with dirt stained days of exploration and sunburnt nights under the stars. Both James and Sirius hit a growth spurt and sprouted up like weeds, beginning to reach the point of completely towering over Peter and Remus. James, especially, seemed to really be taking the long and lanky body type to heart while Sirius’ ever perfect genes provided him with the perfect balance of height, lean muscle, and the beginnings of a chiseled jaw. Basically, both boys, who already had no trouble getting female attention, were getting more handsome by the day and, in regards to Sirius specifically, it was not making life any easier on poor Remus Lupin.

Sadly, every adventure has to come to a close at some point and while Sirius would be remaining with the Potters for another week, the day had come when Remus and Peter were set to head home. Peter left first, his mother having come to side-apparate him home after having a cup of tea with Mrs. Potter. Then it was Remus’ turn, the boy standing at the ready by the fireplace to floo back to Lupin Cottage, his body tense with nerves that he hoped were not obvious to the others (they were). With a final hug goodbye to his friends and another thank you to the Potters for their hospitality, Remus took a deep breath, grabbed a handful of silky powder, and tossed it into the fire.

“Lupin Cottage!”

_These fishes in the sea they’re starting at me._

_A wet world aches for a beat of a drum._

Sirius Black was bored and dealing with Sirius being bored is never a good position to be in. He was currently lounging upside down on James’ bed, shoulder-length black hair dangling over the side as he stared at his friend sprawled on an armchair across the room from him, his Quidditch magazine forgotten across his belly. James was also reading a Quidditch magazine, a featurette of Puddlemere United, and happened to be very into it, though it was tough with the constant, purposeful sighs echoing in the room every ten seconds. It wasn’t long before James reached his breaking point.

“What, Pads?” James grumbled irritably not looking up from the paragraph he was on. Sirius flung himself up, sitting cross legged on the bed and resting his head gloomily on his hand. He let out another dramatic sigh. James’ eye twitched.

“I’m bored, Prongs! Let’s go do something.” James merely shook his head and continued reading, willing his friend to go find a source of entertainment elsewhere. He’d been waiting for months to read this magazine and finally had his hands on a copy to do so. “Oi, you tosser, you could at least look at me.” To accentuate his point, Sirius grasped one of the fluffy pillows from James’ bed, flinging it at the other boy’s head with the accuracy of a first class chaser and successfully knocking James’ glasses off his face. It also made James finally look up at Sirius which was the whole point in the first place.

“Seriously, Sirius?” Sirius couldn’t stop a snicker at the irony of that statement and James groaned as he tried to hide his laughter at his own terrible joke. “God that was bad. Alright, Padfoot, I give. I guess I can read this later. What do you suggest we do?” Sirius’ face brightened and he leapt to his feet excitedly, a mischievous grin inching onto his lips. James raised an eyebrow, that particular smile always meant trouble.

“I want to go to the muggle shops, like we did last year, remember? I’m going home tomorrow and I’ve been itching to get my hands on some muggle stuff that would give my mother a heart attack.” James rolled his eyes.

“You’re going to be in so much trouble.” Sirius gave him a puppy dog stare, something that was known to work on James without fail, and James sighed, shaking his head. “Fine, let’s go then.” Sirius pumped a triumphant fist into the air and immediately ran to slip on his black lace-up boots.

It wasn’t a long walk to the muggle area near Potter Manor. While the Potters lived in a small neighborhood of mostly magical families, it was only just outside a muggle city which is where James and Sirius found themselves after about a twenty minute walk. Sirius, ever enchanted by muggle things, could not stop himself from whipping his head around to look at every little thing they passed. James, who often came to this area as a child, was used to it and couldn’t help but smirk at his friend’s almost childlike intrigue.

“You know, you’ll catch flies if you don’t close your mouth, Sirius.” Sirius snapped his jaw shut immediately, glaring at his friend. James chuckled. “Why are you so fascinated anyway? It’s not like this is your first time here.” Sirius shrugged.

“I don’t know. It’s just different, you know? I wasn’t even allowed to think about muggles let alone find myself roaming among them and shopping in their stores growing up. It’s a bit thrilling to be going against my parents’ wishes like this. Plus, they have cool shit!” He said this last bit with a cocky grin on his face before dragging James into a small thrift shop nestled off to their right.

The shop wasn’t very large and was unassuming from the outside. As they stepped through the doorway, they were met with the scent of burning incense and an eclectic collection of items from records to vintage clothing to books with that worn look that tells you they were well loved by their previous owners. Immediately, Sirius felt comfort and found himself wanting nothing more than to continue exploring every crevice of the shop, finding all the hidden gems it had to offer in its belly. Over slightly crackling speakers above their heads, music played in an upbeat, rockabilly tune that had Sirius bopping his head unconsciously and eventually asking the shop keeper who was singing.

“Oh, this is Bowie’s new single.” At Sirius’ confused look, the man continued. “Uh, you know, David Bowie? Kind of a legend ‘round here, mate. Where you been livin’, under a rock?” Sirius gave a strained laugh.

“Yeah, you could say that. I like this though; bloke’s got a good voice. Do you have any suggestions that are similar?” The man nodded, going through a range of artists from The Rolling Stones to The Beatles to Elton John. All the names were unfamiliar to Sirius, but he clutched the paper the man gave him with the names written on it like a lifeline, insisting to James that one day he’d get a record player and check out all of the muggle music he could find.

“You know, they probably aren’t all muggles. I bet you some of them are wizards in disguise. Anyway, why wait? You can’t tell me you don’t have the money to buy one of those players over in the corner there.” James nodded towards the far corner of the shop where several gleaming record players sat for sale, but frowned when Sirius shook his head, a resigned sadness on his face.

“I wouldn’t want to risk it. My mum sees something like that? She’d break it for sure. I’ll just have to enjoy it from afar and get one when I’m of age and can leave that hovel she calls a home.” Sirius gave the record players one last longing look before turning away and heading towards the portion of the store that held clothing. James gave the record players a long look, storing the information in the back of his mind for later, before following his friend.

It didn’t escape their notice that as they shopped around several girls in the shop were giving them furtive glances and whispering among themselves, probably thinking they were being subtle. Sirius had already caught some of their stares, sending flirtatious winks back which led to puddles of blushing, giggling girls throughout the store. James watched in awed fascination as his friend sent another heated grin at a passing girl, catching her attention with seemingly little effort on his part.

“How the heck do you do that?” James couldn’t keep the envious tinge out of his voice, huffing irritably at Sirius’ responding laughter.

“Aw, Prongs, want me to teach you how to pick up birds?” James rolled his eyes, knocking Sirius’ shoulder in annoyance. “Nah of course you don’t, you’ve already got your love life figured out with a certain little redhead, don't you.” James quickly raised his head, looking towards the ceiling, to hide the fierce blush that painted his cheeks.

“Knock it off, Padfoot.” Suddenly, James looked down again, giving his best friend an odd look. “Hey, wait a second, do… do you have your mark yet? I can’t believe it’s never come up before.” Sirius hesitated before giving a small nod. James’ eyes widened, but Sirius slapped a hand over the boy’s mouth before he could speak.

“I don’t know who it is, before you ask, so I don’t want to talk about it.” James frowned at the hint of anger he could hear in Sirius’ voice. Sirius, catching James’ look, sighed. “I got it the same day you did, okay? I met them on the train or our first day at school, but I couldn’t figure out who it was and it bothers me that I don’t know, okay?” James gave him a sympathetic look, throwing a comforting arm around the boy’s shoulders.

“Hey, it’s okay. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to bring up negative feelings about it. Do you want to show me? Maybe I could… help figure it out or whatever?” Sirius gave James a long look, several emotions flickering through his eyes that James couldn’t quite place, before slowly reaching up and pulling down the left shoulder of his tee and revealing the intricately patterned moon inked onto his chest.

It was fortunate for James that the moment Sirius pulled his shirt to the side, he looked down at the ground because otherwise he would’ve caught the wide-eyed surprise flickering across James’ face before he could steel his features back to mere curiosity. James had an immediate suspicion about who Sirius’ soul mate was, but he didn’t want to say anything. If the match was who he thought, it would not only be a potentially risky detail to share, but there was always that slim chance that the marks were not a requited match. James did not want to be responsible for causing potential pain to his friends. No, he would remain silent for now and store that information in his mind for later on.

“Sorry, mate, I really thought I might be able to help, but I’ve got nothing.” Sirius gave him a solemn nod and James, determined to cheer his friend up again, said, “But hey, we’ll keep a look out for clues next year, okay? I’ll help you figure this out. I’ve got your back, Pads.” Sirius finally gave his friend a reluctant smile and made himself perk up so they could enjoy the rest of their day together before Sirius had to suffer the rest of the summer at Grimmauld Place.

It was as if fate were looking down on Sirius Black that afternoon in the muggle shop, waiting for the perfect opportunity to give him a reason to smile. As Sirius finally broke his gaze from James, warmed by his friend’s heartfelt promise, his eyes locked onto the most wonderful thing he’d ever seen in his life. There in front of him, in a shabby little shop, sat the most perfect jacket he’d ever seen: soft black leather, polished silver studs, and, on the back, a black embroidered lion roaring ferociously. Sirius felt like he was watching his own reactions from a distance, seeing each sparkle in his eyes and hearing the excited gasp leave his mouth as he discovered the jacket that could only be meant for him.

Sirius had never been so quick to make a purchase in his life.

_Life’s too short to even care at all._

_I’m coming up now, coming up now, out of the blue._

Bright sunlight filtered in through the dirt stained window above Remus’ head, waking him from his ache-riddled sleep. As he blinked his eyes open, brushing away the remnants of the dreamless hours, he let his mind walk through each section of his body, cataloging new cuts and bruises to determine how rough this month’s transformation had been. He groaned as he noted the stinging cut stretching across his nose; he hated when the wolf got to his face.

Overall, it wasn’t the worst, but it was definitely not great.

He’d been back home almost a week now and could not help but miss the comfort of Potter Manor in the deepest hollows of his bones. Though his father hadn’t been too bad so far, Remus knew it would only take one small mishap on his part to trigger that sparking anger in the eldest Lupin. A peek out the window told him he’d already been sleeping for a decent portion of the day; he needed to return to the house soon. His father liked to see him after his transformations to ensure he didn’t escape during the night and would become more cross the longer he was made to wait.

Carefully pushing himself into a sitting position, ignoring the pulling sting of cuts that were only just healed – the kind that threatened to split open with any slight movement. Reaching into the drawer of the table beside the door, Remus shifted some vials around until he found his stock of pain relief and pepper-up potions. The first would at least dull the aching while the second would give him enough energy to walk the distance back to the cottage and check in with his father before he could collapse onto his bed.

Back when he had first been bitten all those years ago, Lyall Lupin constructed a highly secure shed type building within the dense wooded land stretching behind Lupin Cottage. Any other child would’ve loved running through the trees and discovering hidden faerie rings in the grand forest, but for Remus, these woods meant nothing but pain and suffering. Though his transformation shed wasn’t particularly far from the house, the walk back felt like trekking barefoot through a scorching desert lined in shards of glass – agonizing and filled with countless pleas for relief of any kind.

Fortunately for Remus, relief came in the form of finally reaching the back door of the cottage where he was able to push his way inside and collapse onto one of the kitchen stools. Distracted by his sudden ravenous hunger, something that was hit or miss after each moon, Remus didn’t notice the state of the house around him until he was halfway through a large slice of the bread that had been resting on the counter.

When he noticed it, he had to force himself to swallow carefully around the large chunk of bread that he nearly choked on in his surprise. Each room before him was utterly destroyed: papers littered the floor, books had been torn from the shelves in the far corner and launched across the room in scattered piles, and even some of the furniture had been tossed aside from its normal place.

“Da…?” Remus called out hesitantly, stepping through the messy living room with a careful ear listening for any sign of his father in the rooms beyond. As he scoured each room on the bottom floor of the cottage, he finally found his father in his office which happened to be the most destroyed room of the lot. Stepping through the door, Remus felt his breath hitch at the sight of his father. It shouldn’t have been much of a surprise, but he couldn’t help himself from fostering the tiniest bit of hope that someday his father would pull his way out of the all-consuming grief.

On the floor near the center of the room, Remus’ father sat slumped over an open black box that looked damaged as if it had been thrown against the ground multiple times in an attempt to get it open. He watched his father’s shaking hands as they flipped through paper after paper held between his grimy fingers – photographs of his mother, Remus noted upon further observation with a pained pang in his chest. Not daring to speak, Remus continued to slowly make his way into the room, peering at the damage more closely, hoping nothing irreplaceable had been ruined in what was clearly one of his father’s drunken surges of wrath.

It was when his gaze caught upon a yellowing, unopened envelope a few inches in front of his father’s foot that everything changed.

He could see his own name written across the front of the envelope in an elegant, curling handwriting that could only belong to one person. Remus couldn’t breathe as his pace picked up and he snatched the letter from the floor, bringing it closer to his face with trembling fingers. Not paying attention to anything the letter, Remus did not realize his father had gotten to his feet until he was already slammed up against the wall with a muscled arm pinning his chest that knocked the wind from his lungs.

“Get your disgusting paws off that, boy. Give it here.” Remus shook his head, fighting to get air back into his lungs.

“No way,” he gasped sharply. “It’s addressed to me. M-Mam left it for me, didn’t she? Why did you hide it from me?!” His father pushed harder, moving his arm nearer to Remus’ throat, almost completely cutting off the young boy’s airway. 

“You think I would let you touch something of hers? She _left me_ because of _you._ Your filthy kind don’t deserve any kind of love let alone interest from someone as perfect as her. She wrote that for our son… but he died a long time ago _. I have no son anymore._ ” Lyall made a grab for the letter and it was that motion which gave Remus the surge of adrenaline he needed to get out of the suffocating hold. He gave in to the power of the wolf inside him for just a moment, but it was enough. He grabbed his father by the collar of his shirt, throwing him aside and making a furious sprint for the door back out to the garden and woods beyond.

Remus ran.

He ran and ran and did not look back until his legs collapsed beneath him and he could run no more. 

_These zombies in the park they’re looking for my heart._

_A dark world aches for a splash of the sun._

Gasping for breath, Remus ignored the throbbing pain in his knees from their collision with the dirt packed forest floor and slowly reached a hand out to thumb at the wax seal pressed onto the letter. Though his thoughts raced with eagerness to read the contents, Remus hesitated. He could not remember the last words he had spoken to his mother nor the last she spoke to him. Even his memories of her face were beginning to fade and he could only wonder, as he had every night since that day, why she had left him behind. This may be the answer he’d been looking for, but he wasn’t sure he wanted to know it quite yet. 

Resolving himself to take the risk, Remus glanced around, paranoid by the uncharacteristic silence of the woods around him, and ensured his father was nowhere in sight before he finally allowed himself to tear through the sealed flap, unfolding the curling pages within carefully.

“My darling Remus, 

I’m sorry, my love. I wish with every fiber of my being that I did not have to

leave you tonight, but I fear I have little choice. Even if I do not leave 

now, I will not be with you for much longer. I know I should have told you the truth,

should have explained what was happening, but you’ve been through 

so much, Remus. You’re my strong boy and I couldn’t be prouder of that, 

but I didn’t want to put one more burden on your shoulders. 

You carry enough as it is. The truth is I’m very ill, I’m afraid. It’s not something

that can be cured, even with the wonders of magical medicine, and soon 

enough it will take me away from this world for good. 

I needed to leave you both before it got too much to bear myself. All 

I hope for in my last days is that you and your father remember me 

as my vibrant, eccentric self – joyful and passionate. My memory will live on inside you. 

You are my son, my pride and joy, and my very soul knows that you will always stay the happy, loving boy I raised. I know it will be hard for you to understand why I must leave you, but I trust that your father will continue to guide you through life and raise you into the incredible man I know is just waiting to surface from within you. 

Please don't ever forget how much I love and cherish you, my son.

Even when the last breath finally leaves my chest, I will always remain here with

you. Find me in the babbling brooks, in the twinkling rays of morning 

sunlight, and most especially within those brilliant hazel eyes you see 

every morning in the mirror. 

I will always be with you, my love. No matter where we may be physically.

I love you very much, Remus. 

Love, 

Mam

__

Remus stared numbly as the pages of the letter fell with a soft swish to the ground below. He knew he should feel something, rage or grief or pain, but all he felt was shock.

_She didn’t leave because of me or what I am._

_She didn’t leave me with him knowing how he would change, how he would treat me._

_She didn’t stop loving me._

_She still wants me as her son, even in death._

Remus started to feel a trickle of emotion begin to edge its way through the numbness and suddenly launched to his feet. This wasn’t what his mother wanted for him. She wanted him to be loved, safe. He had to accept that his father was too far gone to see reason any longer. His father had known the truth all these years and allowed Remus to shoulder all the blame, to accept the burden of hatred and scorn from someone who was supposed to love him unconditionally. This letter was the push Remus needed to be selfish for once in his life and get himself out of the environment that was preventing him from becoming who his mother dreamt he would be.

With no hesitation remaining in his entire being, Remus raced back to Lupin Cottage and up the stairs to his room. Gathering all his necessities, Remus quickly packed them all away and, not sparing even a passing glance into the office where his father still lay slumped on the floor, he flooed to the only safe place he knew.

“Potter Manor!”

_If I could find a way to see this straight I’d run away_

_To some fortune that I should have found by now._

Sirius was practically skipping down the side of the road beside James, who was trying to muffle his laughter and, to anyone passing by, clearly failing. Sirius wasn’t bothered though, he was proudly wearing his most recent purchase, reveling in how cool he felt with it on.

“If all muggle fashion were like this, I’d never buy wizard robes again!” James shook his head, finally letting out a loud laugh as Sirius ran his hands across the leather sleeves for the hundredth time.

“Careful there, Padfoot. You should take that jacket out for a drink first, it might get the wrong idea.” Sirius glared at James, giving his friend a rather rough punch to the shoulder in retaliation which in turn triggered a mini-wrestle on the sidewalk with several passing muggles staring in confusion as they edged their way past the boys.

Suddenly, Sirius broke away from the scuffle clutching his chest with a clenched hand, face screwed up in pain and surprise. James felt the grin wash off his face and stepped towards his friend in concern.

“Sirius, what’s wrong?” Sirius shook his head, breathing harshly as he tried to cope with the strange aching he felt in his chest. It wasn’t sharp or even particularly painful, per say, just more of a deep aching that gripped his chest in its icy claws. It didn’t last long, fading to a duller throb and then completely dissipating within a minute or two, but it was enough to sober Sirius.

“I’m alright, but something feels wrong. Let’s hurry back, okay?” James didn’t argue, merely nodded and set off for the manor once more, setting a quicker pace than usual until the polished black gates and gleaming oak doors of the Potter’s home came into view. Sirius found himself running all of a sudden, swinging the gate wide and bursting through the doors without so much as a glance back at James who shouted in surprise as his friend vanished from his side.

The sight he was met with beyond the Potter’s foyer took Sirius’ breath away.

_And so I run now to the things they said could restore me,_

_Restore life the way it should be._

_I’m waiting for this cough syrup to come down._

When Dorea Potter heard a slamming crash sound from within her parlor, she was on her feet with wand in hand quicker than lightning, slinking down the hall until she could carefully peer beyond the door. She certainly wasn’t expecting to see Remus Lupin, dusted head to toe in soot, sobbing brokenly into his hands as he perched on collapsed knees. She wasted no time approaching him, scooping the boy into her embrace as he flinched from the contact and looked up with reddened, tear-filled eyes.

“Oh my darling, what happened?” The flood of tears came rushing out once more and Remus buried his face in her shoulder. It was as if he was no longer in control of his own voice as everything came spilling out in a wave of frustration and pain. Dorea listened with horror and understanding dawning on her face with each new detail Remus provided.

She did not bat an eye when Remus told him of his father’s cruelty – she already had several suspicions of this before and felt anger harden in her heart at the confirmation of her fears. She held back the wince of sorrow in her heart as he spoke of finding his mother’s letter and learning the truth behind what happened that night all those years ago.

Dorea Potter did not flinch when Remus Lupin told her he was a werewolf.

It was common knowledge that Dorea Potter was born into the Black family and eventually scorned, though not entirely shut out, for marrying into the Potter family. It had not been the marriage her family expected from her, but the fact that Fleamont was at least pureblood made it minimally acceptable.

What people tended to forget was that the Blacks were not afraid to walk into raging fire for their loved ones. The notion may have become corrupted in many of the current generation of Blacks, but it was an insatiable loyalty built into their blood. This was why it should not have been a surprise when Mrs. Potter took Remus’ face into her hands and gave him a loving smile despite knowing his deepest secret, knowing information that would turn most of the wizarding world away.

“You are so brave, Remus. I’m so very sorry you’ve had such terrible burdens and trauma in your young life, but we’re going to make it okay now. We’re going to take care of you. Fleamont and I, and your dear friends of course, we’re your family and you’ll always be safe here.” Remus, hardly daring to believe the words he was hearing, stared back at the warm brown eyes gazing at him. No matter how hard he peered into them, he could find no sign of fear or anger or lies.

With the burdens of the world off his young shoulders, Remus Lupin finally succumbed to the sleep that had been pressing at the back of his mind with greater urgency every passing minute, eyes shutting softly with a final tear rolling down his cheek.

When Sirius burst into the Potter’s parlor ten minutes later, he felt shock ripple through him at the sight of a battered, but sleeping, Remus on the couch with his head in Mrs. Potter’s lap. The woman in question was calmly (though Sirius noticed the rigid tension in her shoulders) penning, sending, and receiving several fire messages in rapid succession. Off to the side, Mr. Potter sat by the fireplace chatting softly, but firmly, to someone within the coals.

At that moment, Sirius didn’t particularly care what was really going on. All that mattered was that Remus had sought refuge with the Potters after only being home a few days and, though he was sleeping, Sirius could see the dried tear stains and puffiness of sorrow on his friend’s cheeks. He spared a passing glance at the raw clawed scratch now marring his friend’s nose and frowned, wondering absent-mindedly if the previous moon had been a rough one. Every other thought was overpowered, however, by feeling the fierce heat of protectiveness rise in his chest. Sirius padded forward until he could drop to the floor beside the couch and run a gentle hand through Remus’ tawny curls, his palm resting softly on the boy’s cheekbone.

If Mrs. Potter happened to notice a familiar spark in Sirius’ eyes as he comforted the sleeping Remus, she merely kept it to herself with a soft smile pulling on her lips.

_One more spoon of cough syrup now._


	6. My Oh My

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Song Inspiration: My Oh My by Camila Cabello (feat. DaBaby)

_A little bit older, a black leather jacket,_

_A bad reputation, insatiable habits._

Realistically speaking, it had been quite some time since life was this good for Remus Lupin. It really should come as no surprise to anyone that living in a loving home, not spending every waking hour of the day anticipating an attack, and having access to home cooked meals would leave someone, especially a teenage boy, in much better health. However, hard as the Potters tried, the remainder of that fated summer was not always wonderful.

Remus struggled over those weeks with not only accepting the Potter family’s help and generosity, but also with his own actions, the very ones that landed him his own bedroom in Potter Manor. Logically, Remus knew he’d made the right decision for himself to get out of that house for good. Logically, he knew the Potters were fond of him and, as the overwhelmingly kind people they are generally, truly wanted him to live with them, be part of the family.

But sometimes logic isn’t enough.

It didn’t help that Sirius had stopped answering letters about a week and a half after the morning he left the manor to return home for the summer. While their first letters were answered promptly with sarcastic griping about Black family parties and concerned prodding about Remus, their following notes were returned unread and without reply.

Through the weeks, James and Remus found themselves bonding more than ever before. While a lot of their time was spent getting into mischief as usual, they often found themselves talking the hours away about nothing and everything all at once. It was a peaceful existence, living with the Potters, and it was this newly deepened bond with James that finally allowed Remus to relax and let go of his worries and pride.

_Rain pounded against the fogged glass window of Remus’ gifted bedroom. He and James were lounging across the plush king-sized bed, the latter attempting to chase away the boredom of a rainy summer day while Remus mainly focused on anything but his aching joints readying themselves for the full moon the following day. Remus himself was pressed up against the head of the bedframe, his toasty navy comforter wrapped snugly around his shoulders and hips to fight the damp chill which always managed to seep through the cracks of any building. James was laying on his back, feet by Remus’ hip, one knee bent casually as he lightly tossed a quaffle into the air in a rhythmic pattern that was slowly but surely lulling Remus to sleep._

_Remus’ tired brain apparently failed to notice the determined set of James’ mouth._

_“Moony…” James sat up slowly, the quaffle rolling onto the mattress beside him forgotten, and locked eyes with Remus whose skin was suddenly pricking with apprehension. “Tell me something, why is your trunk still packed?” Remus was taken aback, not expecting that question._

_“Erm, well I suppose I just haven’t gotten around to it,” he replied as nonchalantly as he could manage, fighting the bitter taste of bile that stung his throat at the lie. James’ frown deepened and the crease between his eyebrows become more prominent._

_“Come on, mate. I’m a bit reckless and foolhardy, but I’m not stupid. You think I haven’t noticed how nervous you get when mum and dad ask you about what food you like best or if you want another serving of dinner? You think I haven’t noticed that you still tell mum that you don’t need anything when your inkwell ran dry a week ago and the one pair of shoes you were able to bring with you have holes all through them? Hell, Remus, you still address them formally even after they’ve told you a hundred times to call them Dorea and Monty or even mum and dad if you wanted. Now tell me the truth, why haven’t you unpacked your trunk?”_

_Remus gulped anxiously at the fierce, but concerned, heat in James’ eyes as he waited for a response. His throat felt pinched tight, his swallow scraping through like he was choking on a large stone. He dropped his gaze from James’ as a flush flooded his face and his voice spoke in a strangled whisper._

_“Because I can’t let myself think this is more than just a temporary situation…”_

_He flinched as he felt rough, warm palms grip his cheeks and wrench his face up to meet James’ eyes again. He braced himself for the yelling, the anger, but instead he found himself looking into eyes filled with joy and relief as a smile bloomed on James’ face._

_“There we go. You don’t have to lie to me, Moony. No matter what the truth may be, I’ll always want that over a lie. Now you listen to me. If you think any of us Potters would let you walk back into that home without your full consent, if you think we’d ever turn you away from our home when you need us, you’ve got another thing coming. You’re family, Remus. You were from the moment we became friends back in first year and we take care of our family.”_

_Tears welled in Remus’ eyes and he bit back a sob as James fully embraced him in a hug and whispered once more through his own teary breaths._

_“We’re brothers and nobody gets to take that away from us.”_

That had been nearly two months ago and Remus could never repay James for giving him that moment. The following weeks had gone much smoother with Remus tentatively starting to ask for replacements things like ink and parchment and even going as far as to quietly refer to Dorea as mum, much to the woman’s delight.

Now the summer was over and Mr. and Mrs. Potter had just apparated back home after saying their goodbyes to the boys as they took the steps onto the rumbling train a few minutes before its scheduled departure. They made their way down the narrow corridor to their usual compartment, Remus poking sneakily at the cowlick jutting out from the back of James’ head and swiftly dodging the irritated hand trying to slap his own away.

Remus breathed a sigh of relief he didn’t know he’d been holding when James finally slid the compartment door open and disappeared from sight.

“Padfoot!”

They hadn’t heard from Sirius in two and a half months, but knowing his friend was here and safe meant all the difference in the world. He rounded the corner to find Sirius pinned to the floor of the compartment, with James sprawled on top of him ruffling his shaggy hair affectionately, as Peter shook his head at them, a thread of a licorice wand poking from his mouth.

“It’s good to see you too, Prongs, but do you think you could get off me? You’re kind of crushing my lungs and I rather like breathing.” James leapt to his feet, dragging Sirius with him by the hand, and started poking the other boy in the chest in annoyance.

“Where the hell have you been? Moony and I spent half the summer worried about you. Why didn’t you answer our letters?” A guilty look passed over Sirius’ face, but he quickly hid it behind a cocky smirk as he lounged back against the compartment wall.

Remus nearly choked at the sight.

Raking his eyes over every inch of his friend, Remus noticed that not only had Sirius grown several inches, but his body had become toned with a perfect layer of muscle and his jawline and cheekbones only seemed to grow more defined. His hair was perfectly styled in a small half-bun resting softly on his head with the rest of his wavy black hair cascading down to his shoulders in a seamless stream.

But that wasn’t what _really_ took Remus’ breath away (though it certainly didn’t help).

That honor, belonged to the article of clothing currently stretching flawlessly across the boy’s broad shoulders. Remus never thought he’d be one for leather, but he’d probably be okay with anything if Sirius was wearing it. The black leather jacket suited his friend so perfectly that Remus didn’t think he’d ever be able to picture the boy without it again – a problem which may prove to be unfortunate if the sudden heat in his belly had anything to say about it.

Remus quickly glanced away, not daring to look at his friend any longer and _definitely_ making sure to avoid seeing those eyes. He always came undone when he saw those eyes.

“Yeah… um, I’m sorry about that. It wasn’t my choice, obviously, but I didn’t mean to make you worry.” Remus’ head shot up when he heard Sirius speak, the subdued tone highly uncharacteristic for his friend. He stepped forward immediately, brushing past James and ducking his head until Sirius’ eyes met his. He suppressed a flinch at the nervous glint hidden within those mysterious gray eyes he loved so much.

“Sirius… what’s wrong? Talk to me, please.” Remus grabbed Sirius’ hand, pulling the boy down to sit on the bench beside him, squeezing it reassuringly as his friend gulped and nodded once.

“Right, then. Well, it seems mother dearest has decided you boys are a… bad influence on me. She demanded I ‘no longer associate with you’ or whatever. She made me show her all the letters I’d written before I could send them and if they were addressed to anyone she didn’t approve of, she burned them. Considering the only ones I bother writing to are you three, you can probably figure out where all my reply letters are.”

James suddenly stood and viciously kicked at the portion of wall beneath the compartment window in frustration.

“That’s insane! We’ve been hanging around with you for four years; what on earth made her suddenly change her mind?” Sirius cringed.

“That’s my own fault, I suppose. She… She didn’t like that I came home with a bunch of muggle stuff, said I shouldn’t be tainting her pure house with that ‘filth’ and all that rubbish. Said I wouldn’t have been exposed to it if I weren’t hanging around with you. Don’t worry though!” Sirius quickly added as he took in the glares on the faces of this three friends. “I’m not listening to a word she says. You lot are my best mates and I wouldn’t give you up for anything. It just means… well, I won’t be able to come visit in the summers or on holidays or anything anymore, I’m afraid.” Remus sent James a warning glare as the other boy opened his mouth to shout something else, effectively shutting him up before he could make the situation worse.

“We’re just glad you’re safe, Sirius. I’m sorry your mum is being difficult, but you’re right, at least we’ll be together during school terms. We’ll just make sure all our adventures during school are enough to keep you through the weeks we can’t be together, okay? We wouldn’t give you up for anything either. You’re… You’re our…” Remus struggled to find a word that could truly capture what Sirius meant to them, to him.

“Our Padfoot. You’re our Padfoot.”

_He was onto me, one look and I couldn’t breathe._

_I said, “If you kiss me, I might let it happen.”_

The first weeks of their fourth year at Hogwarts flew by in a blur of classes, studying, Animagus training (or helping with the training on Remus’ part), and, for James and Sirius, Quidditch practice. The boys found themselves often buried under so much work and crowded timetables that they were unable to pull any of their usual pranks or even spend nights together in their dorm munching on snacks from the kitchens while they debated over anything from whose Divination predictions were the most crazy (usually Sirius’ as his flair for the dramatic tended to bleed into these assignments rather well) to whose socks were the smelliest (most definitely James who often forgot to put his laundry in the school hampers after Quidditch practice).

However, there was finally a night, around mid-October, when James declared that everyone must drop everything as it was Marauders night and no excuses were allowed. He marched them all up to the dorm, forcing them to leave behind any assignments and books, and began rearranging the dorm into their normal set up (blankets and pillows all on the floor in a big cushy pile).

“Sirius! Here,” James said as he tossed his silky invisibility cloak over to the other boy, snickering lightly as it smacked him in the face. “I need you to go raid the kitchens, okay? Bring back whatever snacks you can. We’ll call it: Operation Snack Attack.” Sirius just raised an eyebrow at James.

“Really, Prongs? Why do I have to do it, make Wormy go.” James cut off Peter’s protesting ‘Hey!’ with a quick, but loud reply. 

“Nope! Wormtail went last time and Moony’s off the hook cause it was the moon a couple nights ago so tag you’re it, Padfoot.” Sirius grumbled under his breath, but proceeded out the dorm door, cloak swishing over his shoulders. The room was still and silent for a moment as James stared at the door intently, and Peter and Remus stared at James in confusion, before suddenly, like a whirlwind, James spun on his heel and turned to face the other two boys in the room.

“Alright, now for the _real_ plan for tonight. We need to talk about Sirius’ birthday.” Remus shook his head, laughing softly at James’ overzealous antics to get Sirius out of the room just for this conversation.

“Okay, Prongs, what did you have in mind?” James proceeded to explain his big elaborate plan to surprise Sirius with a party in Gryffindor tower for his fifteenth birthday, complete with snacks, friends, and music.

“But, James, we don’t have anything to play music with. The only ones I know of with a radio are the Prewett twins, but I’m ninety-nine percent sure they dismantled it for parts. How exactly do you plan to get around that one?” Surprisingly to Remus, James did not look discouraged. In fact, he looked even more elated than before.

“Leave that to me. Trust me, I have it all planned out perfectly. Now, Sirius will be coming back soon. When he does, we’re going to act like we never had this conversation and we’ll just say we came up with a prank or something to make it less suspicious, okay? Ready, break!”

The door slammed open and Sirius stood there, arms loaded down with sweets and butterbeer from the kitchens.

“Oi, you lot, come help me before I drop something.”

The rest of that evening was spent doing what they always do, something all four of them had sorely missed over the past weeks. They actually did come up with a prank and vowed to start pulling the strings together the following day.

However, when the next day came and Remus was nowhere to be seen after classes ended for the day, the other three Marauders decided to split up and search for him with a plan to meet back at the Great Hall in an hour. Sirius, having a pretty solid hunch of where his wolfy friend scurried off too, strode in the direction of the library immediately.

Remus was indeed in the library, sat cross legged on one of the rickety old chairs with several books and sheets of parchment laid out on the table in front of him. Across from him sat Lily, eyebrows furrowed and quill dangerously close to leaving a line of ink upon her chin as she willed her Defense essay to give her something to work with.

“Remus, it’s no use. I don’t even know where to begin!” Remus looked up with a soft smile and reached out a hand, silently asking for her to hand over what she had written so far. As he skimmed the tiny, delicate writing on the page, he ignored the shadow that suddenly loomed over his shoulder, blocking the light from the lanterns lining the wall. When the shadow didn’t move, even after he reached the end of what Lily had written, Remus let out a sigh.

“Hello, Sirius.” He felt a finger poke his cheek and finally looked up from the paper, meeting Sirius’ pouting face and puppy dog eyes. “Don’t give me that look, Padfoot. It’s not my fault you three wouldn’t let me get a word out last night to tell you I already had plans today.”

“But, Moony, we need your help!” Remus rolled his eyes and gently pushed Sirius face, which had moved quite close to his as Sirius attempted to persuade Remus to leave the library, away, swallowing past the sudden lump in his throat.

“So does Lily. I’m sure you guys will do just fine without me for today. Now, go on.” Remus poked Sirius in the side, just below his ribs, when the long haired boy didn’t move. Sirius jolted at the ticklish feeling from the jab and swatted Remus’ hands away. He took a couple steps back from the table, still gazing hopefully at Remus who was resolutely looking back at his book and refusing to allow his feelings for the other boy convince him to abandon Lily.

“Ugh, fine, but you owe me, Moony!” Remus just nodded with a fondly exasperated sigh and waved Sirius on with his hand, looking up to watch the older boy saunter his way out the library door.

When he finally broke his gaze from the empty doorway and looked back at Lily, he found her staring at him with a strange glint in her eyes and a devious smirk on her lips.

“Care to share a little something, Mr. Lupin?” Remus raised an eyebrow.

“Uh, your essay’s good, but needs a little work?” Remus asked in bemusement, not liking the look Lily was giving him. It was too sharp, too knowing. She suddenly leaned forward to whisper something, beckoning him to lean in too.

“When were you going to tell me you fancy Sirius Black?” Remus jerked back, nearly falling backwards out of his chair in shock. He quickly tried to school his features back to a neutral look, but the triumphant look on Lily’s face told him he’d failed to do so quick enough. “Shut up! Are you kidding me? I should’ve known from the way you always look at him.” Remus flushed and crossed his arms.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I don’t look at him any particular sort of way. You’re imagining things.” Lily rolled her eyes, but her gaze softened.

“It’s alright, you know. I won’t say anything. I’m pretty good at keeping secrets; I’ve kept your other one for years now.” Remus’ head snapped back to look at her, watching as her eyes lit up in horror and a hand slapped over her mouth. “Shit, I didn’t mean to say that. Look, Remus, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Please don’t be afraid.” Remus swallowed, hoping he could really trust the earnest look on her face.

“You… You know?” Lily bit her lip.

“That you’re a werewolf? Yes…” She made sure to whisper as softly as she could, but Remus still flinched at the confirmation that she did indeed know the truth about him. “It doesn’t matter to me, Remus. You’re one of my best friends. You’re too important to me for something like that to get in the way of our friendship.” Remus gave her a grateful, but watery, smile and nodded warmly. She cleared her throat, seemingly trying to blink back tears as well.

“Anyway, enough of all that mushy stuff. Back to the other revelation at hand. So you and Sirius, huh? How long has that been going on?” Remus sighed and debated in his head for a moment before reaching up a hand and pulling the collar of his shirt down gently. She knew all his other precious secrets, might as well go all the way. He watched as her eyes narrowed to decipher the tattoo before they widened in realization.

“He’s…?” Remus nodded, letting his shirt loose to cover the mark once more.

“You’re the only other person who knows, okay? I’d like to keep it that way.” Lily looked shocked.

“But, Remus, you have to tell him! You two are destined to be together.”

“No, Lily.” Remus said through gritted teeth. “No, okay? I haven’t had a lot of good in my life. Sirius and the others? They were my first ever friends and I can’t risk losing them because I let myself catch feelings for one of them. Besides, there’s always the chance it’s an unrequited mark and I can’t risk it. Promise me you won’t say anything? To _anyone_.” Lily met his gaze for a long time, saying nothing and just looking at him as if she were trying to piece together a puzzle. After a few minutes, she finally sighed and nodded.

“Okay. I promise.” 

_I swear on my life that I’ve been a good girl._

_Tonight I don’t want to be her._

“Moony, will you hurry up? We’ve been stalling for an hour already. I think whatever James is still setting up for my party must be ready by now!”

Remus and Sirius were currently roaming the shelves of the Hogwarts library searching for ‘a particular book’ that Remus claimed he needed for his Transfiguration essay despite Sirius knowing for a fact that his friend had finished said essay a week ago. Sirius couldn’t help but smirk knowingly at Remus’ sudden shocked flinch.

“What party? I have no clue what you’re talking about, Padfoot. Have you been daydreaming again? You’re supposed to be helping me.” Remus tried to be casual, but Sirius had yet to miss the annoyed scowl that furrowed his friend’s eyebrows whenever he lied.

“Come off it, Remus. I’ve known for ages. Prongs isn’t exactly subtle, especially when he’s excited about something.” Sirius let out a loud laugh as Remus slapped a hand over his face in exasperation. “Don’t worry, I promise to be surprised no matter what.”

“That’s not the point, Pads. It was his idea and here he goes blowing the secret before it’s even got the chance to be one.” Sirius ruffled Remus’ hair affectionately, throwing an arm across the other boy’s shoulders as he steered them away from the never-ending towers of books.

“Ah, well, no point getting all worried about it. Now come on! It’s my birthday and there’s a party upstairs missing it’s main attraction!” Remus elbowed Sirius in the side as they made their way up the stairs to Gryffindor tower. Even from outside the Fat Lady’s portrait, the two boys could hear the murmuring chatter of all the people hiding behind the entrance waiting to ‘surprise’ Sirius.

“Puffskein!”

As the entrance to the tower swung back on its hinges, the two boys peered into the common room, only the ambient light radiating from the fireplace outlining the shadows of the interior. Sirius cleared his throat.

“Moony? What’s going on?” Remus rolled his eyes, grabbing Sirius by the wrist and dragging him through the doorway to stand within the wider space of the room beyond. Suddenly, loud shouts rang through the silence and the room was filled with color as wands from all over shot out a rainbow of sparks. The lights of the room blazed up as they normally were and before them stood James, his grin threatening to split his face in half.

“Happy birthday, Sirius!” Sirius let out a whoop of excitement as he pounced on James, nearly crushing the other boy to the floor from the sudden weight pressing down on his shoulders. Without warning, Sirius’ movements stopped and his eyes became fixated on an object resting upon one of the rugged oak study tables by the common room window. Remus, following his gaze, raised an eyebrow in surprise as he saw a gleaming muggle record player, a small stack of what seemed to be actual packaged records perched beside it.

The crowd of people partying around them seemed to disappear in that moment as Remus watched Sirius look from the record player to James and back again several times. To Remus’ surprise, he caught the reflected sheen of tears lining his friend’s eyes as the long haired boy hooked an arm around James’ neck in a fierce hug, whispering a quiet, heartfelt thank you. James gave Sirius’ back a comforting scratch, a fond smile gracing his lips.

“Don’t worry, Moony and I’ll keep it safe at the manor over the holidays, okay?” Sirius just nodded, his face still burrowed in James’ shoulder. Remus watched the boy’s shoulder blades puff out largely as he steeled himself before finally rising out of James’ embrace and fully taking in the celebrations around him.

“Let’s dance!”

As the record player was cranked up and the party started getting into full swing, Remus found himself relaxing as he danced with the marauders and some of the other Gryffindors. About an hour in, however, Sirius suddenly collided with Remus, nearly knocking him off his feet. As it was, he only managed to do so by grabbing onto Sirius’ collar which, unfortunately for Remus – or fortunately depending on how you view it, the force of the movement caused him to fall into Sirius’ arms which immediately wrapped around him to stop him crashing to the floor.

Remus could actually feel as his heart stuttered in his chest. _Damn it._

“Whoa, easy there, Moony.” Remus’ nose crinkled. _Why does Sirius’ voice sound so odd?_ As the thought crossed his mind, he glanced upward to find Sirius knocking back a swig from a rather large, ornate flask he’d never seen before.

“Sirius, are you- is that alcohol?” Sirius started nodding enthusiastically, attempting to take another drink and failing as Remus grabbed the flask from his hands. His intention had been to prevent his best friend from getting more sloshed than he already seemed to be, but once the choice was, literally, in his hands, he rethought his options.

_Fuck it._

He took a large gulp of the liquid, relishing the achingly soothing burn it left in his throat, the pain distracting him from all the thoughts and emotions he couldn’t be arsed to deal with right now.

“I’m borrowing this.” Remus took another large swig as he sauntered away from Sirius, ignoring the outraged squawk from the other boy. He managed to get halfway across the room before being tackled once again by Sirius who reclaimed the bottle from him. 

He can feel every inch of Sirius’ skin pressed against his own as though the boy’s skin were lined with fire. He could smell the spiced, woody scent he could only describe as _Sirius_ flooding every cell in his body until they burst. Those indescribable gray eyes bore into his own like they could rip open every blood vessel in his body with a single glance and pour out all his secrets for the world to know.

Suddenly, it’s all too much.

With a stuttering gasp, Remus shoves his way through the crowd and up the stairs to the dorm bathroom where he collapses to the floor, heaving wretchedly into the toilet.

He didn’t need to turn and look to know whose gentle, slightly calloused fingers were threading through his curls, holding them away from his face. As his stomach finally settled once more, he found he couldn’t hide the shudder that jolted his body as those same hands moved from his hair down to rub comfortingly against his back, nails scraping lightly in an up and down motion across his spine.

“You alright, Remus?” Remus finally looked up to meet Sirius’ gaze to find those _goddamn eyes_ burrowing into his very soul (or at least, it felt that way to Remus who found his defenses very much lowered at the moment). They seemed brighter, had less of that alcohol dulled sheen to them, and the boy’s dark brows were furrowed in worry. Remus forced himself to shake himself out of his, currently unfathomable, emotional turmoil to give his friend a warm, reassuring smile.

“Yeah, sorry, Padfoot. I hope I haven’t ruined your party by going and puking my guts out after a mere three sips of firewhiskey.” Remus watched as a strange series of emotions flashed across Sirius’ face, none of which he found himself able to identify, before he was shaking his head and reaching a hand out to ruffle Remus’ curls affectionately.

“Never could, Moony. I’m just glad you’re okay. You coming back down?” Remus hesitated, but eventually shook his head.

“No, I think it’s best that I turn in for the night. You go on and dance the night away.”

Sirius seemed torn, or perhaps that was just Remus’ addled brain making him imagine things that weren’t really there, but he nodded in acceptance, giving Remus a grin before wishing him a pleasant sleep.

_They say he likes a good time._

_He comes alive at midnight._

If anyone asked, Remus would very simply tell them he had brushed the sick from his teeth, slipped into comfy pajamas, and done nothing but sleep the rest of that evening, but it would not be the truth. Sure, when he told Sirius he was going to bed he had every intention of doing so, but something made him pause, made him decide to get one last glimpse of the party raging down the stairs.

It may have just been his heart yearning for one last peek at Sirius.

From the shadow filled alcove of the stairwell Remus watched. He watched Sirius dance around without a worry in the world, he watched the utterly carefree laughter fly from his mouth, he watched those eyes twinkle with happiness and light.

He watched as Marlene McKinnon approached Sirius, hands flying about as they spoke in rapid fire excitement.

He watched as she grasped Sirius’ full attention within seconds.

He watched as she pulled the collar of her shirt down to reveal an inky black tattoo.

He watched the cogs turn in Sirius’ head, realization dawning as an elated smile as he registered just what he was looking at.

Remus, ignoring the clenching agony in his chest, turned away wishing he had simply gone to sleep if only to avoid the heartache for just one more day.

_My mama doesn’t trust him._

_He’s only here for one thing,_

_But so am I._


	7. She Is The Sunlight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Song Inspiration: She Is The Sunlight by Trading Yesterday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello dear readers! I just wanted to drop in and say a quick thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read this story so far. I've enjoyed every minute of watching it grow with each new hit, kudos, and comment. I hope this story continues to please and I want to say please feel free to reach out in a comment or on my tumblr (wildwolfsongs) with any thoughts or theories; I love hearing from all of you! Anyway, I won't keep you any longer as you've got a new chapter to sink your teeth into, so please enjoy and I'll talk to you all soon. xx

_If all the flowers faded away,_

_If all the storm clouds decided to stay._

The days following the night of Sirius’ fifteenth birthday were a blur of fake smiles, forced laughter, and unrelenting heartache for one Remus Lupin. He knew he had no right to feel this way, to be an unwavering storm cloud over everyone else’s heads, but the sting of rejection and the realization that his life was meant to be cursed was too much for his fourteen year old self to cope with.

Marlene McKinnon and Sirius Black had officially announced they were dating the morning after Sirius’ party. Remus, eyes fogged from a sleepless night, had merely continued to pick at his pathetically boring bowl of oatmeal as all around him friends and fellow Gryffindors celebrated the union of two soulmates.

Eventually James had nudged him with an elbow, jolting him out of his internalized misery and he finally allowed his gaze to raise from his bowl. He’d been aiming to look at James first, but of course fate would have his eyes snap right to Sirius before anything else.

Those damn eyes were looking at him with a lingering confusion and touch of hurt that made his heart clench painfully, but he could not bring himself to react in any way that would comfort his friend. Forcing his gaze to tear away, Remus looked at James, the boy’s concerned hazel eyes meeting his as a Quidditch calloused hand gently gripped his shoulder.

He couldn’t bear to stay any longer. He knew if he did, he’d say something he regretted. Clearing his throat suddenly, he quickly got to his feet, grabbing his bookbag and mumbling some lame excuse about needing to stop at the library before morning lessons.

Remus wished desperately he could snap himself out of it and actually support his friend, but it was harder than it looked. His whole being wanted nothing more than for Sirius to be happy and live the life he deserved to have, but at the same time every fiber of his being yearned to be the reason for that happiness.

That first day was the hardest, but it was the day Remus made a promise to himself.

_Then you would find me, each hour the same._

_Cause she is the sunlight, the sun is gone._

_Remus’ head darted up from where it had been buried in a rather riveting Muggle novel at the sound of the dorm door slamming shut. He’d been relaxing in the room with James and Peter after spending several hours after dinner cycling through the mounds of homework they’d been given._

_Sirius had been missing since before dinner, none of the other marauders having a clue where he’d gone. That was until now as said boy was currently lounging against the door with a dopey grin on his face._

_Remus grimaced at the rush of envy flooding his belly._

_“Alright, Padfoot?” James seemed to have no issues taking the mickey out of Sirius for his newly budding romance. He had tossed aside the Quidditch plays he was working on and was giving the lovestruck Sirius a teasing smirk as he lobbed a pillow at the boy’s head._

_Sirius seemed to pay it no mind despite the fact it pelted him directly on the nose._

_“Ah, Prongs. No need to be jealous, old bean. You’ve still got your very own spot in my heart, don’t worry.” Remus snorted at that and it suddenly seemed to bring Sirius out of the mooning he’d been lost in, glancing at Remus with an uncharacteristic nervous glint to his eye._

_“Alright, Moony?” The question was posed in almost a whisper, but Remus couldn’t bring himself to meet Sirius’ gaze, missing the worried look the boy exchanged with James. In an attempt to diffuse the suffocating tension in the room, James loudly cleared his throat and started dragging Sirius further into the room to collapse in a heap of limbs on his bed._

_“Come on, then. We’ve been waiting all day for this. Give us the details.” Peter had perked up as well, flipping from where he’d lying on his belly to sit cross legged on his bed. He snatched up a tart he’d had hidden in his bedside drawer, seeming to think this situation called for a snack._

_Remus remained where he was on the opposite end of the room, the expanding distance of Sirius’ empty bed between him and his friends seeming to grow wider with each passing moment._

_“Well, I mean, there’s not much to tell yet. We’ve not had the time, you know?” Nearly simultaneously, James threw Sirius a highly disbelieving look as Peter choked on his food in laughter and one of Remus’ eyebrows raised. Sirius pouted._

_“You lot are all a bunch of tossers. Fine! She came up to me last night at the party all freaked out and screaming in that high pitched way that girls seem to do for some reason. She… She’s got a raven, as her mark I mean. It’s the same one that’s on the Black family crest. Said it took her a while cause she’s, you know, a Muggleborn so she doesn’t really know the family symbols and all that pureblood shit, but it’s definitely the same one.” James nodded, gesturing for Sirius to continue, as Peter stared in awe at Sirius._

_Remus had been staring at the same sentence for nearly ten minutes now._

_“I mean, I’ve always liked her, you know? I know we don’t tend to hang around a lot of girls when we’ve got each other, but I got to know her more when she joined the Quidditch team with us back in second year. She’s cool, nice, definitely pretty.” At this point, Sirius was speaking at his lap, a light blush painting his porcelain cheeks. Remus swallowed against the unwanted sting of tears at the back of his throat._

_“Hey,” James reached out a hand, ruffling Sirius’ hair affectionately as the other boy glanced back up at his friend nervously. “I know you’ve been trying to figure out your mark for a while now. I’m happy for you, mate. I really am. We all are.” At this, Sirius fully raised his head, meeting James’ gaze to find no trace of a lie within those hazel eyes. He glanced at Peter to find the other boy nodding along enthusiastically, mouth stuffed full. Sirius laughed softly, shaking his head before steeling himself to turn to the final boy in the room._

_Remus felt the heat of those eyes on him immediately, but he didn’t look up right away._

Pull yourself together, Lupin. Sirius is counting on you.

_It hurt. It hurt more than anything Remus had ever felt before: more than the aching loss of his mother’s embrace, more than the sting of the hate filled words that spewed from his father’s mouth, even more than his transformations with their uncanny ability to rip his joints apart and crack the very deepest of bones._

_But Remus Lupin had decided he needed to make a choice, a choice between living out the rest of his days with Sirius as nothing more than his best friend or walking away now and forever living without another glimpse of that smile, those eyes._

_It was simple in the end._

_Remus closed the book, setting it down on his bed slowly as he gathered the nerve to do what he’d resigned himself to doing. Their eyes finally met and the panging hunger from deep within his very soul nearly made Remus abandon all sense and give in. Taking a deep breath, Remus allowed a smile, a genuine one this time, to bloom on his lips._

_“I’m happy for you, Padfoot, so very happy for you.”_

I will not allow anything to come between us, Sirius, even if that something comes to break me in the end.

_If loving her is heartache for me,_

_If holding her means that I have to bleed._

It had been over a month since that night and though things hadn’t necessarily gotten _better_ for Remus, they did get _easier._

He and Sirius were the same as always – pranking, laughing, purely being as close as best friends should always be. It didn’t matter that Remus could tell exactly when Sirius was coming from spending time with Marlene because his sensitive nose could catch even the faintest whiffs of her perfume layering his skin. It didn’t matter that Sirius’ face would light up when she entered the Great Hall every morning to join him for breakfast.

All that mattered was that he still had Sirius in his life, that was enough. Hell, it was more than enough. Remus should be nothing but grateful that someone as incredible and wonderful as Sirius Black was spending even a fraction of his time with someone like him.

So every time the smiles struggled to surface on his face or his lungs felt the deep exhaustion of forcing out laughs, he reminded himself that what he had was more than he deserved and it helped him to push through the harder days.

Well, that and Lily Evans.

He wasn’t sure how she did it, but she always knew exactly when everything was becoming all too much for Remus to cope with, grabbing him by the hand and creating some whirlwind excuse about needing his help on an assignment or reminding him of a (false) promise he’d made to join her in the library for a study session. It had even gotten to the point where Remus had to threaten using Veritaserum on himself to James who had become convinced Remus was trying to steal his soulmate.

Of course, James had been very apologetic after the fact, though Remus had taken no issue with his friend’s jealousy – he really had no right to considering his current views on Sirius’ relationship.

It had all come to a head about three weeks into Remus internal battle between maintaining his friendship with Sirius and combating his ever persistent pining for the boy. He and Lily had been sitting in at a table in the library, one sort of hidden away in a back alcove that they had discovered the year before and claimed as their own, studying for their upcoming Charms exam. He could tell she’d been dying to talk to him about the whole Marlene and Sirius fiasco for weeks, but he was not about to give her an in on his own power.

He watched out of his peripheral vision, eyes purposefully staying trained on his textbook, as she laid her quill down on the table, hands folding patiently in front of her as she cleared her throat softly.

“Remus… we have to talk about it sometime.” He sighed, not hesitating to close up his book and lay back in his chair, meeting her gaze wearily. She wouldn’t budge now, so he might as well give in and spare the energy of trying to fight her.

“There’s nothing to talk about, Lily. What’s done is done. I can’t argue with my best friend finding his soulmate and getting an early start on their lives together.” She pursed her lips.

“But Remus, you _know_ something isn’t right here. You _know_ that your mark is–”

“All I _know_ is that my best friend is _happy,_ happier that I’ve ever seen him, frankly. I’m not about to get in the way of that. He’s been through enough already. Besides, with me he’s not getting _nearly_ the soulmate he actually deserves. At least with Marlene he’s closer to that level.” The look Lily was giving him was unreadable and it made his skin crawl nervously.

“Remus, what do you mean by that?” Her voice was low, a thin layer of anger lining it that made Remus’ eyes widen.

“Not to say that Marlene is not worth it or anything like that! She’s a wonderful person, really. It’s just… well I don’t think anyone could really match…” He struggled to find the words to explain himself, running a frustrated hand through his curls. “What I mean to say is that in my eyes, Sirius deserves more than anything this world could have to offer him. That’s something I don’t think any person could give him, but at least… at least Marlene is offering more than I ever could.”

Lily seemed stunned into silence, looking at Remus with a new look that was just as unreadable as the last, but different somehow. He could almost see the cogs working in her brain through her green eyes as she processed everything he’d just said. He looked down at the table, weakly attempting to distract himself from her scrutinizing gaze with something, _anything._

“But, Remus… you _love_ him.” Remus flinched.

_Well, suppose I can’t really deny that… though I’m not sure what love feels like anymore to be honest._

“Maybe so… I don’t really know… But it doesn’t matter. I am the opposite of everything he deserves in a partner. No matter how hard it would be to achieve, he deserves someone as beautiful as him, inside and out, someone as loving and kind-hearted, someone… someone who isn’t a monster who carries around nothing but pain and sadness.” He looked up, meeting Lily’s tear-filled gaze with tired eyes and a sad, yet content, smile.

“I could never be enough for him, but if being his friend, supporting him in his relationship with his soulmate,” he held up a hand as Lily began to protest. “Yes, Lily, his _soulmate._ If by doing these things, smiling and laughing as we always have, I can make him just a bit happier? I’ll spend every minute of the rest of my life doing it and die happy, unrequited mark and all.”

He got out of his chair and made his way around to the other side of the table at the sight of the gentle tear tracks rolling down Lily’s freckled face. He sighed softly as he enveloped her in a warm hug, pressing a kiss into her fiery hair as he felt her tears soak his jumper.

“Come now, no need to cry for me. I’m okay. I’m happy. Everything’s going to be okay.”

_I am the martyr, love is to blame._

_Cause she is the healing and I am the pain._

“Alright, lads, I need your help. Though I frankly don’t know why as I am the only one of us who has any experience with dating anyone.” Sirius had come barreling through the dorm doorway all of a sudden, causing all three of the other Marauders to jump in surprise.

“Geez, Pads, give us some warning before you come traipsing in like that, for god’s sake. What on earth do you need help with?” James, who had been polishing his broomstick in preparation for the Quidditch match the following day, rubbed at the newly swelling lump on his forehead where said broom had smacked him when he had jumped.

“Wait a moment, where’s Remus? I need you all present for this.” James waved a distracted hand in the direction of Remus’ bed on the far side of the room which was currently empty. “Prongs, I think you need your glasses fixed, mate. Moony is definitely _not_ over there.”

“I’m down here, Sirius.” Sirius looked back at the far bed in confusion at the sound of Remus’ muffled, and frankly tired sounding, voice. Walking in that direction, he found Remus sprawled over the floor beside his bed, head pressed against the cool stone lining the ground and a thin sheet of sweat glossing over his skin.

“Remus, are you alright? You look awful.” Remus snorted weakly.

“Cheers, Padfoot, really appreciate the support there.” He sighed. “I’m fine, just… just a bad headache, probably a migraine if we want to get technical.” Remus forced himself up from the ground, grabbing his head to rub at his throbbing temples as he laid on his bed.

“He kind of fell onto the floor about an hour ago. Wouldn’t get up, said the floor felt too nice to do that.” James shrugged, dodging the book Remus had decided needed to be thrown at his head. Remus let a small smile grace his mouth at the indignant squawk James let out before slowly opening his eyes enough to look at Sirius, face half buried beneath his arm to block the light.

“Come on, Pads, tell us what’s going on.” Sirius rubbed his hands together, settling himself on the end of his own bed so he was easily visible to all three of the boys.

“Well, you know Marlene and I have been dating for like three months now and Valentine’s Day is coming up pretty soon so I want to do something nice for her. It’s a Hogsmeade weekend too which makes it all the better, but I’m not really sure… we’ve been arguing again and I feel like nothing I ever do is enough for her.” Remus started watching Sirius more closely as James’ nose scrunched.

“What are you two arguing about now? Seriously, Padfoot, I swear you two are quarrelling about something new every other day.” Sirius glared at James.

“I don’t mean to do it! She just kept going on and on about how I’m spending too much time with you guys and not enough with her. I told her you guys are really important to me, you’re my best friends, and that I certainly wasn’t going to stop hanging around you and pulling pranks and all that because of her! Then… then she went all red and got rather cross. Said she should be important and worth my time too before she stormed off. I never _said_ she _wasn’t_ important or worth my time. Bloody women, they’re all mad.”

Remus had had enough.

“God damn it, Sirius, you’re being a bit of a prat.” He had sat up now and was glaring fully at Sirius, his expression a careful mask giving nothing away. Sirius turned to him, anger nearly fuming from him.

“What the hell, Remus?”

“Oh, don’t give me that. She’s your _girlfriend_ and you’re telling me you know nothing about her? Haven’t you realized that Marlene is actually pretty self-conscious? I know for a fact that she spends more time than she should thinking she isn’t good enough for anything: classes, the Quidditch team, _you._ She’s jealous and _hurt_ , you idiot. She’s not stupid, she knows we’re your friends and you’re going to spend time with us but she _feels left out_. She wants to be part of your life, get to know who you are in every aspect of it and you’re shutting her out! Now here you are chatting away behind her back about how she’s overreacting and acting all out of character exactly the way she always worries everyone is. You’re here whining about it all when you’ve got more to be thankful for than any of us: you’ve found your soulmate, you like her, you get to be with her! So bloody get over yourself, think before you speak, and just _be happy together_.”

Remus was breathing heavily, face red from exertion. James and Peter were looking at him with matching bewildered looks, confused at where his major outburst had come from all of a sudden.

Sirius’s face had gone pale and his mouth had fallen agape as he stared at Remus, shock and confusion and… something else… running through his eyes.

Remus nearly collapsed back on the bed, grabbing quickly onto one of the bed’s posters to catch himself, hand flying to grip at his head. He groaned at the sudden flash of pain slicing through his skull. James had called out, on the verge of getting to his feet to help, when Remus regained his balance and shook himself. The anger was gone and he was left feeling cold.

_I’ve gone too far. I’ve let myself slip through the cracks. I’ll lose him now._

“I’m going to the hospital wing, get something for my head. Go to dinner without me… I don’t know when I’ll be back…”

_She lives in a daydream where I don’t belong._

_Cause she is the sunlight and the sun is gone._

As he sat in the hospital wing waiting for the pain potion to kick in an soothe his aching head, Remus couldn’t help but berate himself for getting out of hand. He didn’t even know why this particular situation had pushed his buttons so much.

Well, that wasn’t necessarily true. He knew exactly why.

Part of it was jealousy. Sirius had everything in his grasp, a requited soulmate and a relationship that had been working out fairly decently considering how new it was and how young they were, but he was letting it slip away so easily because of his bruised pride. It was something Remus had come to understand he would never have. Fate had cursed him in many ways throughout his life and having an unrequited soul mark was yet another way to throw him to the wolves.

But the other part of it was sympathy for Marlene. He understood what she was going through, he knew Sirius better than most. Sirius is the type of person that burns too bright for his own good. It’s not something he can control, but it’s something that either leads to destruction and chaos or, to those who he lets in, beauty and wonder.

He knew exactly what it was like to view that brilliance from the outside, like looking in through a window trying not to get burned, but Sirius has no way to understand. Anyone working to get close to him has to fight for it and avoid getting too close, too quick.

If Sirius was the sun, then those who love him are all an Icarus, flying to his embrace and hoping to be welcomed rather than forgotten and left to fall back to earth.

It had never been a bad thing in Remus’ eyes and it never would be, but it made it hard for people to get beneath all the layers and see the real Sirius for what he was. He’s built up so many layers of walls and armor to protect himself over the years and it takes a lot of strength and love to break through them.

He was broken out of his thoughts by Madam Pomfrey who had returned to check in on him. The potion had definitely kicked in while Remus had been distracted and he gave her a thankful smile before slipping out through the hospital wing doors.

He shouldn’t have been surprised to find Sirius waiting for him.

“Hi Remus…” Remus stopped short, glancing quickly over Sirius and taking in the bowed head and flushed cheeks. As he was about to speak, he was interrupted by Sirius coughing quietly and continuing. “I… I just wanted to say that you’re right. You’re right about all of it and… and I know you’ll probably tell me to say this to Marlene, but I just want to say I’m sorry. I let myself get carried away and that was wrong of me.”

Remus could feel the surprise on his face and it was clear from Sirius’ wry smile that he could see it plain as day. It wasn’t very often that Sirius gave a genuine apology for something, he was far too posh and, frankly, spoiled for that. Sirius’ behavior alone would’ve convinced Remus he was truly sorry for how he acted, but an actual verbal apology certainly solidified it for him.

“Thank you for that, Sirius. I’m sorry as well. I let myself get a bit carried away, but I’m glad you understand why. Don’t throw this away because of your pride. It’s too important, okay?” Sirius seemed to be steeling himself, taking in several deep breaths before he looked back at Remus with a determined blaze in his eyes.

“I promise I’ll do better.”

Remus nearly groaned at the stutter from his chest.

_And it will take this life of regret_

_For my heart to learn to forget._

“I hate pink, have I mentioned that?”

Valentine’s Day had finally arrived at Hogwarts and while many were generally thrilled at the prospect of spending the Saturday roaming Hogsmeade with their significant other, Remus was decidedly _not_ one of them. The marauders, Lily, Mary, and Marlene were all gathered in their usual spots at the Gryffindor table in the Great Hall grabbing a quick spot of breakfast before the festivities later that morning.

It would’ve been just like any other day if it hadn’t been for the charmed paper hearts littering the air and the fact that the house banners had been charmed a bright, festive pink in honor of the holiday. Remus wanted to puke at the sight of it all.

“Aw, Remus, don’t you like Valentine’s Day?” Remus could barely hold back his scoff of annoyance at Mary’s question. Fortunately for him, as he probably would’ve said something rather rude, James jumped in with a lightning response.

“Nah, our Moony’s not big on Valentine’s. Says it’s all a big show meant to get people to spend their money on chocolates and flowers and the like.” As he said this, he had grabbed Remus’ cheek, playfully tugging on it while dodging Remus’ hand which was attempting to slap James across the head in retaliation.

“So what, are you just not into the whole romance thing? Not really the romantic type?” The question caught Remus off guard and he found himself glancing at Sirius unthinkingly before he caught himself and quickly looked away again, meeting Lily’s sympathetic gaze.

“No, it’s not that. I like romance, though I’m not certain I’d consider _myself_ a romantic. It’s more the cheesy, cheap feel of Valentine’s Day itself that I’m not a fan of. Does that make sense?” Mary seemed to be trying to understand, but she ended up just shrugging and moving on to another subject.

“I know what you mean, Remus.” He was startled by Marlene jumping in. She seemed to be watching him with curious eyes and he gave her a grateful smile. “Though, I will say, I for one am looking forward to celebrating today. Sirius says he’s got something good planned.” Her cheeks pinked as she glanced at Sirius sitting beside her, an arm around her waist.

The smug grin on his face made Remus roll his eyes. _Yeah, only cause we helped him plan what to do. Otherwise his dramatic arse would’ve ended up taking her somewhere like Zonkos for the day._

After breakfast, their group started making the trek down the snowy path leading from the castle down into Hogsmeade. Lingering towards the back of the group with James and Peter, who were currently throwing snowballs at each other, Remus found himself watching Sirius and Marlene who were hand in hand at the front of the pack. Sirius’ smile was warm, his eyes glinting with so much light.

As they reached the village, Sirius and Marlene said their goodbyes, breaking off from the group to begin their Valentine’s Day date. The rest of them meandered through the various shops and stalls lining the cobblestone street, ducking in here and there to make a quick purchase. 

Remus was lost in his head, his mind fixated on the image of Sirius’ face from earlier. He didn’t notice the worrying looks he was getting from not only Lily, but James as well.

When a couple of hours had passed without a single word from Remus, James made his move, suggesting they all take their takeaway cups of hot butterbeer and treats from Honeyduke’s to the clearing by the shrieking shack. It was always quiet there and they could relax a while.

Remus hadn’t even heard a word James said. He just merely continued following the pack in whatever direction it moved, eyes unfocused.

With the shack looming in sight, James pulled Lily aside, the redhead giving him an annoyed look and exasperated sigh.

“Look, Potter, I’m not in the mood for another attempt to ask me out. Just give–” James started waving his hands quickly, making Lily stop in the middle of a sentence and give him a confused, and slightly wary, glance.

“I promise, I’m not going to ask you out. Well… at least not right now.” He shook himself. “No, listen, I need you to make up some excuse for the others to go back to the village with you.” Lily’s eyes narrowed.

“Why? What are you getting up to all by yourself?”

“I won’t be by myself. I’m keeping Remus with me. Something’s not right. I was hoping he’d pull himself out of this little rut he’s been in, but… anyway, please, just give me a hand?” Lily was taken aback at the concerned glaze in James’ eyes, darkening their speckled hazel color significantly. She glanced over at Remus, who had walked away from their group and was standing by the fence surrounding the shack, gazing at nothing but snow frosted air.

She looked back and James and gave him a nod.

“Oh shoot! I completely forgot I need to get a particular book from that little second hand shop in town. It can’t wait until next Hogsmeade weekend. Mary, will you come back with me?” Mary, who glanced at Lily in confusion and was about to ask what the hell she was on about, paused at the pleading look in Lily’s eyes. Trusting her friend, she nodded.

“Oh yeah, sure thing, Lils.” She glanced over at Peter, then back at Lily. “Want to join us, Pete?” The mousy boy looked a bit surprised, but at a consenting nod from James squeaked out a quick ‘Okay!’ and the three of them wandered back down the path to the village center, Lily glancing once more back at Remus and James before disappearing around the curve.

James watched them go before turning back to watch Remus. The boy hadn’t moved since he last glanced that direction, except to crouch to the ground, and James felt his worry deepen. He had a gut feeling, a hunch, about what was wrong, but he knew Remus needed to tell him in his own time. He walked the stretch of snow between himself and his friend slowly, crouching beside him.

James waited a moment, watching Remus as he took slow breaths without moving. James knew Remus had come back to his senses, those brown eyes alert with an awareness he hadn’t seen in them all day, but the boy made no move to interact with James.

“Rem?” Finally, the other boy moved, head ducking down to gaze at the snow with a tired expression. When he finally spoke, it was in a hoarse whisper, one that sounded like it pained every nerve in his body to say.

“It hurts…”

“What hurts?”

“Everything…”

The whisper was even quieter this time, enough that James, who was literally right beside him, had to strain to hear it. He started reaching out a hand to comfort Remus, but pulled back as Remus moved once more.

A scarred hand reached up to the collar of Remus’ corduroy jacket to pull down the collar, revealing the inky mark Remus had kept to himself for so long. It did not take long for James to put the pieces together and he felt his own heart clench in sympathy for his friend, his brother.

Carefully raising his hand, he guided Remus’ own hand away from his collar, allowing the fabric to cover the mark once again before reaching his arm fully around Remus in a comforting embrace. He didn’t speak when he felt Remus tense beneath his arm. He didn’t speak when Remus’ breathing became heavier and more raspy than before.

He didn’t speak as Remus’ broken sobs split the silence.

_Tomorrow will be as it always has been_

_And I will fall to her again._

_For I know I’ve come too close._


	8. Just A Little Bit Of Your Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Song Inspiration: Just A Little Bit Of Your Heart by Ariana Grande

_I don’t ever ask you where you’ve been,_

_And I don’t feel the need to know who you’re with._

Things were significantly better for Remus after that day when James finally cracked his armor and everything came pouring out in a cathartic wave of pain and heartache. It was from that day forward that Remus truly knew there would never be another man quite like James Potter. He took all of Remus’ suffering in stride, giving him countless words of love and comfort to keep him afloat as the world tried to drown him out.

Since that day, whenever their usual gang of friends was hanging out, James always kept a close eye on Remus watching for any sign that things were becoming too much. Like when Sirius would spiral into a lengthy conversation about some ‘amazing thing’ Marlene had done the other day and James would jump in with a perfectly timed comment to move the topic in a different direction, satisfaction welling up when the tension in Remus’ shoulders released in response.

Fortunately, it was not a situation that occurred all that often. While Sirius and Marlene were definitely still in a relationship and would always show it in little ways like sitting beside each other at meals or walking to classes hand in hand, they had never shown much affection beyond that. Sure they would crack jokes with each other and have wild debates about which Quidditch player was the best on a particular team, but these were things they both did with all of their friends.

In fact, the couple was so romantically distant from one another that one day in late April as the Gryffindor gang was working through a potions essay together in the common room Alice actually made a rather poignant comment about it. It took them all by surprise. It wasn’t very typical for anyone to question a relationship between two destined soulmates, but once it had been made, everyone seemed to pause and really come to terms with what their friend had said.

“You know… she’s actually got a point. You two have seen how these soulmate couples are always acting; I mean we hang out with Alice and Frank on a regular basis for Merlin’s sake. They’re always cuddling and kissing, can never seem to take their hands off one another, you know?” Marlene and Sirius exchanged bemused looks, shrugging in response to a suddenly intrigued Mary.

“I mean it’s not like we never kiss or whatever, it’s just… not something we often want to do, I suppose. Not like it matters. We can still be a couple without always being on top of each other.” Marlene’s retort was less biting than she had probably intended, the defensive remark starting off strong before teetering off as the others continued to stare at her and Sirius with an intense thoughtfulness that made her skin crawl.

Remus, who had been perfectly content to ignore the conversation and bury his head behind his potions textbook, could practically taste the tension building in the room, his skin prickling from the electric feel of it. Looking up, he caught the faintly awkward, highly anxious glint in Marlene’s eyes and sighed in annoyance, slamming his book shut. The air seemed to crackle even more as everyone jumped in their seats, turning to face him. He raised an eyebrow at all of them, his eyes finally settling on Sirius and Marlene before he allowed his features to soften.

“Leave them alone. They’re happy the way they are and that’s all that should matter to you. Now, if you all don’t mind, I would _very_ _much_ like to have this essay finished tonight and, considering I am pants at potions, at this rate it’ll be tomorrow before I’ve even finished one sentence.” Ignoring the burning feel of James’ eyes scorching his forehead, Remus watched as his friends mumbled half-hearted apologies as they turned back to their books and parchment, Marlene throwing him a grateful smile.

“Right then, someone help me remember what we do with the bat spleens again? I really don’t want to deal with another mess of blisters like the last time when my cauldron exploded on me.” Peter’s knack for comedic timing always came through in the end, the crackling tension finally dissipating as they all laughed and shook their heads fondly at the boy’s battle with his potions textbook.

_I can’t even think straight, but I can tell_

_That you were just with her._

A few days later found Sirius and James in the Gryffindor Quidditch locker rooms, cleaning up after a rather intense practice. Tensions had been running rather high as their Gryffindor versus Slytherin match ticked nearer. It was the final game of the year, the one to decide who wins the cup, and their team captain, Adrian Fawcett, was clearly willing to drive them into the ground and seal a Gryffindor win in his final year.

As the two marauders left the locker rooms, they came across Marlene who was stepping out of the girl’s lockers herself. Giving his fellow chaser a wave as she tucked herself under Sirius’ arm, he watched as the two interacted, wincing at their clearly forced movements which came across as the complete opposite of what they were trying to portray. Sirius’ arm was resting casually over Marlene’s shoulder with no real care, Marlene’s delicate peck to Sirius’ cheek was almost robotic and extremely chaste, and, to top it all off, the two were very pointedly trying to look at anything that wasn’t each other as they chattered on about seemingly nothing.

James, decidedly refusing to let himself be ‘fooled’ by their ruse, cleared his throat, giving an unassuming grin when they both turned to face him. “I hate to interrupt, lovebirds, but Marlene, you mind if I steal Sirius away from you for the afternoon? We’ve got some uh, some catching up to do.” James tried to apply his most innocent grin, but even so Marlene’s eyebrows rose in disbelief and she gave him a knowing smirk.

“You two need to ‘catch up’? Are we talking about the same Sirius Black and James Potter? The two boys who are attached at the hip? Who live in the same bloody dorm but apparently don’t see each other enough that they need to ‘catch up’?” She was teasing him, it was obvious and James knew it, but he still felt the fierce blush of embarrassment melt over his cheeks as he stuck his nose in the air, sniffing proudly.

“Aw! Prongsie, do you miss me?” Sirius slung an arm around James’ neck, catching the boy off guard as a rough hand suddenly ruffled his hair heavily.

“Ah, you prick! Get off me!” Wrenching himself from Sirius’ grasp, James leapt onto Sirius’ back in an attempt to wrestle his friend to the ground. To his surprise, which it really shouldn’t have been seeing as Sirius could punt a bludger across the entire Quidditch pitch in one swing with ease, Sirius took his weight effortlessly, shouting out a playful battle cry as he began to race across the grounds.

It would’ve worked rather well if Sirius hadn’t decided to turn around and yell a goodbye to his girlfriend causing him to trip over his own ankle and land them in a heap of limbs and tangled robes. Considering they could not stop laughing long enough to sit up properly, the two of them laid there on the grass catching their breath and every so often nudging the other on the shoulder.

The two friends laid there, staring up at the cloudless sky stretched over the spring filled grounds. James takes a deep breath, steeling himself for the conversation he knew he needed to have with Sirius, before finally opening his mouth to speak.

“Sirius, be honest with me, okay? Do… Do you truly believe that Marlene is your soulmate?” James knew it was a harsh question, knew Sirius would immediately tense and become defensive the way he could already feel from the boy’s shoulder pressed against his own, but it had to be said. His voice was not accusatory in anyway, merely curious and soft in a way that dug into every nerve in Sirius’ body.

James watched as Sirius suddenly sat up, torso curled over one bent knee as if to protect his very heart from the words leaving James’ mouth. His long black locks shadowed his face, giving James no way of telling just what was racing through his friend’s mind. Slowly, James sat up as well, eyes calmly looking out across the Black Lake just a little way down the hill from them.

“I know the conversation we all had the other day got under your skin more than you let on. Not sure why you thought you could hide that from me, but… at the time, I didn’t want to push. Think I need to now. I can’t stand watching you two fake your way into happiness the way you’ve been doing these past few days; it breaks my heart.” At this, Sirius opened his mouth to protest, but was cut off by James raising a gentle hand.

“Hang on, Padfoot. Just… let me finish, okay?” At Sirius’ reluctant nod, James continued. "If this relationship, this match with Marlene, is true and what you fully believe to be fate’s design for you both, then you know I’ll support you one hundred percent. Always have, always will; you’re my brother after all. But… but if you’re not sure, if this doesn’t feel right, then don’t force yourself to stay.” James swallowed past the lump of emotion in his throat as he turned to the side and found Sirius looking at him with eyes full of shock and unshed tears.

“I… I don’t know what to think, Prongs.” Sirius voice came out as nothing but a faint whisper, like he was afraid the truth would become more real the louder he spoke. “I mean, sure Marlene and I aren’t quite the couple I had imagined, but… her mark couldn’t be anything else but the Black raven. What if…” James felt his heart clench as Sirius’ hand rose to grip at his throat nervously, a tear finally releasing from his lashes and rolling down his cheek. “What if this is my only chance?”

James let out a huff, unable to stop the fond smile blooming on his lips, and turned to crouch in front of Sirius, forcing the other boy to look directly at him. “Listen to me, Sirius Orion Black. This _will not_ be your only chance. Fate created our soul marks for a reason and there’s a reason we feel a certain way when, and only when, we are with our true match. If that’s how you feel with Marlene, then by all means I’ll pull your arse up off the ground right now and send you on your way to snog the daylights out of her.” Sirius let out a huff of a laugh at that.

“But… if that’s _not_ how you feel, then you know what you need to do,” James finished, clapping his hands together to accentuate his point. A thoughtful look passed over Sirius face then.

“James, how do I know for sure? I’m not even sure I know what love feels like…”

“Well of course you do, you twit,” James chastised fondly. “Maybe not in the romantic sense, but there are all kinds of love. It’s… how you feel when you come visit for the holidays and Mum’s in the kitchen with all our favorite treats and a welcoming smile every morning. It’s how it feels when we are all laughing together and being in each other’s company without a care in the world. And, eventually, it’ll be the feeling you get when you look at your soulmate and remember how much you care for them, how much you love the little things that make them unique.”

James didn’t quite know what to do with the look Sirius was giving him then, so he merely cleared his throat and stood from where he was crouched, swinging his arms awkwardly as he blinked away his own tears.

“Right then, I’ll um… leave you to think for a bit, I suppose. Just… think about what I’ve said, yeah?” He waited for Sirius to give him a slightly bewildered nod before turning to walk back towards the castle entrance. A few feet away, however, he paused again, turning to look at Sirius once more who was now gazing intently at the lake once more, lost in thought.

“Oh, and Sirius?” Sirius’ head flicked in his direction. “What color are Marlene’s eyes?”

James didn’t wait for a response, turning once more and missing the way the blood drained from Sirius’ face.

_And I’ll still be a fool._

_I’m a fool for you._

“Hey, Marlene! You coming back to the common room with me?” Blonde curls swished out in a wave as Marlene turned her head back to face her boyfriend as he called out to her on their way out of potions. Marlene grinned at the pout on his lips as she shook her head.

“Sorry, love. Promised Lils and Remus I’d meet them in the library to do some studying for exams. You could join us if you like?” Biting back a laugh at the sudden grimace on Sirius’ face, she gave his cheek a gentle pat. “Yeah, I didn’t think so.”

“Oi, Padfoot! Get moving already. I’m turning into an icicle over here, it’s bloody freezing in these stupid dungeons.” Sirius glanced from Marlene to James and back, giving the girl a good natured shrug before tugging one of her curls playfully and racing off after his friend. Marlene shook her head, laughter ringing around the nearly empty corridor as she watched the two boys grapple with each other as they made their way down the hall.

Turning, she began the trek down the opposite corridor to the boys, rooting around in her bag as she checked to make sure she had everything she needed for their study session.

In hindsight, doing this while walking was probably not the best idea.

Before she knew it, Marlene found herself falling backwards with no warning to trigger her reflexes into catching herself. She squeezed her eyes shut, bracing her body for an impact that… never came? Her eyes blinked open once more as she registered the gentle arm around her waist and the neatly pressed tie in line with her nose.

A green tie to be precise. _A Slytherin? Being nice to me for once?_

Her eyes flashed up and, try as she might, she couldn’t ignore the way her breath hitched heavily as their gazes met. The eyes were gray. _Like Sirius’,_ she couldn’t help but think. Yes, they were gray, but… different somehow. They reminded her of the contrasting grays of smoke billowing into a cloudy sky, the layers wisping across one another over and over until you found yourself… lost in them.

Suddenly, she was being pushed away. It was gentle, but firm, accompanied by an embarrassed cough and a mumbled, ‘Sorry,’ before the boy continued his path down the corridor stretching behind her. She watched him take a few paces, head ducked in a way that was highly out of character, before she felt herself speak unconsciously.

“Thank you, Regulus.” He faltered in his steps, pausing for a moment so brief she almost wondered if she’d imagined it, before continuing on as though nothing had happened, not taking even a second to glance back at her.

It did not escape her notice that his head was no longer ducked down, however.

_Just a little bit of your heart,_

_Just a little bit of your heart is all I want_

Lost in a swirling mass of confusing thoughts, Marlene didn’t even notice she’d arrived at the library until she heard the familiar tones of her friends calling out to her. Shaking herself out of the lull she’d been in, Marlene threw on a smile and approached their usual study table, settling beside Remus and pulling out her books on autopilot.

Remus and Lily exchanged a worried glance at the faraway look in their friend’s eye.

“Marlene? You okay, love?” Lily’s voice was gentle, quiet, but Marlene still flinched as if it were amplified with a sonorous charm and shouted directly in her ear. She gave a rather unconvincing excuse about a headache, claiming she was fine and just listen in rather than participate today. Her friends didn’t seem convinced, but they let it be for now, turning back to the section of the textbook they’d been reviewing.

Marlene tried to redirect her focus to studying for her exams, it certainly wasn’t like she could get away with not prepping as planned, but try as she might, Regulus’ eyes kept flashing through every thought.

_It makes no sense. It’s Regulus! I mean really, he and Sirius have the same eyes so it’s not like I’ve never seen them before… Gray is certainly an uncommon color, but nothing to be so hung up on. I’ve just… never seen anything like them. It’s almost like…_

Marlene could _feel_ the clenching thud of her heart as the realization hit her.

A memory popped into her mind: It was her first year at Hogwarts and she had just arrived at Platform nine and three quarters with her parents, the excitement welling up inside her as her eyes flew across anything and everything they could see. As she said her goodbyes and was ushered onto the train that was just minutes from departing, she quickly raced to find a compartment and threw open the window, hoping to catch one last glimpse of the platform before her new adventure began. Rather than spotting her family however, Marlene’s eye had caught another family, one she could see was obviously quite posh, possibly aristocratic, from the way they held themselves and the clothes they donned.

It was this moment when she made eye contact with one of the two boys in this family. It was this moment, Marlene had realized, when her soul mark had inked itself onto her skin.

It was this moment when fate put Regulus Black and Marlene McKinnon together.

_Holy shit,_ Marlene’s brain screamed at her. The thought repeated itself, a broken record catching over and over in her mind, as her breaths started to come quicker than they should and she felt the sting of tears well up in her eyes. It was a bit ridiculous, crying about finding out who your soulmate was, but Marlene wasn’t stupid. She knew how Regulus Black treated people like her and, though she didn’t love him, she _did_ actually care for Sirius. She didn’t want to hurt him.

“Marlene?” A warm, calloused hand lay gently on Marlene’s shoulder and she suddenly found herself looking into warm light brown eyes as Remus moved himself to crouch beside her. “Oh love, what’s wrong? Deep breaths. I think you might be having a panic attack.”

Matching Remus’ calm, slow breaths, Marlene found herself calming enough that she could choke out a word in response to Remus’ question.

“Sirius…” She numbly felt surprise jolt through her at the way Remus’ eyes had suddenly hardened and his grip tightened slightly.

“What did he do? I swear if he hurt you I’ll–” Marlene quickly shook her head, cutting him off from his angered ranting.

“No, no, Remus.” She had so many emotions and thoughts running through her at that moment, but she didn’t want Remus to think Sirius had done something wrong. “It’s nothing like that. I just… I’m sorry, I need to go find Sirius. I have something to tell him. Excuse me.” She stood so abruptly that the chair crashed to the floor behind her, startling Lily and Remus both as she raced out the library door leaving behind her books and an irate Madam Pince.

_Just a little bit of your heart,_

_Just a little bit is all I’m asking for._

“Checkmate!” Sirius groaned in annoyance as James, once again, ended the game in his favor with a flourish of his wrist. Catching the smug grin on his friend’s face, Sirius shoved a hand in James’ face causing the boy to tumble to the floor in a graceless heap. Fighting to quiet the peals of laughter streaming from his mouth, Sirius was caught off guard by the sudden appearance of Marlene beside him and even more surprised at her shaking hands and tear soaked face. He leapt to his feet.

“Marls? Babe, what’s the matter? What’s happened?” He reached out a hand to cup her cheek and was somewhat comforted by the warm smile she gave him in return. The tear stains were old then. She was alright for now.

“Sirius, can we talk? Maybe in the astronomy tower or something, where it’s more private?” Her voice was soft, but Sirius could still detect a hidden layer of nerves and… guilt? He nodded, allowing her to grab his wrist and lead him out of the portrait hole as he threw a worried glance back at James.

She remained silent the entire way up to the tower, still not saying a word as they finally reached the open air balcony lining the north side of the tower. It was nearly dark, the first stars in the sky peeking out like glistening dewdrops in the moonlight. _It’ll be a full moon soon,_ Sirius found himself thinking. As his thoughts started drifting to Remus and the upcoming transformation, he was broken out of his thoughts by the gentle clearing of Marlene’s throat.

“Sirius, I have a question for you… well perhaps a couple, but I want you to answer them as honestly as you can, okay? Please… for me.” He was hesitant, worried the questions would pertain to his fucked up family or traumatic homelife or the like, but still, he trusted Marlene and chose to nod in acceptance of her terms. She breathed out deeply.

“First, can… can I see your mark again?” Sirius looked at her in surprise. She hadn’t seen it since the night of his birthday party, hadn’t asked to see it at all, trusting that fate had led her to the right person. As he nodded, he felt her delicate fingers grasp the collar of his shirt and pull it down slowly to reveal the inked moon he’d had for nearly five years. She peered at it for a few moments before taking a breath, nodding, and letting his collar fall back into place.

“Right then.” She took a moment to look into his eyes, that gray gaze watching her with a gentle concern and kindness that made her want to do nothing but smile. “Next question… Please just, don’t take this the wrong way. Sirius, do you think we’re truly soulmates?” He quickly opened his mouth to protest, eyebrows furrowing in a confused and hurt anger, but she jumped in before he could speak.

“You promised you would answer honestly, Sirius Black. Now… please, just yes or no.” Their eyes were locked in a fierce battle as Marlene urged him to speak honestly while his own brain screamed to spare her feelings and do the exact opposite. Swallowing down the nervous lump in his throat, Sirius broke their gaze, looking out at the evening sky. As his eyes locked upon the glowing light of the moon, he gave his answer.

“No…” He could practically feel the breath as it left her body and braced himself for the anger, the shouting, but it never came. When he gathered the courage to look back at her, he flinched in shock as he found her smiling at him, relief plain in her eyes.

“Just one more question. Sirius… what color are my eyes?”

“Blue.” The hesitation had dissipated now.

“Just blue?” When Sirius nodded in response, Marlene finally let herself fully relax, body nearly crumpling to the floor as the nervous energy flushed from her body.

“Oh, thank god. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt you, Sirius. Now I don’t have to worry about that.” Sirius reached out an arm to steady her, still donning that oddly confused look as he tried to process what exactly was happening.

“Marlene, I’m afraid I don’t quite understand. You… You don’t believe we’re soulmates either? But what about your mark? There’s no possible way for that raven to match anything other than the Black crest.”

“Well, you’re certainly correct about that. Today has been quite a… let’s say a revealing day. After potions, while I was walking to the library, I bumped into someone, literally.” They shared a chuckle at this. On the Quidditch pitch, Marlene’s coordination couldn’t be beat. Outside of it, however, was another story. “Anyway, the person caught me before I could fall and… when I looked up… I saw their eyes and I just knew. His eyes were gray, just like yours, except… more… and were quite a perfect combination with his _Slytherin tie._ ”

Realization dawned quickly on Sirius’ face.

“Regulus…” Marlene smirked as Sirius brain finally caught on.

“You, my dear, are not the only member of the Black family currently attending this school. Not to mention, your tattoo? I cannot for the life of me think of how a moon could relate to me.” She watched as he bit his lip nervously, running a hand through his hair.

“You’re not upset then? My brother… he’s not like me. It’ll be hard.” She gave him a grin, the fiery passion lighting her eyes nearly making him regret fate not putting him with such an amazing girl.

“No, he’s not like you, but from the stories you’ve shared and what I’ve seen of him, I know he’s not a bad person, deep down. Maybe… Maybe I’ll be the one to pull him out of that darkness, bring him back to the brother you remember.” Sirius felt himself nearly choke on tears, grabbing Marlene in a fierce hug.

“If anyone could, it’s you. Take care of him, okay?” She nodded, wordlessly acknowledging the warm teardrops pooling on her shoulder as they took a moment to comfort one another. Eventually, Sirius pulled away, swiftly turning his face away to wipe at his tears before she could see. Marlene continued to pretend she hadn’t known, for his sake.

“Now we’ve got to get you sorted out, Siri. Since we know your soulmate isn’t me, any ideas on who it might _actually_ be?” Sirius shrugged, giving her that signature Sirius Black grin.

“Not the faintest, I’m afraid. Not to worry, love. I’ll figure it out eventually, seems like looking for the eyes is the trick, huh?” She giggled, shaking her head fondly at him and happily linking her elbow with his as it was held out.

“Now, let’s go to dinner. I believe you and I have some rather important news to pass on to our dear friends, don’t we, Marls.”

_I don’t ever tell you how I really feel_

_Cause I can’t find the words to say what I mean._

In the end, Sirius and Marlene didn’t share the news of their mutual break up until after dinner that evening when they were all happily nursing full bellies in their dorms, ready to get into bed. Sirius was just emerging from the dorm bathroom, comfortably in his pajamas of choice (an old tee shirt and boxers) as he ran a nervous hand through his hair. He found himself just kind of standing in the middle of the dorm, unsure of how to approach the necessary conversation.

James and Peter were locked in a heated argument about James’ unfortunate habit of leaving his socks strewn across the dorm floor. Sirius had no particular interest in that topic of discussion – the answer was decidedly clear: James’ socks smelled terrible and the boy had to bloody learn to put them in the hamper like a normal person.

Remus, on the other hand, was lounging on his bed with a book in one hand and the other hovering distractedly over an open chocolate bar, snapping off small pieces every few minutes to savor as he read. At least he had been. Now, he was currently watching Sirius, concern glinting his eyes, book lying forgotten on his lap. The other boy sat up slowly, eyes meeting Sirius’ as his eyebrow quirked up questioningly.

“Sirius? You okay?” His comment caught the attention of the other boys in the room, their argument suddenly disregarded as they took in Sirius’ nervous stance. James immediately moved as if to get to his feet, ready to be at Sirius’ side in a heartbeat if anything were wrong. Sirius took a deep breath.

“Marlene and I had a conversation today… We’ve uh, come to the conclusion that we’re not actually soulmates.” He ignored the surprised gasps from his friends and scratched a hand nervous across the back of his neck. “Yeah, she bumped into someone today, saw their eyes and immediately knew. You were right, James, about everything earlier. I already knew it really, that she wasn’t my match. It’s always the eyes, huh.”

James stepped forward then, clapping a comforting hand to Sirius’ shoulder, silently asking Sirius if he was okay. At the boy’s reassuring nod, James stepped back, satisfied and cautiously turned his attention to Remus without alerting the others.

Remus was not okay.

He had not moved from where he had frozen in place at Sirius’ confession, breath coming in quiet, but ragged, gasps. His eyes were wide and his throat was bobbing continually as though he was desperately trying to swallow back everything welling up inside of him. James wanted nothing more than to wrap Remus in a hug and comfort his brother, but he had made a promise not to say anything about the boy’s soul mark and drawing attention to Remus’ turmoil would do nothing but aggravate the situation.

“Wait a minute, Padfoot, you said Marlene’s mark was definitely the Black family raven, you know from your crest and all. How is it she’s not your soulmate?” Sirius actually smirked and James too found himself curious about the answer to Peter’s question.

“Funny thing that, Peter. Turns out, dear old Reg is Marlene’s soulmate. Forgot for a bit that I’m not the only Black attending Hogwarts right now.” James felt his jaw drop in surprise, but thinking about it, it certainly made sense. Now it was just a matter of getting Sirius to bloody figure it all out.

“Yeah so, I’m not sure what Regulus’ mark is, but considering my moon tattoo meant absolutely nothing to her, his definitely has to match. All the other Blacks have found their matches already so he’s the only other one left. I’m glad it’s her, maybe she can help sort the prick out.” Perhaps Sirius had continued speaking, but as soon as the confession of the actual image of Sirius’ tattoo was out in the open, James had done nothing but watch as Remus saw everything unfold right before his eyes.

“What did you just say…?” Remus’ voice was croaky, raw with nerves, and it made Sirius jump a bit, glancing over at his friend in confusion.

“Oh, uh my mark… it’s this like moon design.” At this, Sirius pulled his collar down, showing the mark off for the second time that evening, not noticing the bewildered awe on Remus’ face. “Anyway, Marlene said it genuinely had no connection to her that she could think of so yeah, definitely not me. I’ll free wheel it for a while, see if I can’t figure out who it actually matches…” Sirius trailed off as Remus had suddenly launched to his feet, hands clenching nothing but air, eyes darting wildly across the room as he looked for an escape.

“Moony…?”

“I have to go… Forgot Madam Pomfrey has this new p-potion or whatever she wants me to try… for the next m–” Remus seemed to choke on his own words, throwing on his dressing gown and vanishing from the room before any of them could even blink. Eventually, Sirius moved to follow his friend, concern lining every inch of his face, but he was stopped dead in his tracks by James.

“Leave him, Padfoot. He’ll be alright, I think he just hasn’t been feeling well. The next full is coming up and all.” Sirius looked skeptical, but he trusted James to know Remus’ quirks by now and merely nodded, finally moving to get into bed.

Remus did not return to the dorm that night.

Sirius did not sleep a wink.

_Nothing’s ever easy that’s what they say._

_I know I’m not your only, but I’ll still be a fool._

“Remus…?”

The boy in question did not look up from where he was currently marking down notes on a piece of parchment.

“Moony, mate…”

He knew what they wanted to talk about, he wasn’t an idiot, but it was the very last thing he wanted to even think about right now, let alone talk about. _Lord help us when these two actually get together. They make quite the persistent team when they try hard enough._ He’d had enough.

“What, James? Lily?” He wished his voice didn’t betray his emotions so clearly as he watched his friends recoil at the thinly veiled anger in his words. The truth was, he wasn’t all that angry, at least not with anyone but himself. Perhaps with fate for giving him the short stick every bloody time, but no anger wasn’t the right word to describe it.

Longing, maybe, or yearning. It was something much more raw and unhinged than anger, something Remus had never quite felt before. The truth was out. Sirius Black’s soul mark was a moon and Remus Lupin’s was a star. They could not be a more clear cut match; anyone with any sense would be able to work it out from merely knowing one of their two marks.

Except apparently Sirius himself.

James kept insisting it was just Sirius being his usual oblivious self, but Remus wasn’t so sure. Sirius had known about Remus’ lycanthropy, the very definition of his relationship to the moon, for nearly four years now. Yet for some unfathomable reason the boy, whose intelligence was significantly higher than he lead people to believe, had yet to put together the clues?

Remus wasn’t buying it. No, he was certain that from the moment Sirius knew Marlene was not his match, perhaps even before, that the boy had made the connection. Remus wasn’t going to sit around trying to fool himself into a false sense of hope and security. Sirius knew they were a match and was purposefully choosing to ignore it.

Remus was not upset with him for it either. He understood. Sirius was under no obligation to fall in love with his best friend. He was under no obligation to fall in love with a man, either.

And he _certainly_ was under no obligation to fall in love with a werewolf.

Remus Lupin was the opposite of everything Sirius Black deserved and he was content in the knowledge that at least Sirius knew he deserved more than Remus and would fight for that even if it meant going against fate. Who could fault a person, someone they love, for that?

Now, if only Remus could get James and Lily to understand that too.

“Remus, I know you’re quite put off James and I by now, but please hear us out. This is your chance. You’ve got to tell him.” James nodded enthusiastically along with the red haired girl.

Remus’ patience finally broke and he stood harshly from his chair, failing to push back the waves of emotion pouring from him.

“No. No, you hear _me_ out this time. I’m done. I’m _tired._ Have you ever wondered about the fact that maybe Sirius hasn’t figured this soulmate thing out because no part of him could even _consider_ that I might be an option? And who could blame him! I’m a man, I’m a werewolf, I’m his best friend! I could never be what he deserves, no matter how hard I may try. Sirius is one of the three most important people in my life alongside you two and if you think for even a second that I’m willing to throw that relationship away by taking the risk, you’ve got another thing coming. I would rather spend the _rest of my life_ loving Sirius from afar than risk being separated from him because fucking fate decided to give him the most fucked up soulmate you could possibly ask for. If that means supporting him through a relationship with someone else he comes to love, I’ll do it. If that means never fully embracing my own soul bond, I’ll do it. _I will not lose him._ ”

Remus’ breaths were coming in heavy pants and tears dripped silently down his cheeks. He felt his face flush and was ever grateful that James and Lily at least chose a time when the library was practically empty to bring this conversation up. They were both staring at him in a stunned shock, mouths agape as the silence grew louder, reaching a cascading roar in Remus’ ears.

Remus took that as his cue to leave, gathering up his textbooks and notes in a neat pile. When he looked back up, he could only assume Lily had been about to say something, but the girl was silenced by the gentle, calloused hand hovering by her mouth. James’ gaze was intense, watching him intently, emotions flickering in rapid fire flashes across his eyes. Remus finally felt himself relax slightly as James gave him a reluctant, but understanding nod, stepping to the side to allow Remus to pass by freely. As he walked past them, he paused once more, turning his head just slightly so they could hear him with his back turned.

“You know… forever may be a long time, but if it’s spent by his side, in whatever way he’ll have me? That’s enough…”

_I know I’m not your only, but at least I’m one._

_I heard a little love is better than none._


	9. To Love Somebody

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Song Inspiration: To Love Somebody by The Bee Gees
> 
> CONTENT WARNING: This chapter contains mentions and acts of abuse. Please use caution reading it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year, my loves! I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday season and that you're all ready for the latest installment. I just want to jump in and say thank you so much for all the kudos and hits this story has gotten so far. I really appreciate all the love you've given this story. I can't wait to hear what you all think of this chapter and I hope to see some new readers, too! Enjoy loves xx

_There’s a light, a certain kind of light, that never shone on me._

_I want my life to be lived with you._

“Remus…”

He grumbled, turning his body inward, away from the warm hand shaking his shoulder.

“Re, I’m sorry… I know you don’t want to, but we’re nearly pulling into the station now. You’ve got to get up, but I swear you can sleep more at home, okay?” The hand was shaking him more persistently and Remus felt his chest heave a great sigh as he dragged his eyelids open, staring blearily at his surroundings.

The end of the school year had rounded out with a full moon the night before the train left Hogsmeade Station. Remus had just barely finished being checked out by Madam Pomfrey before he was bundled out the door to follow the gathering of students heading toward the train. James had to practically carry him down the stone path to the station platform, exhaustion weighing down every one of Remus’ bones until he could barely stand on his own two feet. He’d been sleeping since the moment James successfully got him laid down on the compartment bench.

“Hey… Sorry…” After rubbing the sleep out of his eyes, Remus pushed himself into a sitting position, glancing around him. To his surprise, Sirius was perched where his feet had been previously, quietly perusing the muggle novel Remus had kept tucked away in his jacket pocket for those quiet moments when he could steal a peek at a few pages.

James and Peter were sitting opposite them, James giving him a fond smile while Peter sat munching on the miniature mountain of sweets bundled on his lap. The bored look on Peter’s face said a lot and Remus had a feeling they’d remained in the compartment, quiet as ever, the entire ride home. Feeling a pang of both guilt and warmth, Remus shook himself out of his thoughts, stretching out his back. He felt his shoulder twinge sharply and tried to roll it out, gritting his teeth against the biting pains that jolted his nerves.

James gave him a worried look, something that distracted him enough that he didn’t notice Sirius shifting closer until he felt those heavy, long-fingered hands settle upon his shoulder. In a near perfect balance of gentle and firm, Sirius’ fingers began to slowly press in and out, working to massage the knotted pain from the muscles.

Remus found he could not bite back the involuntary groan of relief.

“What happened last night, Remus? Was it a bad moon?” He hated the underlying tone of guilt in Sirius’ voice. It carried the same weight as the glints he’d caught so many times in all of his friends’ eyes whenever he had a particularly bad transformation. He knew it was because they were berating themselves internally for not yet mastering their animagi forms and he hated that they blamed themselves so harshly for it.

“Could’ve been worse. Just managed to slam my shoulder against the door at an odd angle, I suppose. Madam Pomfrey fixed it up, it was worse before, but she mentioned it may be a bit sore for a few days. Mum’ll sort it out.” He made sure to meet each of their gazes steadily with a reassuring smile, patting Sirius’ hand in thanks as the train finally clipped to a halt, ready for its passengers to disembark.

As the boys stepped from the train down onto the platform, they spotted Regulus standing a little ways away, watching Sirius with a bored expression on his face. Sirius smirked and turned back to his friends.

“Well, looks like Mummy dearest sent Reg to fetch me. Guess I’ll have to be off then.” Sirius grabbed James’ neck in a fierce side hug, James kissing the boy’s temple affectionately, then turned to run through his little handshake routine with Peter before finally turning to face Remus.

Remus didn’t hesitate to wrap Sirius in a firm embrace, squeezing just enough that Sirius could feel the steady thump of the boy’s heart through his skin and tee shirt. Leaning back, Remus boldly reached a hand up to cradle Sirius’ cheek for a brief moment, catching the other boy by surprise before a fond smile graced his lips.

“Aw come on, Re, don’t go all mushy on me. I’ll be okay.” Remus’ eyes searched his own, their honeyed depths searching for any hint of worry or fear. What he found must’ve satisfied him because he finally nodded and stepped away from Sirius.

“Take care of yourself, alright?” Sirius nodded, turning to the side where he saw Regulus scowling at him, clearly impatient at having to wait so long. A look that suddenly changed into one of surprised embarrassment as his brother’s gaze flicked away. Sirius’ face turned puzzled before he felt someone slam into his side in a warm hug.

“Sirius! Have a lovely summer, darling. Write if you can, okay?” His gaze met Marlene’s familiar blue eyes as he noted she, Mary, and Lily had all come to say their last goodbyes to the boys before heading off with their families. _Ah, no wonder little Reggie was so shell shocked just now,_ Sirius thought to himself.

“I’m afraid I can’t promise, but I will try, Marls. Mummy often has issues with me sending letters, but we’ll see how this summer goes I suppose.” She gave him a frown that he quickly waved off with a nonchalant grin, giving the three girls a hearty wave as they strode off to find their families. Sirius turned once more to follow Regulus when a hand suddenly grasped his wrist.

“Wait, Pads! I almost forgot!” Sirius, raising a wary eyebrow, turned again to face James who was now digging through his messenger bag. Sirius watched as Remus rolled his eyes, tapping James on the shoulder as he cleared his throat and held something out in his hand to the other boy.

“Looking for something, James?” The boy in question flushed slightly and brushed a flustered hand through his shaggy black hair, grabbing the small parcel from Remus’ hand quickly.

“Right, yeah. Anyway, Sirius, Remus and I want you to take one of these. Last summer… well let’s just say we spent too much time worrying and don’t want to go gray prematurely, alright? Just… promise you’ll keep in touch, yeah?” Glancing at his hand, Sirius felt his body jolt in surprise as he recognized one of the two small ornate gold mirrors James had been given by his parents back during spring holidays.

The mirrors had really been a present for both Remus and James, though the former refused to accept his half, with the intention of giving the two a means of communication before and after Remus’ transformations. They had come in handy over the last months with not only that, but also to pull off some pretty impressive pranks (at least in the marauders’ opinions).

Sirius felt a hot swell of emotion in his throat which he cleared loudly, eyes blinking rapidly as he swallowed down tears and met the warm gazes of James and Remus. He nodded once, tucking the mirror safely into his pocket, and whispered a soft, but heartfelt, thank you before finally walking off, disappearing into the crowd just a step behind Regulus.

_There’s a way, everybody says, to do each and every little thing,_

_But what does it bring if I ain’t got you?_

“So how’s Grimmauld Place been?”

James and Remus exchanged a subtle look at the annoyed scoff Sirius gave through the small compact mirror in James’ palm, the boys not missing the quick flash of fear passing over their friend’s face. They were a few weeks into summer holidays and, so far, Sirius had managed to call them for a few minutes each night, ensuring his friends that he was okay. This was the first time they’d seen any sign that it may not be.

“Rubbish, as always. Could be worse though. For some reason, they seem to be… better? I don’t really know. I haven’t been doing as much to annoy them, I suppose, just little bits here and there, but they’re almost ignoring me. For the most part anyway…” The subtle hint of hurt ghosting Sirius’ tone did not escape Remus’ keen ears and the boy filed the information away for later, focusing now on cheering his friend up.

“Perhaps you’ve learned how to mature a bit in your old age, Pads.” Remus smirked at the appalled splutter from Sirius’ mouth.

“Moony! Ugh, turning my words against me. I know I’m older than you lot, but I’m not old, you arseholes.” Though his words were edged with sarcastic annoyance, his eyes were alight with mischief and joy and Remus felt a jolt of pride race down his spine. Then, Sirius sighed, catching Remus’ attention again.

“I reckon I’ve got to go now though. I was told to be ‘properly dressed and ready for company’ by nine tomorrow morning. Not looking forward to it at all, but yeah, can’t piss off Mummy, can I.” Remus gently reached a hand out to take the mirror from James, holding the glass up to his face so he could look directly into Sirius’ eyes.

“It’ll be okay, Sirius. Call us tomorrow night, yeah? Same time, if you can.” Sirius watched him for a moment, eyes flickering over each freckle and scar lining Remus’ lightly tanned skin before nodding.

“Yeah… I will. Goodnight, Moony. Night, Prongs.”

The mirror’s image faded with a soft whooshing noise and Remus was left watching his own worried reflection in the mirror. He shook himself slightly, handing the mirror carefully back to James before settling back against the pillow-lined headboard of James’ bed.

Remus could feel James’ gaze on him, practically burning holes into his very skin from the intensity of the look. He wanted to just ignore his brother. He knew exactly what was going through James’ head, exactly what he was trying to get Remus to talk about in his very indirect method, but Remus just did not have the energy to deal with that particular train of thought that night.

“Leave it, James…” He closed his eyes, hand rubbing at his temple as a headache began to pulse its way through his skull. When he reopened his eyes, he flinched as he saw nothing but the wide, brown-eyed gaze of James Potter a literal two inches away from his nose. Instinctively, a hand came up and shoved James in the chest, launching him gently back onto the bedspread with a noise of surprise. Remus rolled his eyes at the pout forming on James’ mouth as he turned to sit on the edge of the bed, steadying his feet beneath him to stand.

He really should’ve been expecting the hand that grasped his arm firmly, holding him in place.

“Sorry, Remus, but I can’t let it go any longer. You’re going to explode if you keep it all bottled up. Look what happened last time! You shouted my and Lily’s ears off in the middle of the Hogwarts library.” Remus threw James an irritated look, but flopped back onto the bed knowing James wouldn’t give up until he’d at least gotten something out of him.

“What do you want me to say, James? That I acknowledge my feelings for him? That I understand his mark matches mine? Don’t you get it? Every fiber of my being knows how much I love him, how important he is to me down to my fucking soul apparently! I don’t need to say it out loud to know that. Saying it… reminding myself that it’s there… it’s so painful, James. I know you’ll probably tell me it’ll work out in the end or some other optimistic bullshit like that because that’s who you are. Don’t get me wrong, it’s an incredible thing and it amazes me in the most incredible way every single day to see how positive you can be no matter the circumstance… but I’m not like that.”

“But, Remus, can’t you see? You _know_ for a _fact_ that your marks match now! Fate has put you two together for a reason and that’s because your souls will fight to be together through anything. It’s probably why you’re so determined not to mess up your friendship with him.” Remus felt the anger start to boil up inside of him, unwanted but still bubbling up uncontrollably.

“James, enough! You just don’t get it, okay? Your match is _easy._ Sure, she hasn’t realized yet, but there’s nothing about a relationship between you and Lily that would make the path difficult. With me and Sirius? Every fucking obstacle you could possibly throw in our way is there, waiting to trip us up and watch us crumble and burn. We’re both hot-headed and stubborn, we’re two men who have been decidedly straight for most of our lives being thrown into a homosexual relationship, and, oh yeah, I’m cursed to deal with my god damn lycanthropy and all the shit it brings with it for the rest of my life!”

Remus felt the breaths panting heavily from his mouth, the anger dissipating from his veins almost as quickly as it came on. The bewildered look on James’ face sent a pang of guilt through his chest and he dropped his head into his hand, brushing shaky fingers through his curls. James cleared his throat.

“Feel better?” Remus sighed.

“Not really…” His voice was much softer now, all the energy seeming to have evaporated from his body in a flash. “Look, James, just… I’ve gone this long successfully remaining his friend and not letting my feelings take control, I can do it for longer. I can do it for as long as I need to. Maybe… Maybe you’re right and telling him would lead to that happily ever after everyone always dreams of, but… maybe it won’t. He deserves so much more than I can give him, not because I don’t want to, no. I’d give him every ounce of strength and love I have if it meant he could have whatever his heart desired, but being bitten took that chance away from me. He deserves one of those soulmates they talk about in the fairy tales, ones where everything is perfect and beautiful and nobody feels any pain. That’s not me… and it never will be.” 

_You don’t know what it’s like_

_To love somebody the way I love you._

This summer had, so far, been a bit of a strange one for Sirius. As usual, he was ignoring the burning anger and fear at being back in Grimmauld Place yet again and trying to focus on pleasing ‘Mummy dearest’ enough that he could avoid being smacked around without making himself sick to his stomach.

Fortunately for him, it seemed that both Black parents were quite distracted this time around. Orion and Walburga had barely even spoken a single word to Sirius since he’d returned home from school. He didn’t want to complain about the lack of screaming insults and late night first-aid kit raids, but it was such an odd change of pace that Sirius found himself approaching each corner warily as if something lurked just beyond his line of sight.

At least that had been the case until last night. The Black family had just finished their usual ‘sit-down-and-be-all-fancy-for-no-reason’ dinner and Sirius finally had the opportunity to slip away to his room when his mother had called him back to the table in her usual shrill, nasally tone. He had reluctantly spun back around, plopping into the seat he’d occupied before, just beside Regulus who looked just as confused. It wasn’t unusual, per say, for Walburga to order Sirius around, but given how they’d been treating Sirius over the past month, it certainly came as a surprise.

“Now, Sirius. We have company coming to the manor tomorrow morning and I require you to be there. You must be up and dressed properly in your nicest robes tomorrow by nine o’clock sharp, do you hear me?” Sirius exchanged a puzzled glance with his brother who shrugged, looking down at his empty supper plate with a rather bored expression that made Sirius feel a small bloom of pride. It wasn’t often Regulus showed those hints of his old self around Sirius anymore and he couldn’t help but cherish each one. He cleared his throat, turning his attention back to his mother who waited impatiently.

“May I ask what the occasion is? Typically, you want me to steer clear of company so as not to, you know, ‘sully the Black family name’ and all that nonsense.” He could practically hear the grinding of the old bag’s teeth as she gave him a vicious glare.

“You are nearly sixteen now, Sirius, and it’s time we start looking to settle you in with a fine, _pure_ match. There are a few options out there your father and I have agreed are acceptable and the first of them is coming tomorrow to meet you. As you well know, it is the woman’s choice ultimately whether the match will be accepted or not so _do as you’re told._ ” Sirius felt the blood drain from his face, feeling numbness spread to his very fingertips. She was right, he had known it would be coming eventually, but the abruptness of it caught him off guard. He swallowed against the bile burning in his throat, ignoring the concerned looks Regulus was slyly throwing him.

“And…And if I don’t?” He cursed his abnormally reckless mouth as soon as the words escaped it and flinched back as his mother leapt up from her seat, wand in hand. She muttered an unknown spell and Sirius felt the icy squeeze of magic collapsing his throat, his hand flailing out to grasp the nearest thing in alarm. Regulus’ hand gave a panicked squeeze back.

“You will listen to me, Sirius Orion Black, or I will make you pay dearly. Those filthy little school friends of yours may have given you all these wretched ideas about muggles and half-breeds, but _you will learn your place._ ” Sirius watched the edges of his vision start to blur into a cloudy mixture of shadow and light as he struggled for air.

“Mother, please…” In the moment of distraction, Walburga’s magic lost its unwavering hold and Sirius gulped in desperate breaths, collapsing to the floor below his seat as all his strength sapped from his body. Beside where his head was curled over his knees stood Regulus, giving his mother a nervous, yet determined, look. “May I… I’ll take Sirius to bed. Make sure he’s well rested and ready for his appointment tomorrow morning. Would that be alright?”

His bitch of a mother always did have a soft spot for Regulus. It came as no surprise when her face softened into something that may have resembled motherly if it weren’t for the permanently pinched features resulting from years of scowling and being an all-around horrible human being. Sirius fought back the flinch he felt jolting his nerves as he heard her heels clacking across the wooden floors, approaching Regulus.

“What a good son you are, my boy. Fine then. Take him up with you. Perhaps you can knock some sense back into him.” She turned to leave the room, but not without giving Sirius one final blow, digging her foot sharply into his chest from where he crouched. Sirius ignored the pain, staring fixedly at a darkened knot in the wood paneling of the floor until the sound of footsteps blurred into silence.

“My god, Sirius.” He felt gentle hands settle beneath his arm, guiding him back into a standing position. He swayed slightly, still dizzy from the lack of oxygen, and allowed his brother to hold him upright until he felt his feet more solidly beneath him.

“Thank you…” His voice was raspy, a sound that made him wince. “Me and my big mouth, huh?” His laugh echoed dully, humorless and dry. He could practically feel Regulus’ eyes rolling as his brother sighed and began pulling Sirius in the direction of the staircase.

“I’d say one day you’ll learn not to be so stupid, but I’m smarter than you apparently.” Sirius let out a laugh, finally feeling his legs enough to start taking his own weight as they reached the top of the stairs and pushed through the doorway to Sirius’ room. Sirius collapsed onto the side of his bed, gesturing to the bed for Regulus to sit too, as he reached into his nightstand and pulled out the mirror.

Regulus watched with worried eyes as Sirius made his usual nightly call to James and Remus. It shouldn’t have been as surprising as it was that Sirius could put on an act so convincing and yet Regulus found himself caught off guard as a grand smile lit his brother’s face and he joked back and forth as though nothing was wrong, as if he hadn’t just been nearly suffocated by his own mother mere minutes before.

Eventually, Sirius said his goodbyes, the joyful mask falling almost as soon as the mirror’s connection faded. Regulus continued to watch with a keen eye as Sirius sat unmoving on the bed, giving him several looks before nodding in acceptance of his brother’s silence and turning to head back out of the room. Neither boy was expecting Sirius to fling his hand out and grab Regulus’ wrist, grip squeezing a bit tighter to stop the boy’s movement.

Sirius probably would’ve laughed at the surprise painted across Regulus’ face when the boy turned back around to face him, expect Sirius wasn’t looking up. His gaze was fixed on the wall opposite his bed, teeth digging harshly into his bottom lip.

“Stay… please?” The words came as a soft whisper, nearly impossible for Regulus to actually make out. Regulus hesitated, just for a brief moment, before making himself comfortable under Sirius’ covers, patting the section of bed beside him invitingly.

It was with the comforting warmth of someone safe and the steady beating of a heart beneath his ear that Sirius Black fell asleep that night.

_You ain’t got to be so blind and I’m blind, so, so, so blind._

_I’m a man. Can’t you see what I am?_

The next morning came far too quickly for Sirius’ liking, his brain stumbling awake to the insistent shaking of his brother against his shoulder.

“Siri, come on. You can’t upset mother again, not after last night. It’s time to get up; you’ve got forty-five minutes to be ready!” Sighing, Sirius half-heartedly pushed himself into a sitting position and blinked his eyes open, wincing at the sharp brightness beaming in through the window. Regulus was stood in front of him holding out a hanger with his neatly pressed dress robes adorning it.

“You can get through this, Sirius, and you can do it without pissing her off. I’m not saying you should go through with it. Hell, I don’t blame you for not wanting to…” His brother’s voice trailed off at this, peaking Sirius’ interest. He filed the information away, intending to bring it up later. Seems like his dear old brother was more inclined to ignore Mummy’s ideals than Sirius knew. “Anyway, just do something to make the girl hate you without mother knowing and the family will decline the marriage arrangement.”

Standing up and grabbing his clothes from Regulus’ hand, Sirius ruffled an affectionate hand through his brother’s wavy locks and gave him a warm smile.

“Thanks, Reg. Always knew I could count on you.”

Sirius was promptly stood in the Black Manor parlor at nine o’clock sharp as requested though it was with an irritated scowl on his face and a slump to his shoulders. He picked lazily at the threads of the stuffy charcoal sofa lining the far wall of the room, ignoring his surroundings as the sounds of the doorbell ringing and the muffled chatter of voices filled the silence.

It wasn't until he heard the door creak open and his mother’s voice begin to introduce him properly, in that sickeningly sweet way she did when trying to impress someone, that Sirius looked up. Following his mother into the room was a tall, severe faced man with furrowed brows leading a much more petite girl by the elbow.

It wasn’t that Macy Flint wasn’t… pretty, though she certainly had an odd twist to her nose that resembled that of someone who’d been punched one too many times in the face. She was rather plain looking with pin straight dirty blonde hair and dark brown, nearly black, eyes. He knew she was a Slytherin in Regulus’ year at Hogwarts, but knew next to nothing else about the girl. She came forward elegantly, stretching out a delicate hand, with a flirtatious smile, for Sirius to kiss.

The four of them sat, his mother making uninteresting chatter with Mr. Flint while Kreacher set about making tea. Sirius could feel the girl’s fierce gaze burning into his cheek and risked a glance to the side, wincing internally at how close she was to him. He cleared his throat and worked his magic.

It didn’t take long for Ms. Macy Flint to stand from the sofa with a huff and demand her father leave with her at once, renouncing the possible arrangement between her and Sirius. He had been quite careful to keep his voice as low as possible, avoiding his mother’s keen ears, while asking her several rather presumptuous and rude questions.

His tactics had apparently been successful. While his mother gave him a stern frown, even she could not argue with a woman calling off the marriage when Sirius had been behaving as a perfect gentlemen, from what she had noticed anyway. Instead, she sent him to his room once more with a promise of another marriage appointment the following week that she expected better results from.

Sirius could practically feel the aching radiating from his soul.

_In my brain, I see your face again._

_I know my frame of mind._

The echoing knocks at his door were becoming persistently louder, but Sirius was determined to continue actively ignoring them for as long as possible. He could hear his brother’s aggravated sigh from beyond the solid oak.

_3… 2… 1…_

“Look, I knocked so I’m coming in and you’re going to deal with it.” Sirius rolled his eyes at his brother’s predictability and finally looked up from where he’d been casually lounging across his bed, muggle novel in hand. Regulus was watching from the now open doorway with a look of exasperated irritation as he came to perch himself on the bed by Sirius’ hip.

“Another successful failure, huh?” Sirius snorted at the irony of that statement, turning to meet Regulus’ concerned gaze. He sighed, looking down at his fingers which picked nervously at each other.

“This is the eleventh failed marriage appointment this summer. She’s been trying for nearly two months now; hell we go back to school in just two weeks! When is she going to finally give up on me, Reg? I don’t know how much longer I can keep doing this…” Regulus grabbed his hands, gently stopping his incessant picking before he made himself bleed.

“Just think, we’ll be back at school soon, like you said. She can’t have you do any more while you’re there. Just a while longer, okay Siri?”

“It hurts… Every time I have to put on a show for these girls, I feel my soul mark aching like… like doing this, trying to fight it, is breaking my soulmate’s heart. You have no idea what that’s like.” Regulus gave a little cough, but said nothing. Sirius let out a harsh laugh, emotionally drained, and leaned against his brother’s shoulder.

“You know, I still have no idea who my soulmate is… But I know yours.” He felt Regulus stiffen at that and felt a mischievous grin spread across his lips for the first time in over a month. “What, didn't _you_ know?”

“Of course, I know, just didn’t think you did.” Sirius watched his brother’s cheeks flush with embarrassment, an odd glint lighting his eyes, one Sirius had never seen before.

“You know, every time I think you can’t surprise me more, you go and do it. I was so certain you shared our parents’ belief about soulmates and how the marks are rubbish and aren’t real. You’ve never shown any interest in your mark, after all, but… You do believe in it, don’t you.” His voice was soft, not accusatory or jeering, but it still seemed to make Regulus flinch all the same.

“I didn’t always…” Sirius hadn’t expected Regulus to reply, the quiet confession catching him off guard. “But then… well, it didn’t take me long to figure it out, a couple of months into first year maybe. It scared me, everything about her goes against our family’s beliefs… I started keeping an eye on her from afar during beginning of last year. You’ve noticed it, I’m sure but… the Slytherins, they’re getting more and more out of hand with their attacks every day. I wanted her to be safe. Then the day came when she bumped into me… I could see it in her eyes that she realized and I was such a coward, running away.”

Regulus scratched a hand through his hair, sighing in annoyance at himself.

“Hey, Reg. It’s okay. You’re allowed to make mistakes. What’s important is learning from them and taking action to repair them.” Regulus gave him a smirk, shoving his shoulder playfully.

“Yes, oh wise big brother of mine. When did you become so mature?” He’d been grinning, but Sirius watched as it slowly faded again.

“I just hope to one day be the type of man she deserves. She’s a firecracker, so bright and fierce. It’s quite blinding at times.” Sirius nodded, understanding quite well how Marlene could be. He felt that ache in his chest, one becoming troublingly familiar over the past months as he remembered he still was unaware of who his soulmate was. He wanted nothing more than to find them and give them all the love he could muster up.

“I’m sorry you haven’t found your match yet, Siri. I really am… But you will. You… You’re a good man and you deserve to be happy, to be with the one meant for you.” Sirius felt a tear trickle down his cheek, wiping it gently away as he gripped his brother in a warm side hug.

“You too, Reg… You too.”

_I live and I breathe for you, but what good does it do_

_If I ain’t got you._

That night Sirius found himself tossing and turning in bed, sleep relentlessly eluding him until he threw himself from under the covers in frustration. He paced the room for a few moments, mentally warring with his thoughts, before giving up and grabbing the mirror from his beside table. It was only a few moments before James’ face appeared on the screen, hair askew and glasses thrown haphazardly onto his face.

“Pads? What time is it?” Sirius bit his lip, guilt swallowing him as he realized he’d woken his friend, and for what? His brain not shutting up about figuring out who his soulmate was? Clearly, James could sense exactly what Sirius’ brain was thinking as the boy became more serious and he spoke again. “Hey, Sirius. It’s okay. Don’t be sorry for waking me or anything. I’m always here for you, yeah?”

Sirius gave a hesitant nod, feeling silly. They’d just spoken mere hours ago, Sirius giving James and Remus his usual update on life in Grimmauld Place and assuring them he was alive and well.

“I know, Prongs. You’re the best mate I could ask for. I just… It’s silly, I know, but I can’t stop thinking about it. I’ve gone through so many people in my head, classmates and students from any year I could come up with and I still can’t figure it out!” Sirius felt the frustration tinged anger bubble up inside him, fingers pulling at his hair.

“Hey, hey, Pads. Stop that, alright? You’ve worked hard for that hair, don’t pull it out now.” Sirius gave a gentle laugh at that; James always knew how to cheer him up. “Now, I assume you’re talking about your soulmate?” Sirius nodded, then gave James a searching look.

“You… You know who mine is, don’t you.” He hadn’t wanted to admit it to himself, not trusting what his reaction would be to his best friend withholding the information from him, but he needed to know, the ache in his bones becoming too much. He watched as James gave him a long look, eyes darting across his face in search of some sign that may direct what he says next.

“Yeah… I do.” A sharp intake of breath was the only response Sirius could make. “Let me explain myself? I wouldn’t blame you for being upset, but please, I do have my reasons.” At Sirius’ nod, James continued. “Firstly, my suspicions were just that up until earlier this year so I haven’t known for sure for a long time. Second, once I was made aware that my hunch _was_ right, I swore to your match that I wouldn’t tell. They’ve asked to… do it on their own time. I had to respect that, Padfoot.”

Sirius let out a long breath, one he didn’t know he’d been holding in. Any hurt and anger he’d been feeling dissipated rather quickly. He berated himself for ever doubting his trust in James and felt a brotherly pride well up in him at the fact that James had protected Sirius’ soulmate without even being asked. It was a loyalty like no other and Sirius would forever be grateful for it.

“No, I… Thank you, for telling me and for giving my soulmate what they needed. I appreciate it more than you’ll ever know.” He felt his hand clench around the mark on his chest unconsciously, that aching pain coursing through it once again. “Please… can you tell me anything? It hurts so much, James… the waiting, the not knowing…”

“It’s going to be okay, Pads.” Sirius forced himself to inhale deeply, working to calm himself, as James sat silent for a few moments. He saw so many emotions flicker over his friend’s face before the boy finally opened his mouth to speak again.

“Sirius, I want you to listen to me very carefully, okay?” The tone of James’ voice had changed, alarming Sirius who sat up quickly and turned his full attention on James’ face in the mirror. “Your mark is a moon, right? Sometimes… Sometimes with our marks, we overthink it too much. We keep looking at the smallest details, when really the big picture has all the answers we need. _Think,_ Sirius. When you think of the moon, who is the first person that comes to mind?”

Sirius answered without hesitation, without thought.

“Well, Remus, obviously. You know, the whole werewolf thing really–”

James raised an eyebrow as Sirius’ voice suddenly cut off, watching the realization dawn on his friend’s face. Sirius’ jaw opened and closed a few times, though nothing came out except for slightly labored breathing.

_That can’t be right… I would’ve… I would’ve known, right? There’s no way I could go all these years by his side and not know!_

“James, y-you’re certain?” Sirius didn’t really need to ask, the pieces all fit too perfectly for it to be untrue and James would never lie to him, not about something like this at least.

“As sure as I am that Lily Evans is my own match.” _Very certain, then._ James continued. “Sirius, you remember, back when you were with Marlene, I asked you one very simple question.” Sirius knew immediately what question James was referring to. He swallowed heavily past the lump in his throat.

“James, what color are Remus’ eyes…?”

“Hazel.” James’ reply was without any ounce of hesitation and accompanied by a smirk. 

_Amber. Deep, golden amber that seem to swirl and glint like melted pools of silk honey._

It was inevitable. Remus Lupin was his soulmate.

_You don’t know what it’s like_

_To love somebody the way I love you._


	10. Can't Fight The Moonlight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Song Inspiration: Can't Fight The Moonlight by LeAnn Rimes

_Under the lovers’ sky, gonna be with you and no one’s gonna be around._

_If you think that you won’t fall, well just wait until the sun goes down._

Words couldn’t quite describe the vivid relief Sirius felt at stepping onto off train platform and disappearing behind the solid metal body of the Hogwarts Express, away from the prying eyes of his mother. It was the first time in two and a half months that he felt he could breathe properly, lungs expanding deeply in a cathartic sigh as the tension bled from his muscles.

He turned at the feel of a tentative hand on his shoulder, catching sight of Regulus’ worried gaze as he stepped into the corridor behind him. Flashing a reassuring smile, Sirius urged his brother forward, silently insisting he go seek out his friends and cease his worrying. Regulus rolled his eyes, raising his hands in defeat, before sauntering forward, tossing one final glance back at him before disappearing into a nearby compartment.

Sirius felt the smile fall slowly from his lips as he berated himself for making his brother worry. The last thing Sirius wanted was for Regulus to get pulled into the mess that was his relationship with his parents, but clearly the boy could not help but act on that stubborn protective instinct. Sirius found himself thinking, not for the first time, that Regulus would’ve made a fair Gryffindor if his knack for self-preservation and cool ambition weren’t the two traits keeping him from giving the Black’s two ‘failed’ sons.

Shaking himself from where he’d drifted into his thoughts, Sirius made his way down the lengthy corridor of the train, peeking through the windows of each compartment until he caught sight of a familiar messy swath of black hair. _Figures James would be the most notable of the bunch,_ Sirius thought to himself with a fond shake of his head. It was as he pushed the door open that he found himself caught off guard, body frozen in the open doorway.

His gaze immediately latched onto one thing and one thing only.

Scorching fire pricked beneath his skin, flooding his senses with an overwhelming feeling of heat and longing. He was lost within a gaze of gilded gold, the heat pouring over him in a gentle, yet unwavering, flood, soothed immediately by the sweetness of ambered honey.

It was the second time in so many weeks that Sirius Black had felt the searing burn of breathlessness, but while the first instance was a piercing cold shattering through his body, this was the comforting warmth to bring him back to life, to that sense of home.

“Padfoot!” Sirius didn’t even feel it when James pounced at him from where he’d been perched on the edge of the weathered train bench, but he did feel the slamming pressure of the wall as his unprepared muscles unsuccessfully bore the brunt of the boy’s weight. James didn’t seem to mind their new found position, merely curling into a more comfortable position sprawled across Sirius’ lap and ruffling a hand through his hair.

“Well uh… Hi, Prongs.” Sirius could not hold back a surprised huff of laughter, though it quickly shifted to a groan of annoyance as James began grasping at every inch of his face in search of any sign of injury. “James, I’m fine. Now get off me, you wanker.” James, unsuspecting of Sirius’ arms shoving him from the boy’s lap, found himself on the floor of the compartment, a furious pout blooming in response to the pealing laughter spilling from his friends’ mouths.

Though every nerve in Sirius’ body still felt as though it had been replaced with live wires, the tension from before had been broken and he found himself relaxing with each passing second, though his gaze had pointedly avoided meeting Remus’ again. He distracted himself from the ebbing sting by reaching a hand out to James, hauling the boy to his feet. The wonderful thing about James Potter was that he had an infectious smile. It was inevitable that once the other boy started to grin your way, as he was doing to Sirius right then, you had no chance of avoiding the uptick, be it small or grand, of your own lips in return.

“Merlin, Prongs, you act like you haven’t seen me in years. Miss my pretty face that much, did you? Not like you spent half the summer badgering me through the mirror or anything.” With a playful scowl on his lips, James ruffled a hand firmly through Sirius’ hair causing the other boy to maneuver himself in a wiggling motion to escape it. This, of course, led to him tipping off balance, landing horizontal on the compartment bench with his head resting softly in Remus’ lap.

Remus, abruptly interrupted by the dark head of hair now covering his book, merely raised an eyebrow at Sirius, a slight smirk shaping his mouth which Sirius was _most definitely_ and _completely not_ looking at. Though, Sirius had to admit, while looking at Remus’ mouth was certainly not _helping_ the current waves of electricity coursing through his nerves, it was easier to look at than the boy’s eyes.

“Hello there, Sirius.”

Sirius sat up in a flash, not liking the way that a mere greeting from the other boy could affect him so. This wasn’t how it was supposed to go. He had made a promise to James the very night he discovered the truth about his soul mark. He would not betray the trust of his brother or of Remus for that matter – despite how unsuspecting the other boy was.

_“Holy shit, James. How did I not realize it before? It feels so obvious now… I’m such an idiot. The signs were all there I mean rea –”_

_“Sirius.”_

_Sirius found himself cutting off his words at the strained and... concerned, maybe… tone of James’ voice, the atmosphere surrounding their conversation shifting immediately. He watched James bite his lip, something he only did when he was truly nervous, as his eyes shifted to look anywhere but directly at Sirius through the mirror._

_“James, what is it? You’re worrying me. Is something wrong? Is Remus okay?” The tinge of panic in his own voice surprised Sirius, though he couldn’t deny that Remus’ safety had always been something of importance to him. James let out a rough sigh, swiping a shaky hand through his bedraggled hair._

_“Look, there’s something you need to know about all of this. Remus has known the truth for two years.” Though he didn’t feel his expression change, it must have to spark the immediate defense James responded with. “Don’t be angry with him, please. He… I think deep down he wanted nothing more than to tell you, to be honest with you, Sirius. You’re so important to him, to all of us…”_

_Sirius remained silent, waiting for James to continue. In hindsight, it was quite impressive, actually, for him to remain without interrupting for such a period of time._

_“What I’m trying to say is… Don’t just jump into this with him. I suppose I don’t really know how you’re feeling about all of it, but Remus has been having a really tough time with it. He… well, you know how he is. He doesn’t think he’s worth the trouble, deserving of having a soulmate like you. He’s set in his belief that you’ll be far happier without him causing so much turmoil in your life and I haven’t been able to convince him otherwise. Hell, not even Lily has been able to.”_

_Sirius frowned, trying to process what James had said. He supposed it made sense. Remus had never been the confident one of their group and, given his less than savory relationship with his father, Sirius couldn’t say the thoughts, no matter how untrue, were out of left field._

_“James… I don’t want to leave him thinking like that… I-I can’t really say how I’m feeling about it all. It’s rather new and I never considered my match might be another b-boy, let alone one of my best friends. It’s a lot to take in, but I can’t let him go on thinking he’s not worth it or that he doesn’t deserve me… Neither of those beliefs are even remotely true.”_

_“I know, Sirius. I never doubted that would be how you’d feel, but… You need to give yourself the time to process this and come to understand what it means to you, finding out Remus is your match. If you jump into this and end up hurting him because you weren’t prepared for what it all means… I think it would break him.” Sirius felt a panging ache in his chest at the thought._

_“Just promise me you’ll take it slow. One step at a time, yeah?”_

_“Yeah, okay. I promise.”_

Following that conversation, Sirius had spent many a sleepless night trying to figure all of this out in his brain, unweaving the intricate details piece by piece. So far he’d come to the conclusion that he really didn’t mind his soulmate being a boy. It hadn’t been an easy realization to come to, but with a little helpful guidance from Regulus, who Sirius had confided in almost immediately, he broke through the hateful rhetoric his mother had drilled into him about how being gay or anything similar was wrong.

It had been the piece of the puzzle Sirius focused on the most since learning of his match, not yet daring to delve into his possible feelings for Remus himself quite yet. Thinking more on it, Sirius had come to the tentative conclusion that perhaps he fit into the category of bisexual. He'd had no issue with dating Marlene or finding girls attractive in the past and the thought of being with a boy did not give him any issue in theory. He found he felt the most comfortable wearing that label.

Now, face to face with Remus himself, Sirius wished he had taken more time to sort through the other thoughts filling his head as he scrambled to determine how to balance his friendship and the new knowledge of his soul match. Part of him, that impulsive Gryffindor nature of his, wanted to disregard everything James had made him swear to do and shout to the heavens that he’d found his soulmate.

That was a thought he quickly tossed aside.

He and Remus had been friends a long time, going on five years now. Friendship was easy, something he could walk through the motions of with his eyes closed. Steeling himself with a deep breath, Sirius turned from where he’d been facing away from Remus, meeting the boy’s eyes with a fond smile. He winced internally at the sight of poorly disguised hurt in Remus’ eyes, cursing himself for letting his nerves get the better of him, though he calmed as it faded into a tentative happiness at his sudden change in demeanor.

“Alright, Moony?”

Yes, friendship was easy; he could do friendship.

_Underneath the starlight, there’s a magical feeling so right._

_It’ll steal your heart tonight._

As it turns out, Sirius could not do friendship as easily as he first thought.

It was only a few weeks into first term, a period of time which usually would be filled with nothing but mischief, brotherhood, and maybe a little studying here and there if the boys, aside from Remus, could be convinced to attempt it. This time, however, Sirius found himself spending those weeks in a daze, lost in his thoughts as he tried desperately to unravel all the pieces of whatever the hell was between him and Remus all while new obstacles were thrown in with each passing glance or shared smile.

There was a reason Sirius felt drawn to Remus that first day on the train, five years ago. He was sure part of it was the unconscious pulling of their souls towards one another, but he had no doubt in his mind that there was more to it. Remus didn’t even have to try to pull Sirius’ attention onto him, a fact Sirius was becoming more and more aware of as the days flew by and his understanding of his feelings for Remus became more solidified.

It was a rather pleasant day, weather wise, the day he finally figured it out. For late September in Scotland, it was rather warm, the gentle press of heat soothing, and the grounds were bathed in a muted golden glow as the sun made its ascent in the sky. The full moon was only a couple days away and Sirius found himself increasingly clingy when it came to watching Remus, ensuring the other boy was fairing okay with the coming transformation.

Perhaps it was the break from more frigid temperatures, but that day in particular had been a good one for Remus. His smiles seemed relaxed, lacking the persistent attempts to mask any pained grimaces. His pace was light and easy, not a limp or pause for rest in sight. His face was smooth and happy, eyes missing that tired purple tinge they so often adorned.

It certainly was a sight to behold and Sirius thanked every god and higher being he could think of for giving Remus that break from the seemingly endless suffering, even if it might only be for one day. It was, however, the abrupt change in weather that ultimately lead to Sirius’ final acceptance of his feelings for Remus Lupin.

The day had passed rather in a blur as the four boys went from class to class, yearning to spend just a few moments in what would probably be the last nice day of the year. To their good fortune, they were making their way down to the greenhouses, alongside the other fifth year Gryffindors and Ravenclaws, for Herbology when they crossed paths with Professor Sprout who gave the good news that class would be cancelled as it was ‘just too nice to be indoors today’ as she bounced along, an animated spring to her step.

Taking no time to hesitate, the students quickly dispersed, eager to utilize every extra minute of free time, especially seeing that Herbology was their last class of the day. The marauders were no exception, the boys turning to one another with elated grins as they collectively agreed to spend the afternoon down by the Black Lake. As they made their way across the grounds, Peter and James pulled ahead, lost in a conversation that seemed to be about something to do with flying nifflers strangely enough.

Sirius found himself walking beside Remus, their pace slow and easy. Sirius couldn’t seem to take his eyes off Remus, the other boy delighting in the warmth of the sun on his face as he raised it to the sky. His eyes fluttered shut against the beaming light drifting over his freckled skin, a soft uptick of his lips hinting at the hypnotic ease that poured out of him.

Sirius’ mind felt suddenly thrown back, memories from nearly an entire year ago flashing across his eyes as he recalled the night of his fifteenth birthday. They’d been in the bathroom. Sirius had followed Remus without question as the boy ran off suddenly, an almost terrified glint dulling his eyes. He hadn’t hesitated to hold back his friend’s hair as he fought the waves of sickness rolling through his body, a hand gently caressing Remus’ back. They had talked, about what Sirius couldn’t recall, but what he did remember was the smile Remus had given him just before he left.

How could he forget, really? He’d seen that same smile countless times since that night. It was the same smile Remus wore when he aced an exam or finished a particularly good book. The one he couldn’t fight on days when the sun brightened the world just a bit more than usual or he found a forgotten morsel of chocolate hidden in his robe pocket. However, it wasn’t until that very moment, as he watched all the vulnerabilities and tension bleed away from Remus’ body as he soaked up the comfort of a perfect day, that Sirius realized _he_ wanted to be the reason Remus smiled in that way, that distinctly Remus Lupin way.

Yes, it was in that very moment, as he distractedly stared at Remus who was now gazing back at him in surprised confusion, that Sirius realized he wanted more than just friendship with Remus, that their soulmate match was something he actually desired.

“Sirius, are you alright?” A startled flinch worked its way out of Sirius’ body at the sound of Remus’ voice. The boy had stepped toward him, pausing himself and Sirius in their movement to peer closer and ensure his friend was okay. Feeling a flush start bleeding its way onto his cheeks, Sirius cleared his throat and shook himself out of his thoughts which were currently drowned by blaring warning sirens of panic.

“Yeah. Yeah, of course!” Shoving the thoughts and panic back in his mind (conveniently into a box labeled ‘deal with this later’ which was currently overflowing), Sirius gave Remus a reassuring smile. “Race you to the lake!” He took off running, letting out an elated shout of laughter at Remus’ cursing reply, the agile thud of the boy’s feet sounding behind him.

Though the day was a good one, it unfortunately did not last long. The following days brought the usual Scottish rain and cold back with a fierce vengeance, leaving Remus weak and ailing with every sort of ache and pain you could think up. To the boys’ dismay, Remus could not even get himself out of bed long enough to attend classes, something unheard of as the stubborn boy typically fought with each breath to avoid missing them. Sirius, thoroughly worried about Remus’ condition, attempted to bunk off lessons himself in an effort to stay and keep Remus company, but his friend waved him off with a stern insistence that he help him by taking notes instead.

Reluctantly, Sirius had obliged, working to write out careful notes, just as he’d seen Moony do before. During their longer breaks throughout the day, Sirius would race back up to Gryffindor Tower and check in on Remus, worry tensing every muscle, only to find each time that Remus was fast asleep, curled into a protective ball as his body shuddered in pain.

It shouldn’t have been a surprise to any of them that Remus’ transformation that night was a particularly bad one.

With the collective efforts of both Sirius and James, they managed to haul Remus out of bed and down the stairs to the hospital wing, albeit rather slowly. Sirius could almost feel the stifled surprise from Madam Pomfrey when she witnessed the state Remus was in, but she merely pursed her lips and ushered the boys inside where they laid Remus down on a bed.

Madam Pomfrey insisted they return to their dormitories immediately after thanking the boys for aiding Remus in getting to her safely. Though it was the last thing either boy wanted to do, they nodded in agreement, for Remus’ sake, and ensured their friend they’d be back in the morning. Sirius chanced one final look at Remus just as the doors to the hospital were shutting behind him, catching a painful glimpse of the boy weakly pushing himself up out of bed to prepare for the walk to the shack.

Neither James or Sirius slept even a wink that evening, instead spending the hours reading page after page by candlelight as they worked more fiercely than ever before. Peter had tried his hardest to stay awake too, but within a couple of hours the boy had passed out and was currently snoring softly into his pillow. For once in their lives, Sirius and James read like Remus did, fingers eager to turn pages without question as they drank in each word as if it were their only supply of water in a great desert.

It wasn’t until the first streaks of light poked in through the mist covered glass of the windows that Sirius finally put down the book in his lap, unburying himself from the burrito of blankets he’d nestled into, quickly throwing on his shoes and Gryffindor jumper. James, who blinked up at him blearily from his own book, leapt into action too and the boys quickly made their way down to the hospital wing once more, disturbing into an exhausted looking Madam Pomfrey, though the warmth in her eyes told Sirius she was pleased to see them.

“I’m afraid it wasn’t a good night, my dears. I’ve done what I can, but… It’ll be a while before he’s fully back on his feet. He’ll be resting for quite a while, but as long as you promise to behave and keep quiet, I don’t mind you coming in to sit with him.” James and Sirius nodded, exhaling twin sighs of relief as they slowly stepped into the hospital wing.

The two of them could never have prepared themselves for the sight they saw as they rounded the curtain sheltering Remus from view.

Every visible portion of Remus’ skin was layered with bruises and cuts, both small and large. A particularly sizable gouge carved through the left side of his jaw and another lined the crest of his right cheekbone, reaching nearly to the bridge of his nose. It did not escape either boy’s notice that several of their friend’s limbs were splinted with thick bandages and a nearly empty bottle of skele-gro rested on the table beside Remus’ bed.

“Oh, Remus…” Sirius found himself stumbling forward, legs shaking with the shock of seeing someone he cared about in such pain. He sat down hard into the chair just to the left of Remus’ bed, hand immediately coming up to rest gently against Remus’ own as his thumb brushed softly across the calloused skin. He watched from the corner of his eye as James sat on the opposite side and it was there the two of them stayed, ignoring Madam Pomfrey’s hesitant attempts to send them to classes.

At one point, much later in the day, Remus came to consciousness for just a few minutes, eyes dazed from the effects of both the pain and sleep potions coursing through his system. He had noticed both Sirius and James resting quietly by his side and could not help the tears that began to drip from the corners of his eyes. With great care to avoid hurting the boy any further, Sirius reached up and brushed his hand across Remus’ forehead and into his curls, soothing his weeping with careful shushing and whispered promises.

_“I’ve got you, love. You’re okay.”_

_“You’re safe. I’m right here.”_

_“You’re so strong. It’s your turn to rest now.”_

It wasn’t until after Remus had fallen back to sleep, Sirius wiping away the last of the boy’s tears and covering him further with the blankets, that Sirius or James said a word to one another. James had merely watched, a protective wariness in his eyes, as Sirius comforted his brother, saying nothing as he kept his gaze on Sirius even after the boy sat back down. The two locked eyes, speaking without even opening their mouths.

They were in agreement: they would master their animagus forms before the next moon, no matter what the cost.

_You can try to resist, try to hide from my kiss._

_Deep in the dark, you’ll surrender your heart._

_But you know that you can’t fight the moonlight._

_It’s gonna get to your heart._

“MOONY!”

Remus groaned, head falling down onto the book in front of him as he ignored the giggle escaping Lily’s mouth across from him. It had been just over two weeks since the last full moon, one of the worst he’s had since he was bitten eleven years prior. The bruises had finally faded with only a few of the worst ones remaining to stain his skin a yellow-green as they healed the rest of the way. Many of the smaller cuts had healed over too, only some of the larger ones leaving behind scars. The worst of the cuts, which marred his face, had recently pinked over as the newly formed skin stitched its way together. Those would permanently scar, something which Remus still felt warring turmoil in his belly over.

“Moony! Come quick!”

Remus, who had sat back up again, sent a stormy glare in the direction of the boy’s dormitory staircase where Sirius’ voice was currently echoing down from. Rubbing tired hands over his eyes, Remus once again worked to ignore the call and focus on his homework in front of him. He’d missed more of his classes than he liked to think about while healing from the last full and he still had so much to catch up on.

“You know they’re just going to come down and get you eventually, right?” He glanced up, catching the dancing amusement in Lily’s green eyes as she watched him from where she leaned back in her chair, arms folded across her chest. He sighed and put his quill down, rolling out his shoulder which had stiffened in his hunched position.

“Yeah, you’re right.” He had just been bracing his legs to stand from his seat when he heard the pounding slaps of booted feet on the stone staircase. Looking up, he caught barely a flash of black hair and leather before a firm hand was grasping his wrist, dragging him off towards the stairs as he stumbled, working to get his feet under him.

“Padfoot, would you hold on a second?” Sirius did not slow in his strides until they approached the dormitory door which he quickly pulled open, shoved himself and Remus through, and pulled closed again. Finally able to steady himself, Remus rubbed at his wrist where Sirius had grabbed him, casually waving off the guilty glance Sirius sent him in return.

“You going to tell me what’s going on? I was in the middle of something you know.”

Remus felt his annoyance vanish immediately at the nervous looks being shared back and forth between Sirius, James, and Peter. James kept ushering Sirius forward as though waiting for him to speak, but the boy kept wringing his hands together nervously as he glanced from James to Remus and back again.

“Sirius…” The boy in question immediately met his gaze when Remus spoke. “It’s okay. What’s going on?” Remus made sure to keep his voice calm, not wanting Sirius to be any more freaked out than he already seemed. The atmosphere in the room made Remus tense, wanting nothing more than to escape the stifling feel of it, but it was clear his friends had something important to share.

“Well… um… Don’t get mad, okay? Merlin, I was really excited to tell you until now. What the hell is wrong with me? Okay…” Sirius’ hands, which had been flailing around nervously, were suddenly caught between Remus’ own as the boy gave him a fond smile.

“Calm down, Pads. I won’t get mad, unless of course you’ve done something stupid in which case I can’t –” Remus broke off as Sirius bit his lip awkwardly. “Sirius, _did_ you do something stupid?” Sirius opened his mouth to answer, but nothing came out. Remus’ worry spiked.

“Sirius, just say it. It was really your plan in the first place, so it’s only right you be the one to tell him.” Remus rolled his eyes as Sirius shot James an irritated glare.

“Oh yes, James, that makes me feel loads better. ‘Just say it,’ gee, why didn’t I think of that!” Remus could barely hold back his stifled laughter at the drawling sarcasm in Sirius’ voice and James’ unimpressed look in return. He cleared his throat.

“If we could get back to the matter at hand, please?”

“Right…” Sirius immediately fell back into his nervous demeanor, temporary distraction gone. “Okay so, you remember a couple years back… when we said we wanted to help you find a way to be safer during the full moons?” Remus nodded, unsure of where this was going. He had two hunches, neither of them particularly good in his mind. Sirius took several deep breaths, licking his lips anxiously. Suddenly, a frustrated groan left his mouth. “Oh sod it, I’ll just show you since I can’t get my shit together apparently!”

Before he knew it, Remus was on the floor, eyes blinking up at a… large, black… dog?

“What the fuck…?” The dog barked, licking Remus’ cheek enthusiastically before hopping off his chest and prancing around the room animatedly, dipping down to wag its tail in the air playfully every few seconds. Remus sat up, blinking, and realized there was not _just_ a random dog in their dorm.

Before him stood a towering stag, head swiveling side to side as though it wasn’t quite sure what to do with the branching antlers upon its head, and, by his feet, sat a petite brown rat with beady eyes staring up at him. Remus blinked once, twice, then rubbed at his eyes repeatedly, trying to convince himself he had merely fallen asleep on his textbooks downstairs and this was all some crazy dream.

_There is no way my friends were actually stupid enough to become animagi without any proper training or supervision or anything._ But as soon as Remus thought it, the truth became clear. If anyone was actually stupid enough to do it, it was the marauders. If anyone was actually clever enough and brave enough to even attempt it at age fifteen, it was the marauders.

If anyone loved their friends enough, were loyal enough to the very bone, to put their bodies through day after day, hour after hour, of preparation and training to provide someone they care about what something that could keep them safe from harm or loneliness as they suffer an illness that gives them nothing but, it was the marauders.

Remus felt his breath hitch and, suddenly, he could no longer hold back the crushing sobs as tears streamed from his eyes. He buried his face in his hands.

Sensing the brush of magic in the air, Remus was not surprised to feel a pair of arms suddenly wrap around his shoulders, firmly pulling him into a comforting embrace. Another hand reached out and laid gently on his knee. Finally looking up from his hands, tears still flowing freely, he met the concerned gazes of his three best friends, his brothers, and began to speak, pushing the words out through his tear-choked lungs.

“Y-You… Are y-you guys for r-real?” He felt his chest shudder as he took a deep breath, attempting to calm the overwhelming affection and love surrounding him. He knew they'd mentioned trying to be animagi way back then, but they hadn't mentioned it even once since that day. He had just assumed it was too difficult or that they weren't serious in the end. “N-No one’s ever d-done anything l-like this for m-me before…” He kept shaking his head in disbelief.

“W-Why? Why me?” He watched as Sirius gave him a fond smile, one that was identical to the ones on James and Peter’s faces, shaking his head.

“Don’t you remember, Moony? That first day on the train? I told you, you’re special to us, important and loved. This is one of the ways… we can show you just how much.”

_There’s no escaping love once the gentle breeze weaves a spell upon your heart._

_No matter what you think, it won’t be too long ‘til you’re in my arms._

“How do you think you did on the Defense exam in the end, Lils?”

Remus and Lily were currently on their final set of prefect rounds for the night, making their way through the western corridors of the school as they kept their eyes peeled for any signs of mischief. It had been a rough week in terms of classes, homework beginning to pile on in preparation for their OWLs in the spring, and the general atmosphere showed that just about everyone was happy it was finally Friday. Remus himself was also trying to enjoy the impending weekend, but with the next full moon coming up in just three days, it was hard for him to find any way to relax.

“Fine.” Lily’s reply was short and cold, a tone that caught Remus off guard, head whipping around to look at her in concern. She did not meet his eyes, instead gazing off into the distance, distracted. Her mouth was fixated in a tight frown, eyebrows pinching together as though she were angry or perhaps frustrated.

“Lily, are you alright?” Remus stopped walking, placing a hand on her shoulder to stop her as well. He flinched back in surprise when she brushed his hand off in a rather aggressive manner, continuing to stalk down the hallway, the tension in her shoulders visible. He ran forward to cut her off.

“Hey! What on earth is going on with you?” He caught the harshness in his tone and took a breath. “Talk to me, Lily. Let me help you.” He met her blazing green eyes with a determined glare, not backing down despite her obvious annoyance, and she huffed before turning to lean against the wall, arms folded protectively across her chest.

“Mary figured out her match today. Roger something or other in bloody Ravenclaw.” Remus was puzzled. He didn’t imagine Lily was the jealous type.

“Isn’t that… a good thing?”

“Oh, yes! A wonderful, amazing thing!” He winced at the sarcasm practically dripping from her voice, anger seeping in with every word. “You know, I just don’t get it. Everyone has it so easy, except me apparently. I’ve had this bloody tattoo for five years now and still have no idea who the hell it’s supposed to mean, but everywhere I look everyone’s like ‘oh, look that’s my soulmate’ and ‘did you hear the story about how we found out we matched?’. I mean _come on_.”

Remus could feel every inch of him bristling with annoyance. He knew Lily was only frustrated and venting her anger on him because he asked, but he couldn’t help but feel hurt and frustrated right back. Apparently she didn’t recall just who she was talking to about difficult soulmate matches.

“Yes, I can’t even imagine how hard that must be.” He knew the response was cold, he practically winced the moment the words left his mouth, but he couldn’t help it. Lily was a smart girl and while she had a right to her emotions and thoughts, she also needed to remember she wasn’t the only one struggling.

It seemed his words got through to her quite quickly to say the least.

“Remus… I didn’t… I’m sorry…” Remus felt the fight leave him immediately, left with nothing but internalized hurt and guilt. He shook his head, hand ruffling his curls awkwardly.

“No, I’m sorry… I didn’t mean it like that, it’s just… Lily, just because people know who their soulmate is, doesn’t mean it’s easy for them. You have to remember that, okay? I know you want to know who it is. I think that’s something anyone with or without a mark can relate to, but just because you find out who your match is… It doesn’t just automatically give you a free pass to paradise where you live happily ever after. It’s not even just about me and Sirius, I mean look at Regulus and Marlene. Their feelings have become more and more obvious to anyone who is even remotely looking, but they don’t have it easy either considering all the Slytherin-Gryffindor shit and all the pureblood versus muggle-born conflict.”

He watched Lily’s head drop in shame, an embarrassed flush dusting her cheeks. He didn’t hesitate to wrap an arm around her in a comforting hug. She sighed, leaning into him.

“You’re right… You’re always right. I didn’t mean to take my frustrations out on you. I guess it’s just weird being the only girl in my dorm to not know who my match is. I mean Mary, Marlene, Alice, and I all got our marks on the same day, you know? It makes sense that someone would have to be the last to figure it out, but I had hoped it wouldn’t be me…”

Remus gave her a fond smile, pressing an affectionate kiss to her temple as he pulled away from their embrace. He tilted his head, indicating she should follow him and started leading her down a series of corridors. They had been walking for nearly ten minutes in complete silence. Remus could practically feel Lily’s curiosity vibrating from her very skin as she tried to figure out where he was taking her, though it wasn’t until they finally approached the familiar painting of a bowl of fruit that she spoke.

“Where are we, Remus?” He grinned, feeling that spark of mischief ignite in his chest as he gave her a wink and reached a hand up to tickle the pear in the portrait.

“You, Miss Evans, have clearly not spent enough time roaming the castle. Lucky for you, the marauders certainly have.” He watched her eyes light up as the painting swung open and revealed the entryway to the kitchen where several house elves were bustling about with pots and pans galore. “Welcome to the Hogwarts kitchens. Hufflepuff common room is just a little ways further down the corridor, but surprisingly we’ve never come across one here yet.”

“This is amazing!” Her eyes darted all around and Remus felt a puff of pride at his successful attempt to distract Lily from her worries. He waved politely as a couple of the elves noticed their presence, bumbling over to them and welcoming them fiercely.

“Good evening, Milly. It’s lovely to see you again. Would it be possible for me and my friend here to have a couple mugs of hot cocoa? We’re in need of a little pick me up tonight, I’m afraid.” Remus smiled softly as Milly the House Elf squeaked happily in reply, rushing off in an excited waddle to gather up the ingredients for his request. Remus gestured to a few small stools off to the side of the kitchen and he and Lily made their way over, sitting comfortably. He waited patiently for Milly to bring them their drinks and fall back into her usual work before speaking again.

“Feeling a bit better now? I find that chocolate is the best solution to many problems: dementors, broken hearts, late night venting sessions with your friends.” He said the last part with a cocky smirk as Lily rolled her eyes and shoved his shoulder gently. She seemed to be pondering something, waiting for the courage to say it aloud, but Remus was patient enough to wait in silence.

“Remus, would it be alright with you… if I showed you my mark? I know they’re super personal to a lot of people, but… I trust you and I would really just like to show someone.” He nodded, giving her an encouraging smile, as he placed his mug on the table to give her his full attention.

He had to bite hard on his lip to fight the massive grin attempting to burst its way onto his lips at the sight of her tattoo.

Lily Evans’ soul mark was a pair of antlers.

Unfortunately for him, he didn’t hide it well enough and Lily was not one to miss even the most subtle of signs.

“Shut up, you know who it matches don’t you!” Remus shrugged, giving her an elusive look and she looked at him in surprised awe. Her eyes showed a warring conflict in her mind and Remus could only assume she couldn’t decide which she wanted more: to know who her match was or to figure it out on her own. He made the choice for her.

“I’m not going to tell you who it is. To be fair, my idea is really only a hunch, though it is a strong one at that. I think you’ll find it better to figure it out on your own. I know you aren’t one to back down from a challenge.” The glint of determination in her eyes was all he needed to know his choice was the right one.

“Give me something to go on?” Remus shook his head in fond exasperation.

“Just… Keep your mind open, okay? Don’t count anyone out of the running too soon.”

_No matter what you do, the light is gonna get to you._

_Don’t try, you’re never gonna win._

“Nervous?”

“Terrified.”

They were in the shrieking shack. There was only about fifteen minutes left before the official moonrise when Remus would fall prey to his transformation, but tonight something different would be happening. This was the first night the marauders were planning to be with him in their animagi forms. Remus had so many different emotions flaring through his body, ranging a full spectrum from excitement to anxiety.

They had made a plan of course, Remus knew that logically. The marauders would transform into their animagi forms as soon as he felt his own change hit and gave the signal. Then, Sirius as Padfoot would be the first to approach. They had to assume that acquainting the wolf to the most similar looking animal first would be the smartest approach. Once the wolf was comfortable with Padfoot, Prongs would come up with Wormtail on his head and let the wolf meet them too, hopefully accepting them as pack.

It was fortunate that at least one of their animagi forms was a large animal, capable of fighting the wolf back if anything went wrong, and that animals in general, even wizards transfigured into animals, could not be affected by a werewolf’s bite. It was as safe as it possibly could be given the circumstances, but even so Remus couldn’t fight the nerves.

He had also made a promise that if things were going well during the first couple hours, the other marauders could tentatively attempt to bring him out of the shack and into the forest. Though it terrified him to no end, Remus had to trust that his friends would watch his back and make sure nothing bad happened.

Remus couldn’t fight that screaming urge to run free any longer.

“You three better shift, I can feel it coming. It’ll be any moment now.”

If you had asked Sirius to describe what he imagined a werewolf’s transformation to be like, it would not be even remotely close to actually experiencing the change before his very eyes. He felt the deepest of aches in his chest at the sight of Remus in such obvious, distinct pain as the unrelenting power of the moon fully took hold. Though the shift itself couldn’t have taken more than a minute, it felt as though time stretched on for hours until finally coming to a rest with Moony before them.

The wolf was beautiful, really. A deep auburn coat flecked with shades of brown and black lined the wolf’s sleek muscles. Amber eyes peered back at them across the shadowed room of the shack, hot with an unhinged predatory anger. There was no trace of Remus in those eyes, Sirius knew right away, but even so the wolf did not attack. Though its hackles were raised and its stance stood defensive, it made no move to attack as Padfoot slowly approached, crouched against the floor with his head tilted slightly to the side in a show of submission.

Sirius waited patiently against the floor by the wolf’s feet as Moony leaned down to sniff him carefully. He felt the damp clinging of hot breath against his scruff as Moony’s jaw closed gently over his throat, a sure sign of accepted dominance. This allowed Padfoot to safely resume normal position and give James and Peter permission to approach as well.

Overall, the night was a grand one. Within an hour, all three of the other marauders had been accepted into Moony’s pack and the four of them played throughout the shack with ease. Eventually, true to their word, the boys lead the wolf out through the door of the shack and into the dark depths of the Forbidden Forest off the edge of the grounds.

The wolf had never been so delighted, barking out loudly in excitement before erupting into a great, bellowing howl. Padfoot came bounding forward, swiping playfully at the wolf’s paws and enticing his new packmate into a race through the forest. The two dashed off, Prongs and Wormtail left to follow them at a fairly rapid, albeit slower, pace.

Sirius felt alive, more than ever before. He could feel the thrumming beat of his own blood rushing through his ears, smell the eager excitement of Moony running on his left side. The silken earth floor seemed to shift in perfect time with each press of his paw, launching him even faster forward. All around he could feel the energy of the creatures and plants thriving in the untouched forest. It was all new territory to explore, full of adventure and daring, and he could sense that they all could feel this was the start of something new.

All through the night, painting the night sky above them, the stars twinkled and danced as though they too were celebrating the pack’s first moonlit run through the forest.

_Deep in the dark, you’ll surrender your heart,_

_But you know that you can’t fight the moonlight._

When Remus blinked his eyes open the morning after the full moon, he was met with the dim lantern light of the hospital wing, brightened slightly by the gentle beams of early morning sun filtering in through the grand bay windows lining the far wall. Every sensation was familiar from the scratchy warmth of the pristine white bed sheets to the hypnotic daze of the potions Madam Pomfrey gives him after each transformation.

And yet, something about this time feels… different.

Every time Remus wakes after a full moon, he makes himself mentally analyze each portion of his body, categorizing any spots where he feels pain or an injury. It helps him keep track of any potentially bad cuts or broken bones and gives him a relatively good idea of how bad the previous night had been. It was as Remus was doing this usual routine practice of his that he noticed what was different.

_I don’t have any injuries? I mean… I feel tired and my muscles ache like nobody’s business, but…_ Remus was definitely awake now. He slowly reached a hand behind him and pushed up into sitting position, holding his arms out in front of him to truly see for himself that there were no new cuts or bruises covering his skin. He patted himself down, finding no trace of a broken bone or anything.

Unable to control it, Remus heard himself give a quite laugh out of pure elation and disbelief as he recalled the night before.

They had done it. The plan actually _worked._

“Oh, hey. You’re awake.” Remus startled at the sound of a raspy, sleep-filled voice sounding from his left. Turning his head, he spotted Sirius perched on the small chair beside him, eyes narrowed with sleep though they were bright with happiness. “You feeling okay then?”

Remus swallowed past a lump of emotion in his throat as he nodded, hands pressing across his body in awe once more as the notion of being unharmed after a transformation still worked on sinking in.

It was then that flashes of memories came to the forefront of his mind.

The scent of crisp forest leaves and early morning dew spotted moss. The sound of gusting air whipping past his ears and nipping across his nose. The enchanting feel of the forest thrumming to life all around him.

The sharp, metallic tang of blood on his tongue.

Remus was ripped so harshly out of his memories, eyes flying to Sirius in a panic as his hand rose shakily to swipe at his lips. Sirius’ eyes widened and he spoke hurriedly.

“It was a rabbit, Remus! Don’t freak out, take some deep breaths. We wouldn’t have let you hurt anyone. You just got really excited when a rabbit came bursting out of some random bush and I didn’t see the harm in letting you chase it.” Remus thought his heart was going to burst out of his chest, though his entire body shuddered with relief.

“I… I thought–” Sirius grabbed his hand, immediately pulling Remus’ attention to him, and shook his head firmly. Sirius then gave him a fond smile, leaving Remus to try and cope with the flustered heat blooming on his cheeks.

“It was a good night, Remus. Certainly one the best I’ve ever had.”

“I… I remember it.” Sirius looked as surprised as Remus felt.

“I thought you couldn’t remember anything from your transformations?” Remus shrugged, still in a state of disbelief himself.

“Maybe having the company… not spending hours upon hours attacking myself and… being locked away helped open that connection between me and the wolf more…” Remus started picking at the bedsheets, a nervous tick that he couldn’t seem to control.

“It’s nice… To remember it for once.” Sirius gave him another smile and Remus felt tears prick his eyes, an overwhelming sense of joy filling him from head to toe.

“We’re your pack now. You’re not in this alone anymore, Remus.”

_It’s gonna get to your heart…_


	11. I Like Me Better

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Song Inspiration: I Like Me Better by Lauv

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my loves! I'm so sorry there was a bit more of a gap between updates than usual this time around. Life got a bit crazy and the timing never really worked for me to able to actually sit and write out a chapter for a while there, but today's finally the day. Here's a brand new chapter for you. I hope it's worth the wait! Enjoy xx

_To be young and in love. To not know what I am,_

_But still know that I’m good long as you’re here with me._

In terms of dealing with the traumatic intricacies of being a werewolf, the past months of Remus Lupin’s life had been the best he’d had in many years. Since that first successful full moon back in the fall, the other marauders had, without fail, joined Remus in the Shrieking Shack in their animagus forms every month, giving him not only a way of keeping himself out of harm’s way, but also the ability to fully recall each of those long nights spent lost behind the wolf’s mind.

Remus had spent much of his childhood wondering what he was like in his wolf form, pondering the details of his appearance, his mannerisms, even questioning what thoughts ran through the mind of the beast within him. It seemed that being near other animals and often being freed from an enclosed space, distracted the wolf long enough for Remus to push his way forward even more than usual.

The memories of those nights were strange, hidden behind an almost mist-like haze as though it all was nothing more than a dream, but if he focused hard enough he could remember it all.

In the days between moons, the marauders had gone about their business as usual, causing mischief and spending as little time doing actual school work as possible (with the exception of Remus as Sirius never failed to point out). It had been a relatively quiet few months as winter took its hold over the Scottish countryside, lining the barren trees with crisp frost and glittering snowfall.

However, Remus had to admit he often found himself far too preoccupied with thoughts of a particular someone who he’d hoped to have _less_ distracting thoughts about. In fact, rather than working to think less of Sirius, Remus found he thought more about the boy with every passing minute, entirely against his own control.

It wasn’t as though Sirius was making it easy for Remus. As if the boy’s blinding personality and magnetic draw weren’t enough already to keep Remus from straying very far, Sirius seemed to be purposefully going out of his way to become closer to Remus than ever before, if that’s even possible at this point in their friendship.

Remus wasn’t sure what to make of it all. It things had been… different, he supposed, since the new term began.

There weren’t any _obvious_ changes, but when it came to Sirius, Remus often found himself noticing the strangest and tiniest details. Like how Sirius now waited for _him_ rather than James each morning as the boys headed down to breakfast or how Sirius now joined _him_ in the second hand bookshop rather than following the others down to Zonko’s on Hogsmeade weekends.

Remus would be lying if he said he minded the extra attention from the other boy though. Despite trying his best to forget about the truth behind their matched soul marks, all his efforts to shove the information back into the furthest corners of his mind, Remus’ affection and yearning for Sirius grew stronger each day. The closer the two of them got, the more he could feel their bond strengthening.

He honestly couldn’t imagine how Sirius didn’t feel it too, but perhaps James was right. Maybe it really just had not occurred to Sirius that Remus could be his soulmate. It certainly eased the piercing sting of rejection he felt in his chest at the thought of Sirius knowing and actively ignoring their bond in shame of the whole thing.

_No… What am I even thinking like that for? I_ know _Sirius doesn’t care about shit like that. He… He loves the idea of his soulmate. He’s only said it a thousand times._ Remus’ head was often a warzone of conflicting thoughts battling within the confines of his mind day after day, a ceasefire nowhere in sight.

His head fought for one side, working against his feelings and trying to remind him that logically it made no sense, him and Sirius together. They were friends and Sirius deserved more than what Remus could ever give him. There were too many obstacles in the way. His heart fought for the other side, pushing feelings one after another into him as it worked to convince him that his love would surpass anything holding him back from being good enough for Sirius.

Then his very soul had to get thrown in the mix, working its damnedest to try and fuse his brain and heart together.

It was difficult, more so than anything Remus had faced in his life which, let’s face it, is saying something in his particular case. Sirius was just so vibrant and incredible that it was nearly impossible for him to resist throwing in the towel and throwing all caution to the wind. There had been several close calls where Sirius would flash him a warm smile or throw a sultry wink his way and it took everything in Remus’ power not to reach out and grab the boy by the collar, pulling him into a fierce kiss.

Merlin knows it had already been hard enough before Sirius decided to throw even more into the mix.

It had been a rather uneventful day so far, but it was a Hogsmeade weekend so everyone was in the Great Hall bright and early for once, eager to grab a bite of toast and sip of tea before making the short trek down to the village. Remus had come out from the dorm bathroom, curls frizzing slightly as the last droplets of damp dried, to find the room nearly empty, an odd sight considering their usual routine.

Over on one of the beds, however, he noted Sirius who was casually lounging atop the covers, gaze misted over as though he were quite lost in his thoughts. Remus just stood there for a moment, eyes resting on the other boy thoughtfully as the watched the absentminded way Sirius twirled his wand between his fingers. The tension in the air was practically suffocating.

“Sirius?” Remus cleared his throat as softly as he could, attempting to grab his friend’s attention without startling him. It seemed it was unavoidable, however, as even a gentle voice caused Sirius to flinch back into reality, his body whipping upright as though he were set to leap into battle. “Whoa, hey. Calm down, it’s alright.” Remus held his hands up innocently, giving Sirius a worried glance as the other boy shook his head vigorously, his hair fluffing out slightly before seamlessly falling in an elegant curtain along his neck.

“Sorry, Rem… Got lost in thought there.” Sirius hopped up from the bed, a wide grin settled over his lips. Remus searched the boy’s eyes for a moment, hunting for a sign of the lie he was certain just fell so easily from his friend’s mouth. He saw the moment those eyes softened and gave an affectionate roll. “You’re such a worrywart. I’m _fine._ Now, let’s get going, yeah? _You’ll_ come to Hogsmeade with me today, right?” Remus frowned.

“Aren’t we all going?” Sirius shook his head.

“It seems our dearest Prongs got into a spot of trouble when he asked Lily to Hogsmeade _once again_ this morning at breakfast. He was just here a few minutes ago grabbing some spare parchment and quills. Said McGonagall caught him hexing some Hufflepuff that was quote ‘getting with his girl’ and banned him from the village for the weekend.” Remus let out an exasperated groan.

“He’s never going to convince her to date him if he keeps doing shit like that. Merlin, Potter…” He gave Sirius a mildly annoyed glare when the boy let out a light snicker. Sirius quickly attempted to steel his face back to one of unamused seriousness, though failed miserably if the pinched corners of his mouth had anything to say about it. “Fine then, what about Peter?”

Remus felt heat blaze in his belly at the smirk Sirius gave him, that Cheshire cat grin triggering too many fantasies of wickedness and mischief in his mind.

“It would appear Wormtail got himself… Wait for it… A date!” Remus, grateful for the distraction, felt his eyes widen. He let out a low whistle, a look of astonished pride on his face.

“Nicely done, Pete. Alright, shall we grab some breakfast before heading to the village then? I’m afraid you’ll have to deal with my boring self today. I do actually have some things I need to do while we’re there.” Sirius shrugged, a casual smile still lighting up his face.

“I’m all yours, Moony.”

_Am I, though?_

After scarfing down a hearty breakfast in the Great Hall, Sirius and Remus bundled up in their cloaks to make their way down to Hogsmeade, Remus burrowing beneath his woolen Gryffindor toque while Sirius’ mouth was half hidden behind his favorite gray scarf. To no one’s surprise, not even Remus could convince the other boy to wear a hat, Sirius refusing to risk messing up his hair for even a moment.

“Hey, Rem?” Sirius spoke softly, breath puffing out in misty clouds as they walked along the path to the village, the frosty gravel crunching beneath their shoes. Remus tilted his head, glancing at Sirius with eyes squinted against the late morning sun glinting off the bright snow. “What do you want for your birthday?” Remus felt surprise melt onto his face.

“My birthday?” Sirius gave a shrug, head swiveling down to look at his feet. Remus swore he saw a pale pink dust across the boy’s cheekbones, but _it’s cold out of course his face is pink._

“I know it’s still like a month and a half away, but… just, you know, trying to plan ahead and all.” Remus let out an amused cough without even thinking, laughing outwardly when Sirius gave him a dramatic pout.

“I don’t mean to laugh, Pads, but you’ve never been much of a planner. If I didn’t know better, I’d say spontaneity is your middle name.” Sirius smirked.

“Better than my actual middle name that’s for sure.” They had reached the outskirts of the village at this point, passersby shuffling along through the streets roaming in and out of storefronts and cottages all around them. Remus paused for a moment, giving Sirius a long look which was returned with one of confusion and hesitant hope.

“I don’t need anything for my birthday, Sirius. You’ve already given me more than I could’ve ever asked for, ever hoped for.”

_Midnight into morning coffee, burning through the hours talking._

_Damn, I like me better when I’m with you._

_I knew from the first time, I’d stay for a long time._

“Oi, lover boy.”

Sirius felt his body jolt in surprise at the sound of Marlene’s voice from just behind his ear, limbs flailing as he barely caught himself from falling off the common room sofa. It was late, too late for anyone to really still be up, and the last thing he’d expected was someone else to appear. His mouth had betrayed him, letting out a loud yelp that put Marlene into hysterics, the blonde girl clutching her stomach as she bent over gasping for air through her fits of laughter.

“Oh my god, your face! Merlin, Sirius, and here I was thinking you were the tough one of the lot. Should’ve known that wouldn’t be the case considering how bloody dramatic you are.” He gave her a fierce pout as he leaned back on the sofa once more, hand clutched over his chest as he took several calming breaths.

“What in the actual fuck, Marls. You trying to give me a heart attack?” Marlene simply smirked in reply, launching herself over the back of the couch and flopping onto the cushion beside him, feet flying up easily to prop in his lap. “And keep it down with the ‘lover boy’ stuff, would you?” Marlene’s perfectly sculpted eyebrows shot up.

“You haven’t told him?” Sirius felt his jaw drop open as the took a breath to reply, but he suddenly stopped, a sheepish look crossing his features as he reached a hand back to scratch at his head awkwardly. He flinched again when Marlene slapped him across the shoulder, the mild irritation on her face contradicting the concerned curiosity in her gaze. “What the hell, Siri? What are you waiting for?”

“It’s a big deal, isn’t it?” Sirius brushed a shaky hand through his hair, biting at his bottom lip nervously trying to distract his mind from the current topic of conversation by marking the color patterns in the carpet. Marlene found herself really _looking_ at Sirius for a moment.

“You love him, don’t you.” It was not a question. Sirius felt his breath hitch hearing the words out loud and swallowed past the sudden lump of emotion fighting to push past his throat. He finally raised his head to meet her eyes, finding nothing but warmth and kindness in them. She gave him a smile, one that made him feel safe and accepted, something he’d only felt with a handful of people in his entire life.

“I do.” His voice was raspy, harsh with emotion, but the words were said with a clarity he’d never really heard from himself before. “I… It wasn’t something I could even imagine at first, being in love with Remus, but then… It wasn’t so hard in the end. I’ve never had any hesitation with Remus since the moment I met him. We always had this… connection. Looking back, it would be easy to just say ‘oh that’s the soul mark bond talking,’ but the thing is _it isn’t._ There’s _more_ there and it’s _terrifying…_ Terrifying, but… _right._ ”

Sirius didn’t even realize he was crying until he felt Marlene’s gentle fingers brushing across his cheek bone, the wetness of his tears glistening on her fingertips in the firelit glow of the common room. He shook his head, letting out an amazed laugh. “Sorry, I don’t really know what’s gotten into me.”

“Don’t apologize, Sirius. Just go be happy, yeah?” He felt another stray tear fall at her words and simply nodding, sniffling as he tried to compose himself.

“Enough about me. I want to hear what’s been going on with you and Reg. Don’t think I haven’t noticed my own little brother strutting about a little taller than usual these days.” Marlene gave an amused snort, but the blush dancing on her cheeks gave her away. “Ah, so there _are_ details! Come on, story time.” Sirius folded his fingers together beneath his chin, leaning forward in childish excitement. Marlene rolled her eyes at his antics.

“Nosy prat.” Sirius just raised an eyebrow, waiting patiently for her to elaborate. She let out a sigh, the mood in the room shifting. “There isn’t much to say, I’m afraid. I managed to catch him alone in that little clearing across from the shrieking shack last Hogsmeade weekend. He’s… different when he’s alone. It makes me realize how much of himself he hides on a daily basis and I hate that that’s how he has to be to survive in those fucking dungeons.

Sirius reached out, placing a comforting hand on hers in an attempt to calm the shaking anger spreading through her. She glanced at him, taking a slow, deep breath.

“Anyway, I caught him alone, like I said, and we talked for a while about a lot of things including our marks. He was a perfect gentleman the entire time and it… Let’s just say I certainly have no linger doubt about our connection, but…”

“Marls, what’s wrong? I love my brother, but if I need to knock some sense into the little shit I will.” He felt a small stab of pride in his chest at her, albeit watery, laughter and gave her a reassuring smile when she met his gaze from where she’d been pulling at a loose thread on her jumper.

“It’s obvious, isn’t it? There’s no safe way for us to be together right now.” Sirius started to protest, but she cut him off. “No, Sirius, think about it. You know there are whispers of a war. You _know_ exactly who is rumored to be instigating that war, what he and his followers believe in. Who does that ideology remind you of? You and your brother are atypical. You don’t think the way all those other Slytherin purebloods do. If they knew Regulus and I were together, what do you think they’d do? Hurt Regulus for dating a muggleborn? Hurt _me_ to get what they want out of Regulus?”

She shook her head, a tear now dripping down her cheek. Sirius scooted closer to her on the couch, wrapping his arm around her shoulders. He hated that she and his brother were right, hated that they couldn’t just be happy the way Sirius hoped so deeply for the both of them. He tucked his neck down to look at her when she sighed.

“Anyway, long story short, we decided to just let our feelings work themselves out from afar for now, maybe meet up in secret when we can get away safely. He’s really rather sweet, Regulus, though I’m sure you know that.” The blush was back on her face and Sirius felt nothing but happiness at the thought that someone, other than him, cared so much for his brother.

“If you ever need someone to get a nosy Slytherin or two off your back, I’m your guy.” He gave her a wink and a gentle kiss on the crest of her cheek, the soft plush of skin pressing upwards in a smile beneath his lips.

“We’re quite the pair, aren’t we Sirius.”

“A true dynamic duo, Marlene.”

_I don’t know what it is, but I got that feeling._

_Waking up in this bed next to you, swear the room got no ceiling._

Remus stared up through the window at the half full moon as it lazily made its climb through the starry night sky. He was making his final rounds across the western side of the castle near the inner courtyard, trying to finish up quickly so he could sleep. Physically, he was doing well considering the full moon had been only about a week prior.

It had been a rougher moon than usual, given his current fortune of having several animagi keeping him company on a regular basis. However, this moon, Sirius had gotten detention that same night and no matter how much the boy begged, neither Filch nor McGonagall would budge on the date. Sirius had worked through his task as quickly as possible, but even so there had been no safe way to get him into the shack and Remus had refused to let the others lead him into the forest without Padfoot to help control him.

Fortunately, the presence of Prongs and Wormtail had soothed the wolf somewhat, though he had not escaped unharmed. It was clear to Remus, now, that Moony could also detect the soulmate connection between himself and Sirius. The wolf’s rather violent reaction to Padfoot being absent had been unpleasant to say the least.

Remus twisted his back, the mere thought of the new gouged scars lining his spine making his skin crawl and nerves twinge with pain. Feeling a satisfying crack as his vertebrae clicked back into position, Remus shook himself out of his thoughts, continuing down the corridor towards the dungeons, his last place to check before he could call it a night.

As he made his way down the sloping hall leading to the Slytherin common rooms, Remus paused, a strange chill settling across his body, raising the hairs on his nape in alarm. Whirling around, wand raised steadily, Remus peered into the shadows surrounding him, feeling the stinging prick of eyes on him.

“Revelio!”

With a splutter, James appeared before his very eyes, closer than he would’ve liked, from beneath his invisibility cloak. Rather than reacting in a manner more fitting of someone who got caught outside their dorm after hours, James just kicked at the floor and groaned in annoyance.

“I was _this close!_ ” He cried out, annoyance lacing his tone as he gave Remus a glare.

“James? What on earth are you doing here?”

“Well, I was _trying_ to finally catch you off guard and scare the pants off of you, but _someone_ had to go and use their stupid werewolf reflexes on me and –” Remus slapped a hand across James’ mouth, staring at him with incredulously until the boy’s own eyes widened and he gave Remus an apologetic look, eyes flickering back and forth nervously.

“There’s no one there, James, but honestly could you be any louder?” James winced.

“Sorry, Moony, got a bit carried away.” Remus snorted and continued walking down the corridor, hearing James scramble to follow behind him.

“Yeah, I can see that. I _should_ be writing you up for a detention, you know. You _are_ breaking the rules and I _am_ a prefect.” James grinned up at him, attempting to sling an arm around Remus’ much taller and broader shoulders and failing miserably. Remus merely smirked at him, pulling James’ arm off him and countering by putting his own across the other boy’s shoulders.

“I hate it when you do that. I’m not even short, honestly. You and your freakish tall genes,” James grumbled. “I’m the second tallest in our group, even Sirius is shorter than me. It’s not fair that you can do this so easily.”

Remus felt a blush cross his face against his will. The height difference between himself and Sirius had always been strangely appealing to Remus. He wasn’t quite sure _why_ Sirius being shorter than him was so attractive, but it was certainly a trait Remus found himself thinking about far too often.

“Don’t think I don’t see that, Mr. Moony. Do my eyes deceive me or is that a nice little blush you got going there?” Remus scowled and pushed James away.

“Knock it off, Potter.”

“Oh I’m _Potter_ now, am I?” James caught up to him and, after a few beats of silence, reached out and grabbed Remus’ wrist, stopping the boy in his tracks. He was heading up another corridor now, one leading up and out of the dungeons again, aiming to head back to the tower and escape James’ prying eyes. “Remus, just stop for a second.” Remus sighed.

“What, James?”

“What’s going on with you? I know I was teasing and that Sirius is kind of a rough subject sometimes, but it’s me. _Talk to me,_ Re.” Remus suddenly felt a well of anger raise within his chest.

“He knows, doesn’t he.” James looked taken aback, a look of confusion crossing his face. “Don’t play dumb with me, James. _He knows._ ” Understanding dawned on James’ face and suddenly, the other boy looked guilty, eyes dropping down in shame.

“Oh… Yeah, Moony, he knows. He figured it out near the end of last summer. I swear I didn’t tell him! Well, not outright anyway. Just helped him straighten out all the thoughts in his head and it finally clicked.” Remus merely nodded his head once, jaw tightening.

“That explains it then.” James’ eyebrows creased in bemusement.

“Explains what?”

“Why he’s been acting so weird!” Remus felt embarrassment flush through him at the blank look on James’ face. “Don’t look at me like that. Surely you’ve noticed it?”

“Noticed what exactly, Moony?” Remus let out a little breath of frustration, ruffling his curls absentmindedly.

“He’s been acting… _different_ towards me. Not in very obvious ways, he’s actually being quite subtle for once, but it’s a bit difficult for me to _not_ notice him when he’s around me.” Remus had slowed his pace again, coming to a gentle stop at the base of the final staircase leading up to Gryffindor tower. “It makes more sense now, knowing that he knows the truth.”

James practically felt his face light up with joy.

“So you finally believe it then? You’ll tell him how you feel and get together? You guys have been driving me nuts with… all…” James’s excited rambling trailed off uncertainly at the shocked look on Remus’ face. “What are you looking at me like that for, Re? You’re kind of making me feel like an idiot here, like I missed something big.”

“You _did_ miss something big. What about that conversation made you think I should be going right up to Sirius and confessing?”

“Uh, everything? Remus, you have _actual proof_ that Sirius knows about your match and hasn’t gone running for the hills. How can you _still_ not believe you two should be together?” Remus was angry now. His eyebrows were drawn together, eyes sparking with a rage James hadn’t really seen beyond the golden eyes he witnessed once every full moon behind the closed doors of the shack.

“How do you not see it, James? Sirius found out I was his match at the end of last summer and ever since then he’s been acting differently around me. He’s hesitant and more soft spoken than I’ve ever heard him be, he pushes to spend more time with me in ways that he’s never tried in over five years of friendship, and every time we _are_ alone together he’s awkward enough that it’s _palpable_. Don’t you get it? He doesn’t want to be with me. We’re supposed to be friends and now he’s faced with this and he doesn’t know how to deal with it. I can’t blame him. I certainly would be the last _thing_ he’d ever imagine as his match.”

“Hold it right there, Remus Lupin.”

Remus jolted at the harsh tone of James’ voice, snapping out of his angry tirade almost immediately and staring at the other boy in surprise. James’ face was contorted in obvious frustration, but his eyes were gentle as always, watching Remus’ every move with calculated observation. It was a look that was so very _James_ and yet it unnerved him all the same.

“First of all, don’t you talk about yourself that way. You aren’t some _thing,_ ” Remus didn’t miss the pointed emphasis on that particular word, “that can just be tossed aside like you’re yesterday’s garbage, okay? I don’t want to hear it. Secondly, you have absolutely no idea what is going on in Sirius’ head so quit acting like you do.” Remus flinched and the hurt must’ve been evident on his face because James immediately softened.

“Just… I know your instincts are telling you to run, but if you can’t trust _your_ instincts, then trust _mine._ Just this once believe me when I say that _this won’t turn out the way you’re thinking._ ” Remus swallowed harshly, eyes flickering across James’ face, searching for a sign that he was lying. He wasn’t sure why he bothered really. James didn’t ever lie, not to the marauders.

James let out a long, weary sigh when Remus’ face still didn’t soften all the way, the wary hesitance still blocking out any sign that Remus had accepted or believed any of what James had said.

“Come on. Let’s go back to the tower.”

_If we lay, let the day just pass us by, I might get to too much talking._

_I might have to tell you something._

“Boys, what’s the plan for Remus’ birthday?”

Spring had started to sprout in small ways all across the Scottish highlands – a damper crisp to the air signaling the creeping humidity of the warmer weather, the delicate buds of growth dotting the trees. It was early March, about a week before to Remus’ sixteenth birthday and the weather was taking a turn for the better.

It was unfortunate that, on this particular day, Remus had been unable to join the other boys out on the grounds. It was the morning after the full moon and, despite having no major injuries, Madam Pomfrey refused to consent to Remus leaving the hospital wing for at least a few more hours. The weather was rather pleasant, though, and Sirius felt an ache in his chest for his friend who likely would’ve jumped at the chance of soaking in the rays of early Spring sunshine.

“We could always throw the usual party. It’s a hit during any of our birthdays. The only reason we haven’t done one for Moony before is cause he always insists we don’t.” Sirius gave a noncommittal hum and glanced at James, knowing the other boy would shake his head in response.

“Don’t think so, Pete, though it was a fair suggestion.” Peter shrugged at James, turning back to his divination textbook perched on his lap. Surprisingly, it was the one subject Peter excelled in with ease, the ins and outs of tarot cards and tea leaves a rather pleasant calling for the blonde boy.

“Remus isn’t really a fan of parties, but that’s usually because they’re so crowded and loud…” Sirius had a thoughtful look on his face, one that James immediately picked up on.

“Go on then, Pads. What’s the idea you’re cooking up in that brain of yours?” Sirius’ head fell back against the bark of the towering willow he was currently leant up against, fingers fiddling absentmindedly with the zipper on his leather jacket.

“I was just thinking… What if we throw him a small party? Just us and maybe the girls; I know he often hangs out with them too. Maybe we could use the room of requirement? That way it’s not up in the tower where anyone could come bursting in.” James grinned widely at him while Peter nodded in agreement, eyes fixated on a rather intricate looking chart that made Sirius’ head spin.

“Brilliant! I think he’d love it. Okay, let’s divide and conquer. Pete, you’re in charge of the snacks; you’re the best at that, hands down.” Peter gave a wide smirk at this, cracking his knuckles jokingly in anticipation. “Excellent. Padfoot, you take care of the music and getting Remus to the room for the party. Frankly, I think you’d kill me if I let anyone else do the music and Remus wouldn’t trust me for a second if I were in charge of him.” Sirius gave an approving nod.

“And you, oh great and wise Prongs? Don’t tell me you’re saddling all the work on us and planning to just saunter in all lazy.” James gave a laugh.

“Of course not. I’ll take care of inviting the guests and decorating the room. That good enough for you, you drama queen?” Sirius launched himself at James from across the small stretch of grass, tackling the boy to the ground in a fierce tussle. James finally managed to shove Sirius off, their giggles overwhelming them to the point that they struggled to take in a breath.

“Okay, okay… Enough of that. Let’s give Moony the best party ever!”

\---

A week later, Remus was startled awake by a heavy weight slamming onto his bed beside him and something wet and slimy covering his face. Wrenching his sleep laden eyes open, Remus found himself nose to nose with Padfoot who barked happily at the sight of him awake, the dog immediately morphing back into Sirius.

“Happy birthday, Moony!” Remus shook his head at the obnoxiously loud voices of his roommates this early in the morning, but could not hold back the massive grin pulling at his lips. They always knew just how to make the best of days even better.

“Thanks, guys.”

“Moony, you’re finally joining me! You and I, we’re going to go be cool sixteen year old while these children run along and play.” Sirius smirked, ducking the smack James sent his way by throwing himself behind Remus. Peeking from behind Remus’ shoulder, Sirius waved the other boys along and they trudged from the room rolling their eyes at Sirius’ antics.

“Alright, get off me, Sirius. I’ve got to get up.” Pouting, Sirius moved away from Remus, but stayed perched on the end of the bed, twirling a sliver of the comforter around his finger. If Remus didn’t know better, he’d say Sirius looked almost… nervous?

“Everything alright?” Sirius glanced up, an almost dazed look on his face.

“Hm? Oh, yeah fine.” Remus watched as his friend seemed to shake himself out of a trance and hop to his feet, clapping his hands together excitedly. “Come on, then! Hop to it. We’ve got plans for today.” Remus merely raised an eyebrow.

‘Plans’ coming from the marauders usually meant trouble.

The morning was actually rather uneventful in the end. Because it was a Saturday, Sirius and Remus spent a lazy morning in the common room playing several engaging rounds of Exploding Snap and munching on leftover bits of toast and scraps of bacon from breakfast.

After lunch in the Great Hall, where his friends all gave a rousing rendition of ‘Happy Birthday’ much to Remus’ embarrassment, the others went off once more while Sirius led Remus out onto the grounds for a walk.

“Can’t let this lovely weather go to waste, Re!” Sirius had all but shouted when he asked what was going on. He didn’t mind, really. Why should he complain when Sirius was giving him so much direct, focused attention? Who was he to argue when Sirius offered to spend time doing the things Remus happened to love the very most?

It was his birthday and, for once, Remus was going to let himself enjoy it.

It wasn’t until the sun was beginning to dip behind the line of trees marking the edge of the Forbidden Forest that Sirius finally led the way back into the castle. Remus, feeling his belly begin to gnaw with hunger, started making his way down the corridor leading to the Great Hall where delicious smells were wafting in, enticing him to follow.

His belly wasn’t too impressed by the firm hand gripping his wrist, stopping him from continuing on.

“Sirius? Come on, I’m getting hungry.” Sirius shook his head, pulling Remus along in the opposite direction. Remus kept grumbling under his breath, frustration beginning to brew, crawling beneath his skin like centipedes. He wished it wouldn’t, it had truly been quite a nice day, but Remus wasn’t exactly the biggest fan of things being out of his control.

As though Sirius could read his mind, he stopped, looking back at Remus with a glistening softness in his gaze.

“I’m sorry, Moony. You’ll eat soon, I promise. Can you just trust me on this one?”

“Yes…” He spoke without thinking, his brain automatically speaking as if to remind him that he would do anything for the boy standing before him. As if that was something he’d forget so easily.

Finally, the two boys approached the seventh floor corridor and the particular tapestry of Barnabas the Barmy marking the entrance to the Room of Requirement. Remus became quite puzzled when he noticed the door to the room had already been summoned, the ornate oak doors shimmering before them.

“Sirius, what’s going on?” Sirius said nothing, merely giving him a dazzling grin as he reached forward and pushed through the doors.

“Happy birthday, Remus.”

The room was unlike anything Remus had ever seen. It was set up as a near identical copy to the Gryffindor common room, just as cozy and inviting with its plush maroon sofas and blazing flames crackling within the fireplace. On the far end stood a large wooden table piled high with all his favorite kinds of food, both savory and sweet, the scents filling the air with a homey comfort.

Before him, in the central part of the room, stood the smiling faces of all his friends. Frank and Alice were snuggled up on one of the sofas, each with a bottle of butterbeer in hand. Off in the corner, nearer to the food, he could see Mary, Peter, and Marlene in the midst of some seemingly arduous debate. James stood in the middle of the room fiddling with Sirius’ record player as he settled the needle onto a new disk, the melodic tones of David Bowie, a muggle singer Sirius had become quite obsessed with over the past couple of years, flowing out with ease. Surprisingly, he seemed to be having a conversation with Lily who, for once, did not look like she was on the verge of hexing him for even daring to open his mouth.

As they entered the room, he watched all his friends’ attention swivel to him, the inviting shouts of birthday wishes bringing a lump of emotion to his throat. This was never the life he imagined he’d get to have after that fateful night all those years ago. This was the type of openly _human_ interaction Remus worried for years upon years he would never get to experience again.

Swallowing back tears, Remus fully embraced an evening of fun and friendship with those he loved most. It was certainly the best birthday he’d ever had, one he would never forget in all the many years to come.

A couple of hours into the celebration, Sirius approached Remus, shyly asking the boy if he could steal him away, if only for a few moments. Unable to resist Sirius on any given day, Remus immediately stood to follow the boy, intrigued by the uncharacteristic demeanor of his friend, the nervous shine in his eyes.

The two boys tucked themselves into a secluded alcove just outside the doors of the Room of Requirement, the window beside them bathing them in the soft pearlescent glow of the moon. Remus watched as Sirius tucked a strand of hair behind his ear, eyes flickering around as though they weren’t sure of where to look as his hand fiddled with something in his pocket.

“I… Remus, I have a gift for you.” Remus felt surprise wash over him. He never expected gifts and though the others had given him parcels of chocolates or carefully packaged gifts of books and similar items of interest, Sirius had not mentioned having anything himself. Remus didn’t mind, feeling it was enough of a gift to have spent nearly the whole day alone with the boy, but he couldn’t help his worry over Sirius’ nervous energy.

“You didn’t have to get me anything, Siri, but don’t be nervous. I’m sure I’ll love it, whatever it is.” Sirius finally looked at him then, eyes meeting his. As always, Remus felt that agonizing heat in his belly at the sight and held back a groan.

“Right. Well um… Here. Sorry it’s not wrapped or anything…” Remus looked down at the small item Sirius placed within his open palm.

It was a pendant. Remus brushed his fingers across the soft brown leather which held the charm, its worn roughness soothing and familiar. The pendent itself was a shimmering gold, the precious metal delicately molded… into the shape of a star, just as it appeared on his own skin.

“This…”

“It’s the pendant you were looking at, that day in Hogsmeade a couple of months back. Do you remember?” Remus merely nodded, eyes fixed upon the delicate treasure held between his fingers. Taking a shuddering breath, Remus finally moved, hands slowly raising to slip the pendant over his head. He felt an almost tangible relief at the settling comfort he felt from the soft kiss of cold metal on his heated skin.

“I… Sirius, I don’t know what to say. I never imagined…”

“I know. You never do, do you?” He said it with such a tender look in his eyes that Remus nearly had to look away, the overwhelming feeling of love threatening to throw all caution to the wind. “I saw you looking at it that day and I just knew you wanted it.” The two still had not looked away, their eyes locked on one another.

Sirius took a step closer.

Remus took a step back.

“Sirius… You… Look, I know. I know that you know the truth, about everything, about why this pendant in particular was so captivating to me.” Sirius bit his lip and gave a single nod, still not looking away from Remus. The prolonged eye contact should’ve been uncomfortable by this point, but neither boy felt even a second of desire to break it.

“Then… Why?” Sirius gave him an incredulous look.

Sirius stepped closer again.

This time, Remus could not step back, his back already pressed up against the cold stone of the castle walls.

The tension in the air was sharp enough that Remus could practically feel the threads beginning to fray, tearing apart one strand at a time, threatening to break with every passing second. He didn’t even breathe for he feared it would make the dreaded separation his brain kept urging him to expect come sooner.

He felt his heart stutter when Sirius’ eyes flickered down. It was just for a split second, but he saw it.

_Was he…?_

He wanted to believe it. _Dear Merlin_ did he want to put every morsel of faith in his body into believing that this meant what he hoped with all his heart it did. Everything around them seemed to freeze, waiting for the moment to break one way or another.

In that moment, everything was _perfect._

Perfection is fleeting, however, and not all that glitters is gold. 

_Stay awhile. Stay here with me, lay here with me._

_I like me better when I’m with you._


	12. Say Something

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Song Inspiration: Say Something by A Great Big World

_Say something, I'm giving up on you._

_I'll be the one, if you want me to.  
Anywhere, I would've followed you._

“Well if it isn’t Black and Lupin. I thought I smelled something foul down this corridor.”

Sirius leapt back from where he’d been dangerously close to Remus. He watched as Remus cleared his throat, brushing a hand down his jumper to straighten it, a rosy flush painting his cheeks. Sirius felt his heart clench painfully at the sight, mourning the loss of the intimate moment they had just shared.

_Merlin, I was about to kiss him… and I think he was about to let me,_ Sirius thought to himself, frustration bleeding into his features. Sirius whirled around.

“Must’ve been yourself you were sniffing, Snivellus. I bet you can’t even remember the last time you took a shower.” He watched with smug satisfaction as Snape’s face contorted into poorly concealed rage and braced himself, hand resting defensively on the wand in his robe pocket, as the greasy-haired boy took a step toward them.

Sirius jolted as he felt a warm hand push back against his chest gently, moving him away from the Slytherin before him and back behind Remus. Part of him felt guilty as Remus shot him a warning glare, eyebrow lifted in mild exasperation, but the rest was quite distracted by the heat flushing all across his skin in response to the other boy’s touch.

“Sirius, knock it off, honestly. Severus, can we help you with something?” Snape gave Remus a sneer, the look sparking Sirius’ anger even further. Only Remus’ hand, still firmly holding him against the wall kept him from charging forward. His wand, however, remained steady in his palm, concealed among the speckled shadows lining the corridor around them.

“Not from the likes of _you_ , Lupin, though from the looks of it _you_ could benefit from having a personal medi-witch following you around. What’d you do to piss off your parents this time?” Snape’s face contorted with disgust as he leaned away from Remus, hooked nose wrinkled as though someone had let off a dungbomb in his face as his eyes darted across the newly pinked scars lining Remus’ neck and face. Remus, to his credit, didn’t flinch. He merely continued to gaze at Snape, a carefully blank expression on his face.

That was until a certain hotheaded animagus suddenly found his strength, shoving Remus’ hand, which had slackened in his distracted state, off and pushing himself forward into Snape’s face, wand dangerously close to the Slytherin’s eyes. Remus had seen Sirius angry before, that Black temper was not easily hidden when it reared its head, but this was… _different_. His eyes stormed, every inch of his body practically vibrating with the effort of holding in his rage. When he finally spoke, his voice hissed out in a harsh tone unlike anything he’d heard from the boy before.

“Don’t you _ever_ speak to him like that again.”

“Or what you filthy blood traitor? You’ll sick Potter on me? I’m absolutely _shuddering_ at the thought.” Snape’s retort drawled out in a slow, sarcastic way that twisted Remus’ belly. Remus tried to ignore the icy claw of nerves gripping at his chest, the echoing gut-punch of Snape’s words reverberating within him more than he’d ever care to admit.

Remus saw Sirius draw his hand back to strike too late, his own movements, sluggish from the unwarranted fear, dragging along. Fortunately, fate was looking down on them as two heads suddenly poked around the corner, catching sight of the three wizards locked in a fierce headlock of wits and rage.

“What the hell? Moony? Padfoot?”

“Severus, what’s going on here?”

Snape, who’d been turned away from where James and Lily had suddenly appeared, stiffened immediately, whirling around to face the newcomers, a mixture of annoyance and guilt spreading across his face. Sirius still hadn’t moved from where he faced Snape, wand raised and mouth open to cry out whatever hex had come to mind first. Remus, finally finding his footing, reached forward, gently pushing to lower Sirius’ wand arm.

“Lily, what are you doing with _him_?” Remus watched as Lily’s eyes hardened, their usual sparkling green dulling into an angry haze. He wasn’t sure that anyone else noticed, but Remus’ keen sight easily picked up the slight flinch in Snape’s shoulders at the redhead’s glare.

“ _That_ is certainly none of your business. I’m perfectly capable of taking care of myself and making my own decisions.” She took a moment to glance between Sirius and Remus briefly, taking in the pale tinge of Remus’ cheeks and the trembling anger still vibrating across Sirius’ skin before settling into herself. “Now, it’s nearly curfew and we should all be getting back to where we belong. Potter, I trust you and your dorm mates can find your way back without getting distracted? I’d like to have a private word with my fellow prefect.”

James swallowed painfully, the lump of annoyance yearning to burst out in a fit of witty commentary towards the Slytherin boy, but he made himself nod, jerking his head towards the other end of the hall as he made eye contact with the other Gryffindor boys. As James started making his way back to the tower, Remus took a few steps in the same direction before glancing back to find Sirius had not moved.

Lily and Sirius were locked in a fierce stare. The dark haired boy seemed unwilling to leave Lily with Snape, his feet seeming to remain rooted to the floor as his hands clenched and unclenched distractedly at his sides.

Remus rolled his eyes and marched back across the small stretch of the corridor between them, grabbing Sirius by the wrist and hauling him off down the hall as the boy sputtered out weak protests in response. He didn't let go until they reached where James stood waiting just around the corner, the boy leaning up against the weathered stone walls as he gave them a look.

“Come on, lads. Party’s over.”

_And I am feeling so small.  
It was over my head,  
I know nothing at all._

Remus was going to end up hating the sight of the dorm ceiling given the amount of time he’d spent over the past several days glaring at it with an intensity that surprised him. Sleep had been an evasive mistress recently and Remus desperately wished, at this point, that he could merely flick a switch and turn his thoughts off, just for a few hours.

He didn’t know _why_ Snape’s words had bothered him so, were _still_ clinging to the edges of his thoughts like a leech, distracting and just uncomfortable enough to keep them noticeable. He knew that Snape couldn’t _really_ know the depth of meaning behind his words, knew it was just the other boy trying every method he could think up to get under his skin, but it was working, wasn’t it?

It didn’t help that his interactions with Sirius had become clipped and almost _harsh_ since that night as well. Remus knew _something_ was bothering Sirius, but he just couldn’t figure out what for sure. The logical side of his brain told him it was merely the interaction with Snape getting under his friend’s skin too, but those anxious, doubting thoughts kept creeping in beyond his control.

What if it was the interaction _before_ Snape turned up that was bothering Sirius? What if it was _Remus_ making Sirius close himself off and show a side Remus didn’t think he’d witnessed before?

Giving up on sleep, Remus pushed himself upright with a sigh, reaching across his pillow to grasp the book resting on his nightstand. It had been a recommendation from Lily, a muggle story she discovered over Christmas holidays. Remus had found himself quite taken by it within the first few pages, but came to realize, as the story progressed, that it was a romance novel, one following a plot quite similar to his own predicament.

Why he thought reading this would help, he wasn’t sure, but it was better than staring into space for hours on end. Casting an effortless lumos charm, he settled in for a long night.

What Remus _didn’t_ openly acknowledge was the shuffling restlessness in the bed beside his own. Remus was not the only one that evening sending glares of contempt at the dorm ceiling. Sirius had spent much of that very same night tossing and turning, attempting to sleep away the unending thrum of anger simmering beneath every inch of his skin.

Rubbing his hands over his face in frustration, Sirius threw his covers off, launching his torso upright. The anger had been unrelenting and he hated that it was Severus fucking Snape of all people who got him into the state he currently found himself in, the one he’d felt trapped in for days now. All Sirius could think was how _dare_ a cowardly piece of filth like Snape speak to Remus like that.

And underneath all that anger? Sirius was scared _, worried,_ and he knew it. He’d never admit it, but he’d learned a long time ago about self-awareness when it came to his own emotions. It often ended up being the only thing keeping you safe in the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black.

He didn’t know how, but he seemed to have been the only person that night to catch Remus’ reaction, his _true_ reaction. Sirius had watched the sickly pale wash over those previously flushed cheeks, witnessed nearly every muscle slacken with shock, the boy’s body trembling as though he would collapse at any moment.

It had been impossible for him to miss as the warm sparkle dimmed from Remus’ eyes.

Sirius couldn’t take it anymore. Getting out of bed, he threw on a tee shirt over his bare chest and tiptoed his way over to the trunk perched at the end of James’ bed beside his own. Rummaging through the piles of cast aside parchment and random socks as quietly as he could, Sirius finally grasped the silken fabric of James’ invisibility cloak, triumphantly yanking it from where it was pinned beneath the heavy wood of James’ broom servicing kit.

There was only one person Sirius wanted right now and he’d have to be sneaky about it. He wasted no time throwing the cloak over his shoulders, the shimmery material settling over his, now hidden, frame with the grace of a gentle waterfall.

Remus’ eyes flicked up as the door clicked shut.

\-----

“Would you give it a rest already?”

When Regulus returned from Quidditch practice that evening, he did not expect to end up sprawled across the common room sofa, calloused fingers rubbing mildly at his temples in an attempt to massage away the headache trying to seep into his skull. Severus had spent the last two hours ranting and raving about how ‘ _your brother and those pests he calls friends’_ were up to something and that they needed to do something about it.

“Are you even listening to me, Regulus? They’re hiding something. We finally have some dirt on them!” Regulus rolled his eyes and slowly drew himself up into a sitting position, hands rubbing tiredly over his eyes.

“Trust me, I’ve been listening. I just don’t see why it fucking matters, Severus. My brother does weird shit all the time. Why should this be any different?” Regulus expected Snape to fall into his usual ‘woe is me’ pout routine at this response, but the younger boy felt himself jolt in surprise at the nasty grin the boy suddenly donned.

A solid pit of uneasiness settled deep within his belly and he felt the hairs on his neck prickle.

“Because Regulus… This time your dear older brother got _angry,_ downright _livid_. Whatever he’s hiding this time? It has to be worth it.”

_Fucking hell, Sirius. You usually know better than to lose your temper like that._ Regulus’ brain immediately tried to backtrack for actions that were not even his own as concern for his brother flooded his mind. Sirius was never one to be careless with his emotions so Regulus had to wonder just _what the hell happened?_

“ _Now_ do you see why we need to take advantage of the situation? You know the kind of people watching us, Regulus. You know what they’d do to get their hands on information involving the ‘blood-traitor Black heir.’ They may love your parents and they may tolerate you, for now, but this could be our way in.”

Snape’s eyes seemed to glow with predatory excitement, the hunger for revenge crackling through the nearly black irises like blazing flames through a drought-heavy savannah. Regulus felt an unconscious shudder trickle down his spine, nerves alight with worry.

But if Regulus Black was anything, it was a master of keeping all emotion out of his face. He watched as Snape kept his gaze on him, eyes flicking across every inch of him for any sign of weakness, waiting for him to break.

He would _never_ break for someone like Severus Snape.

“I don’t need help from my brother to achieve what I want, unlike you. Go chase after him if you like, but I’ve spent enough time clinging to his coat-tails all my life. I won’t do it any longer. He’s chosen his path as I have mine.” The words were cold and felt harsh against his tongue, but he chose them carefully.

Veritaserum could be a tricky thing and it was no secret that his dorm mate was particularly skilled in the art of potion making.

Snape, however, seemed to finally drop the subject for now, giving Regulus an annoyed scowl as he stood. He slid a hair through his slick hair once, whirling around to walk towards the door leading out of the common room.

“Whatever. I have to go do my rounds; I’m on the late night patrol again. We’ll discuss it more later. Perhaps then you’ll be feeling more… _cooperative._ ” Regulus finally felt the tension bleed from his muscles as the door sealed shut behind the other boy, closing him within the common room alone.

It was late. He should probably go to bed, but he was too riled up now.

_I’ll go see Loky for some tea. Maybe that will help me calm down a little._ Straightening up, he brushed his hands absentmindedly across nonexistent wrinkles in his pants, the pureblood aristocrat taking over for a few moments, before making his way out of the common room.

He was only a few paces from the entrance when a hand snatched his collar, pulling him into the late night shadows of the dungeons. Not even a second passed between feeling the person grab him and Regulus wrenching himself away, wand raised at the ready. Only someone rather stupid would dare attack a Slytherin from behind.

His gaze met eyes nearly identical to his own.

_Well, I wasn’t exactly wrong about the rather stupid part,_ Regulus thought to himself as he felt the tension bleed out of him and he thumped the intruder across the back of the head in annoyance.

“Ouch! What the hell, Reg?”

“Are you _actually_ insane? I nearly hexed you. What in the name of Merlin are you doing down here? It’s after hours; you’re lucky Severus didn’t catch you.” He watched as Sirius gave him a glaring pout, hand rubbing at the spot on his head where Regulus had whacked him. His brother gave a snort and relaxed against the stone wall lining the alcove he’d hidden them within.

“That greasy oaf doesn’t scare me and _you’re_ out after hours too.” The words were spoken with less venom than usual and Regulus suddenly found himself brimming with concern, the hesitance filling Sirius’ eyes rather out of character. Stepping forward, Regulus placed a comforting hand on his brother’s shoulder, bending down so his gaze was able to meet Sirius’ downturned face.

“Siri, what’s going on? Are you alright?” Sirius merely shrugged, biting his lip nervously. His brother had spent many years of their childhood together building up his walls. Up until the day Sirius left for Hogwarts, he’d been a walking, talking shell of himself, quiet and obedient. He would only speak out against their mother and father when Regulus himself was threatened.

Only Regulus himself had been entrusted with Sirius’ true self, even now with the marauders at his side. At this very moment, Sirius was vulnerable, all those protections demolished and the elder boy’s soul laid bare. It was this rather eerie openness that caught Regulus off guard as few things could.

“Hey,” he whispered, filling the word with as much warmth and acceptance as he could with so little to work with. “It’s going to be alright, Siri. Whatever it is, we’ll figure it out together. You and me, remember? You’ll always have me.” He watched his brother finally glance up, swallowing hard around the visceral emotional response welling in his throat, and give him a searching pause before nodding in acceptance.

Grabbing the cloak from his brother’s clenched fist, Regulus threw it over the two of them, hand grasping Sirius’ comfortingly as he continued his original heading towards the kitchens. 

_And I will stumble and fall.  
I'm still learning to love,  
Just starting to crawl._

“… -ter Lupin?”

_Blink. Eyes close, then open again. Stay open._

“Mister Lupin.”

Remus’ sleepily bobbing head whipped upright, his neck nearly creaking with the effort. Professor McGonagall stood before him watching him with a concerned glint in her normally stern gaze. He could feel the curious eyes of his classmates searing his skin as a flush burned onto his cheekbones.

“Apologies, Professor. It won’t happen again.” _Idiot. You can’t be falling asleep in class._ Gulping down his embarrassment, Remus adjusted his quill between his fingers, ink at the ready for his usual methodical notetaking.

Professor McGonagall didn’t move from where she stood, casting her eyes between the ghostly exhaustion printed across her young student from the bruised shadows beneath his eyes to the sagging heaviness of his body language. Minerva McGonagall prided herself on her ability to keep a classroom in line without breaking a sweat, but she had never been known to be unfair.

“Mr. Potter, would you be so kind as to take Mr. Lupin to the hospital wing?” She spoke with a soft tone, an almost motherly quality making the words feel soothing even as they stabbed harshly at Remus’ pride. However, too tired to argue, Remus merely sighed in defeat, gathering up his belongings as James gave a brief response before leading the way out of the classroom.

Given that it was the morning of the full moon, it shouldn’t have been surprising to find Remus in such a state. It certainly wasn’t unusual for the moon to affect him like this before and after his transformation, but anyone who so much as glanced at the boy could see this time around he was worse than ever before.

Remus had not slept more than a couple of hours each night for the past two weeks, mind still pouring over every detail of what happened the night of his birthday. The stolen moment with Sirius in the alcove, the altercation with Snape shortly after, and the subsequent struggles in his interactions with Sirius all accumulating to burden his thoughts with each passing second. He was left to scrape through each hour, each day, with barely enough strength to hold himself together.

“Re…”

“Don’t, James. Please just… leave it be.” The concern laced in James’ voice pierced his ears, his body cold with guilt at the sound, but he simply did not have the energy, the strength, to even think. He watched out of the corner of his eye as James nodded once and wrapped a steady, comforting arm across Remus’ shoulders, giving his brother a permission to borrow what strength he needed without question. Remus leaned gratefully into his side and the two disappeared into the hospital wing, towering oak doors swinging gently closed behind them.

From the newly abandoned corridor, a figure lurking within a hidden nook appeared.

Sirius hadn’t been able to sit still from the moment James led Remus out of the Transfiguration lesson. Professor McGonagall had sent him on his way barely two minutes later when it became clear he was too distracted by the sudden absence of his friends to pay attention. The knowing glint in her gaze had been strange, albeit comforting, and Sirius hadn’t hesitated to leap from his seat and follow after the two boys.

From afar, he had watched them, brow creased in concern, waiting for any sign that he may be needed. A heavy pit of worry and unease settled within him as they vanished from sight and he wrung his fingers together anxiously, unsure of what to do. His emotional state had been quite the whirlwind for so long now he found himself lost in the typhoon, unable to claw his way out from the darkness and shadow.

This was all Snape’s fault.

The greasy git had done this to Remus, torn him apart with a single sentence and left him bared and vulnerable. Now Sirius was left with the undeniably sickening feeling of helplessness as he watched his soulmate fade before his eyes. The irresistible yearning to protect this boy, the one who held Sirius’ very heart in his warm and gentle hands, clawed within his chest, desperately fighting for release from where it remained trapped behind his ribcage.

Instead, Sirius let himself feel the easy emotions, the ones that had no trouble filling his every cell with their overwhelming power. He was _angry_ and someone was going to have to pay. He had a plan, one that had been drifting along the winding tunnels of his mind, searching for their moment to seize control.

That moment had come.

Whirling around on the heel of his shoe, Sirius strode determinedly in an entirely different direction. As he walked, the air slowly chilled, as it always did when approaching the dungeons, but Sirius felt nothing. The anger burned with a ferocity so intense beneath his skin that the icy prickles of the underground air went unnoticed.

When he found himself in the same hidden alcove he’d hidden in when meeting Regulus the other night, he took a breath. _Now we wait._

Fortunately for Sirius, the wait was not a long one. Within a handful of minutes, he heard the echoing tap of footsteps making their way down the dungeon corridor towards the Slytherin common room. Poking his head carefully from his hidden perch, he watched as quietly chattering students made their way past, keen eyes searching carefully for his chosen prey.

_There._ He was coming. Sirius turned his back to the hall, allowing just a sliver of his robed back to be noticeable from afar and put his plan into motion.

“James, listen. We have to be careful about this, okay? I know we’ve been planning this for months now, but we can’t go blowing it right at the end because we get too excited.”

It was working. He heard a solitary set of footsteps slow close behind him, eyes burning a hole into the stretch of back between his shoulder blades.

_Perfect. I have you right where I want you._

“Now remember: Tonight, at just before moonrise, we meet outside by that weird quaffle shaped boulder just beside the Whomping Willow. Then we’ll make our way into the tunnel beneath it and execute our plan once we reach the shack. _Don’t_ forget to bring a stick or something to tap the knot on the tree and freeze it or else the damned thing will send us flying all the way into Hogsmeade.”

The intruder had inched closer with each sentence leaving Sirius’ mouth, falling deeper into his trap, a fly caught in the spider’s web. Sirius couldn’t resist the arrogant smirk flashing across his face at the sound of a quiet gasp as he spoke the last sentence.

_Check._

“Shit!” He whirled around, feigning horror as he took in the sight of Snape behind him, his sallow face alight with a wicked sneer. He quickly tucked the mirror in his pocket, ensuring Snape had gotten the tiniest glimpse of it before falling into the final phase of his plan. “How much of that did you hear? Never mind,” he continued, not allowing the other boy to get a word in edgewise. “Forget everything you heard, okay Snape? It’s none of your business so keep your abnormally large nose out of it.”

Sirius shoved the boy out of the way and quickly made his way out of the dungeon, triumph and adrenaline blazing through his veins as he heard a victorious hiss sound from behind him and footsteps, moving much quicker than previously, fading behind the entrance to the Slytherin common room.

_Checkmate._

\-----

“Well, Remus dear, it’s time.”

Remus had spent the rest of the day resting in the hospital wing on Madam Pomfrey’s strict orders. She’d given him a small dose of sleeping draught, just to force his body to get at least some rest before the ordeal he’d go through that evening, but every muscle still ached with exhaustion and weakness. Nothing he could do about it now; his transformation was only a short period of time away. Nodding gratefully at the medi-witch, Remus took a breath and hunched enough to step through the tunnel guiding the way to his monthly prison cell.

At least he’d have the marauders with him. Perhaps the night wouldn’t be so bad in the end.

_And I will swallow my pride._   
  


Regulus peered through the dimmed shadows lining every edge of the Slytherin common room, watchful gaze catching the sleek, calculated movements of Severus as the boy silently made his way out the door. Earlier that same day, Snape had returned to the dorm after classes in a state Regulus had never witnessed before, face aglow with a Cheshire cat grin and a devious glint in his eye.

He had spent the following hour listening to his housemate rant on and on about how he’d caught Sirius talking about some secret plan and that the Gryffindor boy had tried to hide it, but Snape was no fool. The boy was convinced he was going to dig up some delicious secret the Black family heir was hiding and secure his place for the future, a standing of power and victory.

Regulus knew the truth, knew that Snape’s only _true_ motivation was finding dirt on James Potter and somehow use it to win over Lily, convincing her to love him. It was a foolish plan and Regulus had not hesitated to tell Snape that very thought when the older boy had attempted to convince Regulus to join his late night mission this very evening.

But something about it wasn’t sitting right.

Regulus could not shake the feeling that something bad was about to happen. His instincts were screaming for him to step in and Regulus had learned long ago not to ignore when his gut told him something. Stepping out from the shadows, Regulus, too, left the common room.

He quickly made his way up to Gryffindor tower. His brother was up to something, something potentially dangerous, and Regulus knew of only two other people that could possibly convince Sirius to stop before it became too late. Reaching the portrait of the Fat Lady, Regulus paused, unsure of how to proceed. The portrait give him an unimpressed look, waiting rather impatiently for him to speak.

“Shit…” He muttered under his breath, hand ruffling his hair nervously.

“Regulus?” He jolted in surprise at the sound of a voice from behind him. Whirling around, he felt his whole body relax at the sight.

“Marlene, darling, thank goodness. Listen, I apologize for being abrupt, I do wish I had more time, but this is important. I need you to fetch James, or perhaps Remus, for me as quickly as you can.” The blonde girl gave him an odd look, stepping towards him with concern in her gaze. His whole body lit up like a fire at her mere presence.

“Are you alright?” Glancing up and down the corridor quickly, noting nobody else in sight, Regulus reached a hand out to cup her rose dusted cheek. He gazed down at her with a reassuring smile, at least the best one he could muster given the circumstances.

“Yes, I am. I swear it. I just need you to trust me for now, alright?” Giving him one final searching glance, Marlene nodded and spoke the password to the Gryffindor common room quickly, dashing behind the entrance. It wasn’t long before she returned, but, to Regulus’ dismay, she was once again alone, a worried frown on her face.

“Sorry, love. None of them were up there. Their dorm was completely empty and only Lily was in the common room. She hasn’t seen any of them.” She bit her lip as she watched even more worry and panic bleed onto Regulus’ face. It was rather unlike the younger boy to show emotion so blatantly. “Do you want me to come with you? To find them?” Regulus thought for a brief moment, but shook his head.

“No, sorry. It’s just… I think my brother’s done something and I’m not even sure how he’ll end up reacting to _my_ presence, let alone any other ‘uninvited company’ showing up to find him. Thank you for your help. We’ll talk soon, alright?” Her gaze searched his face once more before she nodded reluctantly, pressing up on her tiptoes to press a delicate kiss to his, now flaming, cheeks.

“Be careful, Regulus.” He nodded and whirled around, racing back down the stairs. Snape had said something about the Whomping Willow. He’d have to try there next.

_You're the one that I love._

James watched from the doorway of the hospital wing as Madam Pomfrey slowly walked Remus out of the castle, her soothing whispers of encouragement fading as the door drifted closed behind them. He sighed heavily and kicked at the stone beneath his feet in annoyance. He wished desperately that Remus would let him in, let him help, but his brother was stubborn, more than most.

James had refused to leave even after Remus lost himself to the pull of unconsciousness after his dose of sleeping draught. He’d sat at the bedside, holding a steady vigil as he willed whatever strength he had into Remus, whatever it would take to help his friend get through the coming night. No matter how much he poked and prodded, neither Padfoot nor Moony had budged on the details of what happened the night of Remus’ birthday before he and Lily had shown up.

Now wasn’t the time to get distracted by that, however. He needed to find Sirius and Peter. They only had a short window to reach the shack before Remus’ transformation began. Turning to head toward the tower to fetch the boys, James suddenly found himself bumping into Snape, the Slytherin boy seeming to appear from nowhere and moving faster than usual.

“Going somewhere, Snivellus?” James expected a fiery retort from the other boy, but felt surprise and unease hit him as Snape merely gave him a triumphant grin and continued on his way, turning down the corridor that would lead to the outer courtyards. “Well that was weird.” Shrugging off the strange feeling in the pit of his belly, James once again turned to find the other marauders and was once again met with the force of stumbling into another person.

“Oh, Padfoot, it’s you. I was just coming to –” James broke off as he took in the ghostly panic draining the boy’s face, the skin so ashen he looked almost green. “Sirius. What’s wrong? What’s going on?” James reached out and gripped the boy’s should firmly, trying to ground Sirius enough to give him the ability to speak.

The words seemed to tumble without end from Sirius’ mouth.

James felt the blood drain from his face, eyes widening in horror.

Without thinking twice, James raced off after Snape, running as fast as his legs could go. As he approached the doors leading out of the castle, he crossed paths with an irritated Wormtail pacing back and forth nervously.

“There you are! Where on earth have you been? It’s almost time and if we don’t hurry we’ll miss moonrise.” James waved his hands urgently, quieting Peter who watched him in surprised confusion.

“No time, Pete. You need to go find Professor Dumbledore _now._ I need you to run like you’ve never run before. Tell him Snape found out about the secret tunnel is going to try and get into the shack. I’m going to stop him before it’s too late, for his sake _and_ Remus’. Now go!”

Without another glance back, James dashed off again, feet pounding heavily against the ground. The moonlit dewdrops glistening upon the rustling blades of grass contrasted sharply with the terrified adrenaline coursing through every drop of blood in his veins. He _had_ to reach them in time, he just _had to._

He approached the crest of the hill where the willow tree rested just as Snape was crouching to enter the hidden tunnel, the branches motionless above his head with only the gentle breeze ruffling the leaves to break the silence.

“Snape, wait!” He watched as the dark head shot up to look at him, an annoyed sneer immediately bleeding onto the boy’s face.

“No way, Potter. It’s not _my_ problem that Black spoiled your little plan. I’m going to figure out what you’re all hiding and you’re not going to stop me!” To James’ horror, the boy threw himself into the shadows of the tunnel, vanishing from sight.

“Shit!” James launched forward again, dashing into the tunnel and following the slapping footsteps he could hear racing just a couple of paces in front of him. As they got nearer and nearer to the shack’s entrance, James started to hear the faintest of growls.

He was running out of time.

Throwing all his energy into one last burst of speed, James threw himself onto Snape’s back, knocking the two of them to the ground just below the trapdoor leading up into the shack. James fought to hold Snape steady below him, shushing him as quietly as he could as the Slytherin cursed loudly and fought against his hold.

James flinched sharply at the slamming thud that sounded above their heads and felt the very moment that Snape froze in shock beneath him. A desperate howl echoed around them, the air vibrating around them with the ferocity of it as Moony fought to break through the door. Fear seemed to roll off Snape in waves as he shoved James off and shakily stood, flinching in terror as the wolf’s attacks grew heavier.

“Fucking _move,_ Snape!” James shoved the Slytherin ahead of him, jolting the boy into action as they both fled the tunnel, throwing themselves out onto the grass. James sucked in harsh gasping breaths, the air burning like liquid fire as he finally allowed himself to release the suffocating grip of adrenaline on his body. Finally, when he felt like he could breathe somewhat normally once more, he turned to look at Snape who was still gazing in shock at the ground beneath where he crouched in terror. “You _idiot._ What the hell were you _thinking?_ ”

Snape glanced up at him sharply then, terror quickly giving way to anger.

“What was _I_ thinking? Why don’t you ask _Black_ what _he_ was thinking sending me off to a bloody death by _werewolf!_ ” James practically felt his gaze harden, his protective nature taking over even though he knew Snape was right. However, before he could open his mouth to speak, a shadow suddenly loomed over them.

It was Dumbledore with a cowering Peter at his side. The look on the headmaster’s face was grim.

“Boys, I think you’d better come with me.”

_And I’m saying goodbye._

By the time Regulus had found his brother, it was too late.

Sirius had been crouched by the front door of the castle, gaze staring unseeingly out the slightly ajar doorway into the nighttime air just outside. He was curled in on himself, hands clenched tightly in his hair. Silent tears streamed down his face as he whispered softly to himself.

“Sirius! Oh my god, there you are. I’ve been looking everywhere for you.” Regulus threw himself to the ground beside his brother without hesitation, reaching a hand out to grasp Sirius’ shoulder. He quickly drew his hand back as Sirius flinched away from him, eyelids squeezing shut as though he were suddenly struck with a fierce pain.

“No! Stay away from me. I’ll only end up hurting you.” Sirius’ words started out strong, the heat of them like a slap across Regulus’ face, but as they trailed off, back into the seemingly unconscious muttering, Regulus’ mind once again flooded with worry.

“Sirius, please. What’s going on? What’s happened? Tell me how I can help you.”

Finally, Sirius seemed to freeze in time, every inch of his body that had been moving previously suddenly stopping all at once. He looked up, meeting Regulus’ gaze.

Regulus swallowed back a gasp.

Sirius’ eyes were hollow, all measure of life drained from them, their usual sparkle and warmth gone without a single trace.

“I fucked up, Reg. I fucked up and now I’m going to lose him for good.”

_Say something, I'm giving up on you._


End file.
